Serious Zombies Lie About Whipping Capitalism

A zombie hunter, a compulsive liar, a serious Jew, a roller derby rookie, and Michael Moore walk into a bar.  The zombie hunter says: “Are there any zombies around?”

The serious Jew shakes his head and says: “Zombie’s don’t exist.”

The compulsive liar says: “Of course they do.  They’re trying to get in and eat our brains right now!”

The roller derby girl screams “let them try to catch me,” as she skates out the door.

Michael Moore says: “Our greedy capitalist system is the reason zombies don’t have healthcare.”

That ‘joke’ felt like a poor-man’s Aristocrats, where the set up was funnier than the punch line.  Oh well, it introduced the eclectic and surprisingly well-received movies that come out this weekend.  We’ve got the first fall weekend that might deserve your movie dollar, so while you’re contemplating choices, let’s talk about zombies:  Zombieland (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Warts, entrails and all, I had a ball at Zombieland. It’s 81 minutes of my kind of stupid.”  Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Short, stupid, and filled with entrails doesn’t sound like much of a compliment.

“An exhilarating ride, start to finish. Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg set a high bar for this subgenre with “Shaun of the Dead,” but Reese, Werner and Fleischer may have trumped them. This isn’t just a good zombie comedy. It’s a damn fine movie, period. And that’s high praise, coming from a vampire guy.” Time Richard Corliss

At last, we have a full-fledged vampire movie critic!  I’m sure his opinion on upcoming projects like The Vampire’s Assistant and New Moon won’t suck. So we know this film appeals to vampires, but who else?

“I highly recommend Zombieland to anyone with an offbeat sense of humor and an unnatural craving for Twinkies.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Twinkie lovers and people who got my Aristocrats reference should get in line now.

“Zombieland is still the funniest broad comedy since “The Hangover.” Its yowling, marching, munching corpses are as scary as grad students and as hilarious as the plot of “G.I. Joe.”” New York Post Kyle Smith

I know a few yowling, marching, munching grad students who will eat that guy’s brains for comparing them to GI Joe.  Or am I lying?

The Invention of Lying (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) tells the story of one man who can lie in a world where everyone tells the truth.  Sounds like heaven for the innocents and hell for advertisers, lawyers, and bullshit artists.

“However cheeky and blasphemous, this is, at heart, a rather sweet little fable. Which of course would mean nothing if it weren’t explosively funny.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

Explosively funny ha-ha or funny uh-oh?

“The Invention of Lying deserves to take its place as a modern American comedy classic right alongside such worthy counterparts as Groundhog Day and Idiocracy.” Erik Childress eFilmCritic.com

I wish critics wouldn’t do that.  Calling Idiocracy a comedy classic negates the definition of ‘classic.’  It’s like calling an Axe body spray commercial ‘epic.’ For the record, Idiocracy has a great premise, but is a mediocre movie.

“Proof that when you aim for the stars, sometimes you find a black hole. Hopefully just an anomaly for the usually wonderful Gervais.” Empire Chris Hewitt

And sometimes you find a Milky Way.  Yum.

“Lying is good, but it could have been great. And that’s no lie.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

When someone says “this isn’t a lie,” it usually is.  Now then, our next movie wants you to whip it.  For real: Whip It (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Oh my, ladies: how our fairy tales have changed! A league of rough and tumble women, skating, fighting, competing and whipping their art through otherwise terribly ordinary lives.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a roller derby fairy tale.

“Clicks on so many levels — heartwarming family story, rough-and-tumble display of grrrl power and a secondary but tender and convincing romance.” The Hollywood Reporter Peter Brunette

Sounds grrrrreat.

“Laced with good-natured hipster kitsch and endearingly goofy girl power, director Drew Barrymore’s roller-derby dramedy, Whip It, is a gas.”  Variety Rob Nelson

Was that a gas pun about nitrous oxide whippets?

Like this?

“Whip It (which takes its name from a play in which skaters hold hands and form a human whip to propel the last skater forward) is heaven on wheels.” Philadelphia Inquirer Carrie Rickey

Heaven’s got wheels?

“Boisterous, cloying, simultaneously raunchy and innocent, hip and klutzy.”  The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

Heaven’s wheels are klutzy and raunchy?  Don’t tell Michael Moore, he’s probably in the market for a new documentary topic.

