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The lameness of this roundup’s title reflects the lameness of a typical winter movie season. January (J) and February (F) are when Hollywood offers a refrigerator review, as movies that haven’t looked appetizing are now acceptable when compared to starvation. After the Oscar hopefuls of ND (November/December) and the tentpole blockbusters of JJ (June/July or Abrams), JF movies focus instead on the law of diminishing franchises. The Jenky Fun of 2017 includes: the Persistently Unkillable Resident Evil: The Final Chapter (part VI), the please stay in the Underworld: Blood Wars (part V), and XXX: III Return of a guy with an X in his name. I could tell you how/why these movies are terrible, or I could tell you that none of them cracked 45% on Rotten Tomatoes or Metacritic. Odds are, you already know if these movies appeal to you. This roundup wants to prepare you for the ones you hope crack 50%, but end up being 50 Shades Darker (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

fifty shades review

“Fifty Shades Darker is not darker or better. It’s watered down, raincoat-brigade style erotica, even with the spiced-vanilla S&M.” Gary M. Kramer Salon.com

Watered down S&M = struggling into a bathing suit.

“Even someone with Johnson’s considerable charisma can’t get any heat going with a block of wood like this. Actually, to call his performance wooden is an insult to wood, which is a fine natural resource that demonstrably makes our world a better place.” Jason Bailey Flavorwire



Wood you like a seat? 

“The worst thing to happen to fictional Seattle since Frasier bedded Roz.” J. Olson Cinemixtape

In Fictional Seattle, the space needle is a rocket, everyone owns multiple umbrellas, and people are 15% less weird than in Portlandia.

“It’s not a terribly good idea to base a movie on a book in which almost nothing happens for 500 pages, but that’s what we have here.” The Seattle Times Moira Macdonald

So says a person from Actual Seattle. If we don’t calm these doppelgangers down, Fictional and Actual Seattle might get into a Fist Fight (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).  


“The film features a lot of that specifically American semi-improvised style of comedic acting where the actors act as though they’ve either forgotten what they’re about to say, or have suddenly remembered it.” Jim Schembri 3AW

Sounds semi-funny.

“Charlie Day and Ice Cube will live to crack wise another day. “Fist Fight,” on the other hand, is where laughter goes to die.” J. Olson Cinemixtape


Where logic goes to die

“A risible excuse for comedy that treats compulsory education as a joke and violence as a reasonable way to solve problems.“ Peter Debruge Variety

According to Orange Julius Caesar, American education doesn’t need $40 billion as much as it needs The Great Wall (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).



“[At first,] we learn the Great Wall of China was originally erected to protect the Chinese from marauding forces embodying the depths of human greed. Shortly afterward, we realize The Great Wall was made for precisely opposite reasons.” Jay Horton Willamette Week

The heights of human greed?

“Whether it’s a case of miscasting is unclear, but without a willing hero to anchor this already dubious movie from start to finish, The Great Wall hits a brick wall.” Steve Davis Austin Chronicle

trump trash

America is the best; no one crashes and burns better

“A splashy, old-fashioned monster movie stupid enough to amuse audiences from any culture that enjoys watching folks fight giant lizards.” Sean Burns Spliced Personality

PETGL (People for the Ethical Treatment of Giant Lizards) might need someone to be The Founder (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).


“The Founder represents a veritable plunge into darkness. It’s impossible to look at Ray Kroc and not see America’s complex relationship with capitalism.” Matthew Turner iNews.co.uk

Reality Star Trek: America Into Darkness.

The man, played with dark relish by Michael Keaton, has the fabulous name of Ray Kroc (there is a suitably reptilian air to his grin as he says things such as: “Contracts are like hearts. They’re made to be broken”).” Ed Potton Times (UK)


All we need is a blindfold

“Keaton sells the crap out of Kroc’s filet-o-fishy business, but sauce overrides substance: it needed tougher meat.” Kevin Harley Total Film

And when you need to sell the crap out of plastic, you call The Lego Batman Movie (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).


“A Batman film with more humanity than the Batman films with actual humans in them.” William Bibbiani CraveOnline

“Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth.” – Albert Camus

“A movie that’s like watching a really bright kid playing with the snap-together toys while talking to himself.” Richard von Busack MetroActive


Mucho Assembly Required


“The merchandising tie-in we deserve.” Pete Vonder Haar Houston Press

New and improved like Grandma used to make. It’s dually fallacious! AKA – Split (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)


“It’s too weird and entertainingly trashy to write off.” Aaron Yap Flicks.co.nz

Write on.

