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Beware of movies with colons in the title

This week, one movie wants to claw the last of your disposable income from your increasingly shrinking wallet: X-Men Origins: Wolverine: Rotten Tomatoes 37%; Metacritic: 42%: colons are: awesome.  In 2006, the X-Men franchise became too bloated with underdeveloped characters thanks to X-Men: The Last Stand: another title with a colon curse.  Now, inspired by the success of The Dark Knight and Iron Man, Hugh Jackman returns in Hollywood’s newest tradition: the summer kick-off comic book blockbuster.  The question of whether or not XMO:W will make money is not the issue (of course it will), the issue isn’t whether or not critics will like it (they’re decidedly meh so far), and the issue isn’t Incredible Hulk #180-181 (Wolverine’s first comic book appearance): the issue is how long I can keep this sentence going without making you skip ahead to something more entertaining, which is going well so far if you’re still reading this.  Now then, let’s talk trash.
x_men_origins_wolverine
“A below-average superhero movie that suggests we don’t necessarily need a superhero movie every summer.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

And yet we get one anyway.  It’s almost like people keep paying to see superhero movies every summer.  Weird.

“When it comes to superhero tales, the two least appealing types are origin stories and prequels. Wolverine has the double disadvantage of being both.” ReelViews  James Berardinelli

If it was destined to fail, then at least it’s living up to expectations.

Who Wolvie's rubber ducky?

Who stole Wolvie's rubber ducky?

“Plays a bit like a children’s movie…for adults. What you get is a good time on a Saturday afternoon with a full bucket of popcorn and a crowd that can shut the hell up.” Uncle Creepy Dread Central

Thanks Uncle Creepy.  Assuming audiences can guarantee a quiet theater devoid of screaming children and a mouth full of butter, salt, and popped corn, this movie gets your full recommendation.

“It’s all so plastic and forgettable, but for the 100 claw-popping minutes immersed deep in Wolverine country, the film remains palatable. Heck, if the actors didn’t bother to speak at all, I’m convinced there’s a masterpiece to be found in here somewhere.” Brian O BrianOrndorf.com

How can it be a masterpiece and ‘plastic and forgettable’ at the same time?

How can this be both impressive and terrifying at the same time?

How can this picture be both impressive and terrifying at the same time?

“Whatever actually happened, the explosions all go off on time, which in a film like this is all that really matters.” Kenneth Turan Los Angeles Times

Welcome to the town of Low Expectations: population: that guy.

“A chaotic headbanger, X-Men Origins: Wolverine is saved from pure flat-footed blockbuster franchise adequacy by six things, three of them on Hugh Jackman’s left hand, three on his right.”  Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

You heard it here first, this movie was saved by a fork, knife and spoon.

You heard it here first, this movie was saved by a fork, knife, and spoon.

Let’s not lie to ourselves: we don’t need a summer movie to be great for it to be enjoyable, just like I don’t need to use colons properly to make fun of them being used in movie titles, such as: Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian, Ice Age: Dawn of the Dinosaurs, and G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (of course I don’t mean to say that these movies will be terrible because of a punctuation choice, it’s just very likely).

“In this trendy new fangled Chippendales style nudie watch-men package pageant on screen, icon fever rules with its chronologically challenged mutant hero, while expecting the rest of us to excel at elaborate memory recall about whatever came before.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

That review makes about as much sense as:
Gwar music played by the Chipmunks
Dick Cheney winning a humanitarian award
A one legged man at an ass-kicking contest

A reputation for kicking ass probably saves wolverines from lots of fights

” Jackman’s charisma breathes the fire into Wolverine, not the rather pedestrian script or the by-the-numbers action.” Connie Ogle

Once again, Mrs. Ogle is content to stare at man candy for two hours and call it entertainment.  Let’s move this roundup in the direction of wrap up.  We end with the voices of the high and low scores.

“An action-packed ride filled with nonstop thrills and spectacular visual effects that deserves to be experienced on the big screen with a large crowd.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru

“A couple of halfway decent action scenes do little to distract from the story’s mounting ludicrousness, or a conclusion that’s only a little more satisfying than a projector breakdown. Maybe.” Keith Phipps AV Club

Horay and ouch.  Enjoy your weekend.

PDJ has retractable eyelids instead of claws

PDJ has retractable eyelids instead of claws

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2 Responses

  1. that last pic is of a tazmainian devil you knw……

  2. Good call Steph. A proper photo has been added.

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