Capitalism: a Love Story (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) is another tough sell for Moore who has created a product (a movie) he hopes to sell (via tickets), which criticizes the process (capitalism) that we are all engaged in.

“Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story is something else — not a good movie or a coherent exposition of the meltdown but an emotional attack on capitalism as a system, an attempt, literally, to de-moralize capitalism.” David Denby New Yorker

Capitalism won’t have a crisis of confidence until there’s a way to make money off it.

Somewhere, someone is selling this image on a tee-shirt

“Capitalism is intended to convince Americans that they’ve bought into an economic system designed to screw them over, but the tone is so smart-ass that it’s bound to put a lot of viewers into a default defensive posture.” Noel Murray AV Club

Such as?

“This is a love story, all right, but it has less to do with the flaws of capitalism than it does with Moore’s unwavering fondness for the sound of his own voice, and for what he perceives as his own vast cleverness.” Salon.com Stephanie Zacharek

“Moore’s choice to make “capitalism” his straw man (rather than, say, greed or Reagan-era deregulation) puts him in closer company than he might like with some pretty nasty world-historical bedfellows.” Dana Stevens Slate

And since Moore’s films are know to begin debates, what does the other side say?

“A scathing indictment of modern America’s “me first” approach to the social contract…an urgently important piece of work.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

“Capitalism will make you laugh, it will make you cry and it will make you angry — in other words, par for the course for a Michael Moore movie.” Scott A. Mantz Entertainment Insiders

“Even if you don’t agree with the answers that Michael Moore suggests, I think you should see this movie.” A.O. Scott At the Movies

Michael Moore seems to have a red-sea-parting ability to divide American audiences.  That was the thought I had right before I read this quote:

“Michael Moore is the Obama of documentarians.” Clay Cane BET.com

And suddenly, I’m seriously stumped.  And speaking of seriously stupid segues: A Serious Man (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) is a personal story for the Coen brothers who tell the story of a troubled Jewish father who seeks help from various rabbis.  Sure, it sounds odd, but it’s the Coens.

“The always surprising Coen brothers have finally made a very serious movie with A Serious Man. It’s about God, man’s place in the world and the meaning of life, so naturally it’s one of their funnier movies.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

“A Serious Man is not only hauntingly original, it’s the final piece of the puzzle that is the Coens. Combine suburban alienation, philosophical inquiry, moral seriousness, a mixture of respect for and utter indifference to Torah, and, finally, a ton of dope, and you get one of the most remarkable oeuvres in modern film.”New York Magazine David Edelstein

It sounds like an introspective exploration of the human condition, but is it any good?

“A Serious Man, like “Burn After Reading,” is in their bleak, black, belittling mode, and it’s hell to sit through.” The New Yorker David Denby

“As a piece of moviemaking craft, A Serious Man is fascinating; in every other way, it’s intolerable.” David Denby New Yorker

Since this roundup is running long and you’ve got weekends to enjoy, let’s wrap it up with a review that wraps it all up.

“If Philip Roth and Franz Kafka sat down to write an adaptation of the Book of Job, the result might be something like A Serious Man.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

If PDJ and a cup of coffee sat down to write this blog, the result might be something like this

Sequelmaggedon!!

Let’s start by explaining the title.  While the ‘sequel’ part is pretty self explanatory (three on-going franchises release movies this weekend), but the ‘mageddon’ part might need some clarification.  See, I’m a huge fan of suffix (miss)use.  Like much of modern language, the meanings of words change over time.  For example, glamorous used to mean that a person cast a glamour or magic hiding spell on themselves.  It was a very negative term, but now it means bewitching minus the witch.  This is where it gets fun.  Adding a suffix makes new, sometimes awesometacular words (trust me, I’m in an English major).  ‘Maggedon’ is a suffix that can describe something as a destructive force.  Another example would be ‘fu’ (as in kung-fu, movie-fu or stunt-fu) means that something is an orchestrated physical act (like a martial art).  Okay, now that the grammar lesson portion of this roundup is over, let’s put it into practice with Terminator Suckmageddon.  Sorry, Terminator Salvation (Rotten Tomatoes 34%; Metacritic 51%).
Okay, perhaps it’s not a destructive force of suckiness.  But, I can’t help but wonder when I read reviews like this:

“Salvation is a cold, blunt summer movie misfire, infatuated with mindless explosions like an infant with fecal matter…a lumbering, joyless detour into unappetizing Hollywood recycling.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

He’s not recommending it to anyone except infants infatuated with poo.  On the other side of the quality spectrum:

“McG’s tone is “Apocalypse Now” by way of Philip K. Dick, and the film packs a war-movie wallop to go with its sleek blockbuster sensibilities. Tough, fast and exhilarating, it’s a worthy addition to the franchise even if Christian Bale is not.” Nick Rogers Suite101.com

Ouch, the reverse shout-out: “Everyone in the movie was great, except that guy.”