“I let out an audible gasp at the end. That has never happened.” Rohan Naahar Hindustan Times


The Twistiest Twist since last Twistmas


“An enjoyable piece of B-movie silliness, Split supplies mystery, suspense and creepy trepidation, and boasts a tour-de-performance from James McAvoy in the leading role. Or rather roles.” Jason Best Movie Talk

Are all 24 of McAvoy names listed in the credits? If so, can we add John Wick 2 (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).


“There’s a quality to the violence here that elevates it above the literal (and reprehensible) nihilism of movies like last year’s “Hardcore Henry,” and instead achieves something more akin to dance.” Peter Debruge Variety

Question answered, John Wick is the one who dances with the devil by the pale moonlight.

“A more audacious film, bolder and more violent than its predecessor. It’s also surprisingly hilarious, wringing humor from physical pratfalls and dry wit in unexpected moments.” Angelica Jade Bastien RogerEbert.com



“Chapter 2 is this series’ The Empire Strikes Back, if that movie had a running gag about murdering people with pencils.” Pete Vonder Haar Houston Press

If I actually saw pencil murder, I wouldn’t laugh, I’d Get Out (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).


“Mark my words; it’ll be a modern classic.” Anthony Ray Bench Film Threat

This review is giving you an order, which is appropriate given the publication.

“Want to put a little gore on your funny bone at the movies this weekend? Then just try to get in to “Get Out,” a very clever horror film with enough social satire to start a great debate or three.” John Urbancich Your Movies (cleveland.com)


Not much debate

“I laughed, and then I was scared, and then I started laughing again, and then I wanted to run out of the theater but then I stayed, and then I started laughing again, and then I was really, really scared. That’s about it. Oh…this movie is awesome.” Bob Grimm Reno News and Review


King Sheep wanted to end this roundup, but then he wanted to echo the praise, so he did



The switch

Our blogs have moved to king-sheep.com.  We are still using wordpress, but now were are channeling it through our site.  We wanted to incorporate our comics and blogging more directly.  Everything is the same, except the movies that come out.  And the web address for the blog.  And the date.  And some other stuff.  Now that I think about it, nothing will ever be the same again!  Except the format.  And the jokes.

And this smirking mug

Stoned Secretary Knowingly Takes Funny Nowhere Job

In this economy, even a nowhere job could be worthwhile employment.  Although, position desirability depends what kind of ‘funny’ the job is (ha-ha vs uh-oh) and what type of ‘stoned’ the secretary is (drug induced vs. hurled rocks).  To figure out which is which will require critical thinking because depending on your logic, you might react to joblessness by drinking until it was funny (either kind) or taking an Inside Job (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).
“Quite simply, the definitive movie on the financial crisis and an implicit call for radical action against the two capitalist parties that are responsible for it.” Louis Proyect rec.arts.movies.reviews

A film radical enough to change America is…

“A blistering, eye-opening documentary with the potential to change America.” Erica Abeel Film Journal International

For fans of logical fallacies, my pairing was a circular definition.  Since fallacies are errors in logic, they are the perfect tool for examining reviewer arguments.  Also, they make me giggle.


fallacies are illogical logic


“The definitive screen investigation of the global economic crisis, providing hard evidence of flagrant amorality — and of a new nonfiction master at work.” Rob Nelson Variety

Hard evidence is good and master’s have strong ethos, but I am wary of any modern movie about a current issue being definitive.  It sounds like a hasty generalization.

“Unless you’re Rip Van Winkle and have been taking a nap for some time, only to awaken and exclaim – what economic crisis? – you’ve been made more than aware of it. Which renders this latest doc like the last horse over the finish line in Secretariat.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

The implied logic of that review is “If you were in a coma, I am tired of financial movies.”  First, it’s nonsensical.  Second, it’s an irrelevant conclusion fallacy.  Third, it’s Secretariat (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“This is one terrific movie about one terrific horse. It enthralls on so many levels-emotional, cinematic, historic.” New York Observer Rex Reed

How about geographic, traumatic, or melodramatic?

“It is a great film about greatness, the story of the horse and the no less brave woman who had faith in him.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

So, it’s either a great film about a terrific horse or a terrific film about greatness?  If you had the instinct to choose, you’ve been fooled by a false dichotomy.

“Lined with fetid chunks of Oscar bait like so many droppings in an untended stable.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

Beware loaded language, it has tremendous power over meaning.  Consider this: When was the last time you ate an embalmed cheese sandwich?  That would be what we call “process cheese” if the cheesemakers named it instead of the US government.

“At least the formulaic race footage itself is vigorous; the schmaltzy mythmaking script, on the other hand, deserves a one-way trip to the glue factory.” L.A. Weekly Nick Schager

If the script is the writer, then that threat is Ad hominem.  Of course, 100 pages of words don’t equal a person, which makes me guilty of making a false analogy.  Oops.

“When the movie’s over, it’s hard not to be more amazed that Secretariat fathered 600 foals. That’s stamina!” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Let’s take a break from the rhetoric and hope that review has nothing to do with a sequel.  I mean, it could work.  Kinda gross, but It’s Kind Of A Funny Story (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Cute, bordering on cutesy, yes. Light and shallow and inconsequential in a lot of ways. But funny? Rarely.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

So, it’s kind of a cutesy shallow inconsequential story.

“What’s largely missing from It’s Kind of a Funny Story: genuine emotional pain. Still, the movie’s an often charming example of “Cuckoo’s Nest” Lite.” Boston Globe Ty Burr


Seeing this might inflict genuine psychological pain


“It’s Kind of a Funny Story may be the first psych-ward drama to draw on John Hughes movies for tonal reference.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

When you mess with the bull, you get the pills?

“I was so embarrassed, so uncomfortable with the total lack of recognizable human behavior in the film that I strongly debated getting up and leaving.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

There’s a lack of recognizable human behavior in a mental ward. Sorta the point isn’t it?

“Galifianakis’ magnetic performance suggests murky psychological depths the film doesn’t have the substance to plumb.” The Onion A.V. Club Nathan Rabin

Perhaps the skill set for psychological depth plumber could be more clear.  If it were your job,  dipping into murky mental machinations would be just Life As We Know It (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Cute boy and girl opposites meet and fall in love after their best friends die and leave them in charge of raising their orphaned daughter. Adorable.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

You just described family tragedy as adorable.  Sarcastic?

“Despite these two actors’ decent – and occasionally very charming – performances the film stacks the odds of the audience caring about Heigl and Duhamel against a narrative vacuum that favors eye candy and cheap effect over emotional logic.” Movieline Michelle Orange

I intended to take a break from logic, but favoring eye candy over quality storytelling is a style over substance fallacy.

“There’s something about Holly: She’s the most ridiculous, irritating, two-dimensional rom-com heroine since…Katherine Heigl’s last rom-com.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum


Perhaps Heigl should read this book


“You can’t open a diaper and expect a diamond.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

I fear opening the book of awesome is more likely to contain the former than the latter.

“It’s not that baby comedies aren’t a legitimate popcorn genre. But by comparison, this sleepwalk through pre-fab family-life makes Look Who’s Talking and Three Men and a Baby look like art.” Jim Slotek Jam! Movies

If I had to watch both those trilogies followed by a movie that’s less interesting than a full diaper I would offer up My Soul To Take (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Easily the worst movie of Craven’s career and not even remotely scary or creepy or any of the things you expect from a good horror movie.” Edward Douglas ShockTillYouDrop.com

And yet, it costs the same as any other genre movie.

“The work of a lunatic using his own feces to outline an uncomfortably abstract tale of ridiculous possession, brought to life through some of the most excruciatingly obvious and colossally stilted dialogue I’ve heard so far this year.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

I would like to trust these two reviews and move on, but I don’t want to commit the fallacy of an unrepresentative sample.

“So utterly awful that it should have been renamed ‘My Time to Waste.’” Brian Salisbury Hollywood.com

Moving on.  And to prevent further boredom, let’s turn our attention to something more exciting than a simple Stone (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Collaborations between Robert De Niro and Edward Norton—one generation’s most respected actor paired with another’s most affected—seem doomed to be defined by acting with a capital A.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

The review implies the movie is bad with a capital B.  Let’s hear from someone who thought it was cool with a capital C.

“A stunner – a film that seems to be one thing but turns out to be quite another. It challenges your assumptions at every turn and leaves you wrung out at the end.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

So what type of challenging and taxing turns can audiences expect?