“I don’t want to make Bale angry, but his weak supporting role isn’t what we expected from iconic messiah John Connor.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

He might be scary when he's angry, but at least he's happy about it

Enough ganging up on Bale.  Didn’t you hear about the rage-fu he unleashed on an unsuspecting crewman?  Let’s redirect our discussion towards explosions (which seems to be Salvation’s salvation).

“A good summer movie isn’t just an uninterrupted crescendo of cacophony. You need stuff IN BETWEEN the fireballs and the cyborgs.” Slate Dana Stevens

Like more action?

Or Terminator slurpees?

“Most of the running time is occupied by action sequences, chase sequences, motorcycle sequences, plow-truck sequences, helicopter sequences, fighter-plane sequences, towering android sequences and fistfights. It gives you all the pleasure of a video game without the bother of having to play it.” Chicago Sun-Times  Roger Ebert

But playing video games isn’t a bother, they’re games.  That’s like saving someone the time it takes to tell a joke by repeating it in your head and laughing for them.

There's nothing funny about robot leprosy. Say, has anyone seen my hand?

“There’s a certain sad sci-fi irony when one considers that the first Terminator film to feature a robot with a human heart is also the first film in the series that feels like it has no soul.” Jason Buchanan TV Guide’s Movie Guide

Well, at least it has a heart.

“It’s got all the heart of a demolition derby.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Crap.  Well, I don’t go to demolition derbies for dramatic expressionism.   Every time I try to convince myself to see it, I read someone expressing my biggest fears.  Angriest critic in America, what do you say?

“McG’s boyish sensationalism is inoffensive, justified by paying attention to how Wright preserves an unlikely human essence. Worthington is a find.  He suggests a pin-up version of the character actor Michael Rooker and gives the franchise’s most empathetic performance since Linda Hamilton’s stunned, almost-silent-movie pantomime of fear and surprise in Terminator 2. Worthington makes Wright’s sacrifice pitiable, strong and a little orgasmic.” Armond White New York Press

Oh shit, he liked it.  Armond liked it.  He didn’t like Star Trek (95%), Milk (94%), or Slumdog Millionaire (94%), but he liked this.  Well, that settles it.  Terminator is craptacular.  We’re all better off rewatching the trailer and pocketing ten bucks.  Next stop on our train to Sequeltown is Night at the Museum 2: Battle for the Smithsonian (M – 60%; RT – 42%).

“Bigger, longer, and even more chaotically crowded (more stars! more f/x!) than its predecessor, Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian proves that adding another ring doesn’t make for a better circus.” Lael Loewenstein Variety

But it does make for a bigger circus.  If tickets cost the same, it still sounds like an improvement.

“How can one movie contain Ricky Gervais, Hank Azaria, Steve Coogan, Amy Adams, Christopher Guest, Bill Hader, Mindy Kaling, Jay Baruchel and Craig Robinson while offering so very little in the way of laughs?” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

I think someone else could answer that question for you.

“As it turns out, 93 main characters is too many.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Bingo.  Well, part 2 sounds like the same innocuous entertainment offered by the original.

“This is what you call a wholesome kiddie movie on drugs.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

That’s what the first one was like?  I thought it was a wholesome kiddie movie on historical factoids.  Oh well, it will still make an embarrassing amount of money just like the last one.  Our final film this weekend isn’t technically part of a series, but it sure looks like another addition to the never-ending mini-genre of hack spoofs.
It’d probably be more fun to mock the poster, but amazingly the movie is tied on reviewer quality with everything else coming out: Dance Flick (RT 42%).

“We live in desperate times. But no one’s desperate enough to laugh at Dance Flick. Which is sort of encouraging, no?” John Anderson Newsday

You know, that is sort of encouraging.

“A very funny, very entertaining film. Is it perfect? No way. Does it live up to the reputation of classic comedy spoofs like Airplane! and The Naked Gun? Well… yes.” Bill Gibron Filmcritic.com

It does?  Well….shit.  That is amazing.  I’m stunned.

“If you thought the world couldn’t get enough of bad spoof movies, you thought wrong.” Boston Globe  Danny Deza

Clearly I thought wrong.  I will now hang my head in my own personal shamemaggedon.

PDJ is a master of blog-fu

Beware of movies with colons in the title

This week, one movie wants to claw the last of your disposable income from your increasingly shrinking wallet: X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Rotten Tomatoes 37%; Metacritic: 42%: colons are: awesome.  In 2006, the X-Men franchise became too bloated with underdeveloped characters thanks to X-Men: The Last Stand: another title with a colon curse.  Now, inspired by the success of The Dark Knight and Iron Man, Hugh Jackman returns in Hollywood’s newest tradition: the summer kick-off comic book blockbuster.  The question of whether or not XMO:W will make money is not the issue (of course it will), the issue isn’t whether or not critics will like it (they’re decidedly meh so far), and the issue isn’t Incredible Hulk #180-181 (Wolverine’s first comic book appearance): the issue is how long I can keep this sentence going without making you skip ahead to something more entertaining, which is going well so far if you’re still reading this.  Now then, let’s talk trash.

“A below-average superhero movie that suggests we don’t necessarily need a superhero movie every summer.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

And yet we get one anyway.  It’s almost like people keep paying to see superhero movies every summer.  Weird.

“When it comes to superhero tales, the two least appealing types are origin stories and prequels. Wolverine has the double disadvantage of being both.” ReelViews  James Berardinelli

If it was destined to fail, then at least it’s living up to expectations.

Who stole Wolvie's rubber ducky?

“Plays a bit like a children’s movie…for adults. What you get is a good time on a Saturday afternoon with a full bucket of popcorn and a crowd that can shut the hell up.” Uncle Creepy Dread Central

Thanks Uncle Creepy.  Assuming audiences can guarantee a quiet theater devoid of screaming children and a mouth full of butter, salt, and popped corn, this movie gets your full recommendation.

“It’s all so plastic and forgettable, but for the 100 claw-popping minutes immersed deep in Wolverine country, the film remains palatable. Heck, if the actors didn’t bother to speak at all, I’m convinced there’s a masterpiece to be found in here somewhere.” Brian O BrianOrndorf.com

How can it be a masterpiece and ‘plastic and forgettable’ at the same time?

How can this picture be both impressive and terrifying at the same time?

“Whatever actually happened, the explosions all go off on time, which in a film like this is all that really matters.” Kenneth Turan Los Angeles Times

Welcome to the town of Low Expectations: population: that guy.

“A chaotic headbanger, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is saved from pure flat-footed blockbuster franchise adequacy by six things, three of them on Hugh Jackman’s left hand, three on his right.”  Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

You heard it here first, this movie was saved by a fork, knife, and spoon.

Let’s not lie to ourselves: we don’t need a summer movie to be great for it to be enjoyable, just like I don’t need to use colons properly to make fun of them being used in movie titles, such as: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (of course I don’t mean to say that these movies will be terrible because of a punctuation choice, it’s just very likely).

“In this trendy new fangled Chippendales style nudie watch-men package pageant on screen, icon fever rules with its chronologically challenged mutant hero, while expecting the rest of us to excel at elaborate memory recall about whatever came before.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

That review makes about as much sense as:
Gwar music played by the Chipmunks
Dick Cheney winning a humanitarian award
A one legged man at an ass-kicking contest

A reputation for kicking ass probably saves wolverines from lots of fights

” Jackman’s charisma breathes the fire into Wolverine, not the rather pedestrian script or the by-the-numbers action.” Connie Ogle

Once again, Mrs. Ogle is content to stare at man candy for two hours and call it entertainment.  Let’s move this roundup in the direction of wrap up.  We end with the voices of the high and low scores.

“An action-packed ride filled with nonstop thrills and spectacular visual effects that deserves to be experienced on the big screen with a large crowd.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru

“A couple of halfway decent action scenes do little to distract from the story’s mounting ludicrousness, or a conclusion that’s only a little more satisfying than a projector breakdown. Maybe.” Keith Phipps AV Club

Horay and ouch.  Enjoy your weekend.

PDJ has retractable eyelids instead of claws