“A murky bible belt noir steeped in mystical evangelical voodoo more suited to sci-fi. In which De Niro seems to turn back into Travis Bickle minus his taxi, while Norton finds Jesus, loses his dreadlocks and becomes a self-described tuning fork for God.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze


Which ever way you're going, it's right


“Though nearly sabotaged by the ridiculous sexual subplot at its center, this soul-searching drama works best at the character level, couching insights about sin and forgiveness under the guise of conventional genre entertainment.” Variety Peter Debruge

I may have sinned with too many fallacies during this roundup.  I hope you’ll forgive me.

“[It ends] up subverting expectations by denying pleasure.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

That is unexpected.  Most audiences like to enjoy their movies.  Although, designing a film to confuse, frustrate, or make people drowsy wouldn’t work much better.  A filmmaker with that reputation would soon end up a Nowhere Boy (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“We may go because it’s the story of John Lennon, but we care because it’s an emotionally honest and human story.” Sean Axmaker Parallax View

What if I don’t go?  Does that mean I don’t care?

“How could we hate or humiliate Lennon any more than he’d been trained to hate and humiliate himself?” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Be careful with that complex question, Lennon’s ability to hate himself doesn’t determine the audience’s reaction.

“Aaron Johnson may not be Lennon, but he’s entirely persuasive as someone who could have grown up to become him. It’s a striking pre-incarnation.” Kurt Loder Current.com


A compulsive drinker reincarnation


“Like Todd Haynes’ “I’m Not There”-which never once came out and said the name “Bob Dylan”-Nowhere Boy bites its tongue and refuses to say “The Beatles.”” Boxoffice Magazine Amy Nicholson

That is nearly a fallacy of exclusion, which is an appropriate fallacy finale given the number of reviews I ignored.

“The power of Nowhere Boy is that, as directed by Sam Taylor-Wood, it captures how John Lennon’s deeply sordid family life toyed with his soul by not letting him know who he was.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly


King Sheep hopes his soul knows who he is


Let The Freaky Social Case In

Sure, let all the freaks in.  Open the door for the social misfits and borderline threats to public safety.  We’ll have a party where everyone is welcome.  It’ll either turn out to be a thunderdome approach to Darwinism or we’ll share phone numbers, pictures, and create the ultimate super-inclusive Utopian version of The Social Network (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“History as we know it is still unfurling, and The Social Network is that rare film that has something — not yet definitive, but certainly provocative — to say about it.” Kimberly Jones Austin Chronicle

For the unprovocative: It’s a modern film about now.

“The Social Network is the movie of the year. But Fincher and Sorkin triumph by taking it further. Lacing their scathing wit with an aching sadness, they define the dark irony of the past decade.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Keen observation or dark irony?

“As socially significant to this generation as films like Network, All The President’s Men and The Graduate were in their own time.” Pete Hammond Boxoffice Magazine

“A riveting cinematic triumph that can be fairly described as the Citizen Kane of the 21st Century.” Scott A. MantzAccess Hollywood

“The Social Network is the movie of the year. If Coppola were into computers, this would be The Godfather.” Fred Topel Screen Junkies

But before we get lost in the ocean of praise, we should hear from the lonely haters who dug deep to dislike.  Ladies and gentlemen, if you are a regular reader then you don’t need a preamble to know whose poison pen is next.

“Like one of those fake-smart, middlebrow TV shows, the speciousness of The Social Network is disguised by topicality. It’s really a movie excusing Hollywood ruthlessness.” Armond White New York Press

And he’s really a man in need of some happy pills

“Mr. Fincher and Mr. Sorkin offer up a creation story for the digital age and something of a morality tale, one driven by desire, marked by triumph, tainted by betrayal and inspired by the new gospel: the geek shall inherit the earth.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

And when the great and glorious geeks of our generation go to great beyond, I hope Gabriel asks them a germane password like “Who shot first?” (FYI: don’t guess Greedo).  After all, in nerd nirvana, we must leave the uninitiated at the gates screaming Let Me In (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)!
“This unsettling, effective American remake really gets under the skin as one of the year’s most powerful thrillers.” Michael Rechtshaffen Hollywood Reporter

Compared to most fall movie releases, it’s unsettling for two of the year’s best movies to open on the same October weekend.

“A smart horror film that exploits a deep-seated fear in America: subtitle-phobia.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail


“So far superior to the usual run of Hollywood horror films that one can easily forgive the fact that it doesn’t quite match its Swedish model.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Hollywood’s Vampire models

“Ultimately, if the Swedish version is near perfection, Matt Reeves’s version achieves complete supremacy. Masterpiece is an overused word, but it’s hard to think of another so powerful. Let Me In is the new standard for vampire movies.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

When you see this sign, does that mean you’re the one?

“Reeves has Americanized a very good foreign film without defanging it.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

Our next film seeks to Movieize a very good book without defenestrating it. Like a poor stockbroker whose sanity crashed along with the market, such is the manic money misfortune of Freakonomics (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Swift and easily digestible. None of it will likely provoke discussion, though … doesn’t seem to be anything more substantial than interesting yet trivial data.” Christopher Campbell Cinematical

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.

“At the center is the quietly exciting notion that numbers can be used to both mask the truth and reveal it, depending on the character of who’s holding the calculator.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

The best way to do addition, depending on the flavor preferences of who’s eating the calculator.

“By the end, don’t be surprised if you are still asking yourself what, exactly, the definition of freakonomics is.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

Definition of freakonomics: the title of the movie/book – Freakonomics.

“Blame producer Chad Troutwine for bringing together an array of talented documentary filmmakers to try to coax life into material certainly not suited to the medium of film.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Perhaps a fortune cookie would have been better?

Woah. The cookie called it.

“A quartet of uneven TV pilots posing as a full-length documentary.” Village Voice Dan Kois

If ten quartets of pilots posed with briefcases and Captain Penultimate had the winning swagger, he’d be holding Case 39 (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Case 39 has been forlornly gathering cobwebs in the proverbial filing cabinet for over a year. Understandably so – it’s terrible. We’d be embarrassed too.” Film4

I’m embarrassed of that last title segue.

“If I’m to understand the movie as it is presented, demons do not enjoy passive aggression, it only enrages them further, and to avoid a demon, it’s best if you’re neither a nice nor smart person, because then the demon has nothing to work with.” Adam Lippe Examiner.com

To avoid a demon, we should be neutral, banal, and trivial.  Speaking of which, did you know 14% of all facts and statistics are made up, but only 27% of people know that fact?

“It’s all been done before, of course, and Case 39 is let down by too many of those jolting boo! moments, ropey special effects – check out a badly-animated hornet attack – plus a plot even casual horror fans can predict.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

A badly-animated boo! for casual horror fans

“This ramshackle movie features a preposterous plot, dodgy direction and clunky editing, and yet it’s great fun to watch the actors squirm with fear.” Rich Cline Shadows on the Wall

There was a subtle current of spookiness running through this week’s roundup, starting with scary good then good and scary.  Then there was the frighteningly trivial and now stupid and squirmy.  It’s as though Halloween’s eerie presence looms on the calendar’s horizon; offering a chilly greeting before a stretch of holidays.  Or maybe I’m just looking forward to a day when everyone is encouraged to be weird.

“Case 39 is too bland, with scares that are so polite they almost take their shoes off to avoid dirtying the hallway carpet of your mind.” Jon Hamblin SFX Magazine

King Sheep has no idea if the hallway carpet of his mind is clean

Legend Of Strange Howling Money Buries Superman Again

It is unnervingly possible that the only real world threat to DC’s fictional Übermensch is money.  After all, low sales is what killed him last time and things must be going well because they haven’t killed him again.  Instead, we lost Captain America and Batman, but they both returned from their dirt naps.  In comics and on Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“The first time around, Wall Street felt like a warning about the perils of excess just as excess started to exact its toll. This one’s little more than a reminder that we all got, and remain, screwed. Noted.” The Onion A.V. Club Keith Phipps

Question: Are we screwing ourselves with excess or are those with excess screwing the rest of us to keep it?

“No deep thoughts here; this is a product of shiny surfaces and glittering patter, the cinematic equivalent of a derivatives offering. Instead of whacking Wall Street, Stone gives it a poke that ends up as a tickle.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

Tickle yourself Elmo?

“Tom Hanks said it best: “There’s no crying on Wall Street.” LaBeouf and Mulligan are terrible. LaBeouf has no “killer instinct”. Douglas makes love to the camera.” Victoria AlexanderFilmsInReview.com

Slow down.  First, Hanks was talking about baseball.  Second, no one named LaBeouf has a killer anything.  Lastly, Douglas, dude, leave the camera alone.

“Just like the Stock Market, this movie suffers from some pretty scary highs and lows.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

And if you’re up for going down, you can join Ryan Reynolds as he gets Buried (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Cortés has an invigorating fondness for the zoom lens. But the movie’s real asset is Reynolds himself, utilizing his comedy chops for unexpected levity.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

Expected levity: a joke about someone rolling over in their graves.

“Talk about burying the lead. . .” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

I should have expected that too.

“Those who claim that Reynolds is just a handsome star should look at this nail-biting, expertly directed political thriller, which he carries single-handedly on his solid soldiers with his dramatic chops.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

Dramatically comedic chopper.

“This exercise in racked nerves makes most of the year’s thrillers look like flailing maniacs by comparison.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Flailing maniacs sound pretty scary.  If they show up I’ll be locked in a closet Waiting For Superman (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).
“Controversy is already swirling around this powerful and important documentary exposing the shocking state of America’s educational system and vividly demonstrating how it is failing the nation and devastating the lives of individual families.“ Shirley Sealy Film Journal International

Speaking as an educator, I can say with complete honesty that I want Superman in my classroom.

“Powerful, passionate, and potentially revolution-inducing documentary.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

The revolution will not be televised, but it is available in theaters.

“Exhilarating, heartbreaking and righteous, Waiting for Superman is also a kind of high-minded thriller: Can the American education system be cured?” John Anderson Variety

If it can’t be cured, kids will just keep repeating the same grades over and over.  Eventually, a 22-year-old third grader will saunter into class and the teacher will look up with an exasperated expression that says: You Again (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?
“You again? Another dismissible chick flick that revolves around a wedding and wastes a handful of good actresses by making them behave in a way that no recognizable person would?” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Some statements must sound like questions?

“How bad is it? If it were a TV sitcom, it would be cancelled after a single episode.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

It could have been worse.  It could have been an unaired pilot.

“Such a stinker that the only way to improve it would be for Disney to run the negative and all of the prints through an industrial shredder.” Lou Lumenick New York Post

And then we’d use what’s left as confetti for a party.  Everyone in attendance would drink, laugh, and Howl (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“The filmmakers don’t get everything right but their passion for Ginsberg’s genius and their excitement over trying to deconstruction a literary master work is contagious. A more perfect film might have been just a teensy-weensy dull.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter

And a more perfect review would correctly spell “deconstruct.”

“A Beat Generation biopic that makes you sympathize with the Man? That’s just unholy.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

“Milk meets Pink Floyd the Wall. Says everything it has to say in the first 20 minutes, then keeps repeating itself.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

“Like the counterculture icon that penned the poem that serves as the title to Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman’s film, Howl is one odd bird.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

From one group of odd birds to another, I couldn’t have asked for a better segue into Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’ Hoole (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Though anything is possible, I seriously doubt that ‘Use your gizzard’ will supplant ‘Trust the Force’ anytime soon.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

I suppose it is also possible that “trust the force” will replace the more accurate “use the force.”

“A sweeping, grand explosion of animated entertainment, skillfully assembled by Snyder…a tremendously engaging, inspired movie, and should not be overlooked by family audiences hungry for a rousing change of pace.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

The gizzard is strong with this one.

“Zack Snyder’s films have some of the best opening-credits sequences in cinema; the unfortunate thing is that there’s always a movie after them.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

If it would improve your opinion, you could leave early.  Depending on your luck, you might find a great taco truck or You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“A choice cast and, as usual, some snappy [Woody] Allen patter and observations on amour-or the lack of it-will hit the bulls-eye with Allen fans who follow him wherever he goes.” Pete HammondBoxoffice Magazine

Follow him long enough and eventually you will meet a small Jewish filmmaker.

“This love letter to the Reaper and his unknowable timetable is a bracing addition to an erratic, yet indispensable oeuvre.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Don’t fear the begging Reaper.

“If this were my very first Allen film, my reaction would be, “That’s it?” Drew McWeeny HitFix

King Sheep says 'that's it.'

Easy Alpha Devil Town

I have no idea what an easy alpha devil town is, but it sounds like a collection of domiciles filled with promiscuous type-A demons.  If I lived near such a place, I would board up my windows, mount a machine gun on my roof, and put up signs that warned tourists to stay away from The Town (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“If “Heat” and “The Departed” had a baby, the result might come close to The Town, a riveting and explosive crime thriller and one of the year’s best pictures.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

How does movie copulation work exactly?  I ask because most gangster movies have a macho quality that complicates the situation.

“It’s rare to see an ensemble movie like this, so loaded with talented actors, in which virtually all of them get an opportunity to make an impression. Affleck is the boss and the star, but he knows how to share.” Time Mary Pols

When sharing is the opposite of caring

“The Town is nearly as ludicrous as [Affleck’s] debut Gone Baby Gone — another poison pen letter to Beantown.” Armond White New York Press

So, if you hate a movie that most people like (Gone Baby Gone is at 94% on RT), maybe you’ll hate this one too.

“Affleck shows this is how you f_ck_n’ direct a movie.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

And that is how you fuckin’ c_ns_r for publication.

“The Town is part of a career turnaround so amazing that he [Affleck] looks like the new Clint Eastwood. Seriously.” Caryn James Newsweek

That comment makes me wish I had a time machine so I could go back to when Bennifer starred in Gigli and Daredevil and tell angry movie geeks that one day “Affleck will be the new Clint Eastwood.”  I would laugh and laugh with knowing satisfaction as they beat me silly.  The differences between reality then and reality now is the difference between Alpha and Omega (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).
“Someday they’ll make an animated movie in which carnivorous animals actually kill and eat their prey; until then, we’re stuck with the likes of Alpha and Omega.” Vadim Rizov L.A. Weekly

If the wolves aren’t hunting, killing, or other wolf-activities, how do they spend their time?

“The sexual tension is thick between the woodland creatures in Alpha and Omega, an animated children’s film with a plot that has more in common with “The Blue Lagoon” than “Bambi.”” San Francisco Chronicle Peter Hartlaub

How much sexual tension should be expected?  Would a better title have been Full Moon Lagoon or Randy Bambi?

“Almost totally bereft of surprises.” Steven D. Greydanus Christianity Today

It can’t be too risque if the guy from Christianity Today was bored by its lack of risk.

“It’s an ugly, laughless 3-D cartoon about wolves that is so wussified and stupidified that it’ll bore kids and make their adult minders wish they’d done something comparatively interesting, like cleaning the gutters in the rain.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Or arm-wrestle a crocodile

“A gentle courtship guide for youngsters, “Alpha and Omega” is a free-spirited animated comedy where acrobatic chase sequences, featuring wild wolves, take center stage.” Cole SmitheyColeSmithey.com

If you are uneasy about prescribing an animated courtship guide for your kids, you can bypass the birds and bees with nerds and sleaze in Easy A (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“What this high school morality fable really recalls is “Clueless” — a comedy of very contemporary ill manners drawn from classic literature, an immersion in the young-adult lexicon and a potentially career-making showcase for its lead actress, Emma Stone.” Variety John Anderson

It’d be too easy to assign this movie a grade, instead let’s say its star earns a gold star.

“Emma Stone is crazy good in this – Goldie Hawn in ”Private Benjamin” good, Gilda Radner in good, Shelley Long in ”Cheers” good!” Clint Morris Mediasharx

Constructing awkward sentences to insert pop culture references doesn’t always work so…good.

“Wielding an improbable vocabulary that would elicit a head scratch from Merriam-Webster and possessing a beautiful and expressive face, the 21-year-old redhead [Stone] makes you fall for her hard.” Randy Myers Contra Costa Times

How to look smart while scratching your head

“The ghost of John Hughes smiles upon Easy A, a film that freely and giddily borrows from and pays tribute to Hughes’ famous Holy Trinity of ’80s teen angst comedies.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

I wonder if the ghost of John Hughes sees Molly Ringwald’s path from Breakfast Club to Pretty In Pink echoed in Emma Stone’s move from Superbad to this.

“I’d like to see Gluck and Royal actually study what John Hughes achieved during his short stint in teen cinema before they attempt to piss all over his grave a second time around.” Brian OrndorfBrianOrndorf.com

I wonder if the ghost of John Hughes knows his grave is soaked in urine.  And if so, I hope he haunts those pissers.  Or perhaps he can hire someone to torment his foes.  How about a Devil (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?
“A taut, psycho-supernatural chiller with an elegantly simple premise: Five strangers, trapped in the elevator of a highrise, start to go nuts.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

That’s the film’s summary in words, but let’s go nuts with images for the rest.

“It’s not a great film. But it held my interest throughout and released me at just the right time.” Teddy Durgin Screen It!

Timing is everything

“Shyamalan has instead indulged his moldy sense of protracted mischief, providing pedestrian thrills to fans who’ll see every turn of this feature coming a mile away.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Pedestrian thrills

“Perhaps someday, in the greatest twist of all, Shyamalan will be remembered as the Hitchcock of the early 21st century. Until then, movies like Devil will be misunderstood as schlock.” The Onion A.V. Club Scott Tobias

The greatest fist bump of all

“A pocket-size supernatural thriller that plays a bit like Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians retold by an unstable Sunday School teacher.” Adam Markovitz Entertainment Weekly

King Sheep is a relatively stable everyday school teacher

Evil Romantics Still Hitting Resident Virgins

When will those pesky romantics leave the virgins alone?  Bullying people based on their romantic proficiency seems pretty cruel, especially since bullying them about their physical appearance or their cooties is much more socially acceptable. And by cooties, I meant their ‘ick’ factor, not the zombie virus nonsense that fills the world of Resident Evil: Afterlife (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Like one of its lumbering undead, this video game franchise is hard to kill. The fourth entry is less about zombie mayhem than about progressing a larger story arc – if anyone still cares.” Joe Lozito Big Picture Big Sound

For those who care, the story follows hero-protag Alice who (in part 1) worked as security for the Umbrella Corporation, until she learned they were evil and responsible for the zombie outbreak.  In part 2 she developed super powers and Umbrella was evil.  In part 3, she learned she was a clone and Umbrella was still evil.  Umbrella is always the villain and the only thing that changes are the films they steal ideas from. Maybe Alice can be a vampire next time.

“Stupid, over the top but a lot of fun and, once again, ending with the promise of yet another sequel.” Alex Zane Sun Online

Resident Evil: After Afterlife?

“It’s boring. It’s derivative. It’s chaotic. It’s a franchise that’s been running on fumes for eight years. With this entry, the fuel gauge has finally hit empty.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

But doesn’t ‘on fumes’ imply that the tank was already empty?

At least with this gauge ‘on fumes’ = a fuller wallet.

“An adaptation which will soon feel decades behind its time.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Like, in a couple decades?

“Been there, done that, pass the console.” Elliott Noble Sky Movies

If you weren’t there, didn’t do it, and don’t have the console controller yet, just remind them that I’m Still Here (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Is Joaquin Phoenix putting us on? After watching the terrifying, near-brilliant exposé I’m Still Here, in which the Oscar nominee’s public and private unraveling becomes a sick joke, the question doesn’t matter.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

Then why’d you ask it?

“Whatever their actual intentions, I’m Still Here does take on, at times forcefully and effectively, the pathological fallout of the Entertainment Industrial Complex.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

Is ‘pathological fallout’ just a tactful way of saying that being famous makes people assholes?

“This riveting, dismaying documentary is that cinematic car accident you can’t take your eyes from.” David Noh Film Journal International

An enigmatic car accident

“At times I’m Still Here is as ridiculous as Borat, which certainly adds weight to the naysayers’ arguments, and yet even through the multiple shots of male nudity, drug taking and human desecration, everything feels organic.” Sam Bathe Fan The Fire

I know that labelling vegetables and meat ‘organic’ makes it more desirable, but a film?  They said ‘human desecration,’ but maybe they meant ‘compost.’

“You won’t personally be ridiculed and physically attacked. You’ll just leave the theater feeling like you were.” Christopher Campbell Cinematical

And if you’re a virgin, hopefully the violence won’t be amplified with The Virginity Hit (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Equal parts bold experiment (in sustaining a YouTube aesthetic for an entire film), and shallow redux of well-worn teenage sex comedy tropes.” Andrew Barker Variety

‘Well-worn’ and teenage sex tropes go together like peas and carrots.  Although, in this context, the vegetable metaphor takes on an oddly sexual meaning.  I doubt it wouldn’t have been improved by going together like birds and bees.

“The Virginity Hit is fresh, unpretentious fun, but the comedy is so raw that it will appeal only to those who appreciate this sort of unfiltered peek into the mind of males in their late teens and early twenties.”  ReelViews James Berardinelli

I’d recommend filtering the dirtiest thoughts, but censoring often makes things worse.

“Hilariously chronicles the missteps and triumphs—and everything in between—of four teenage guys in their efforts to get laid for the first time.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Isn’t that the plot of American Pie?  What other teenage comedies is the movie shoplifting from?

“Crass and vulgar, of course. It’s supposed to be funny, too, but it isn’t…It makes a movie like ‘Superbad’…seem like Shakespeare.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Our final film wants to make Titanic look like Love Boat, but whether it succeeds or fails is up to The Romantics (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“The all-night orgy of stupidity that ensues is so contrived that instead of examining friendships and love, it only made me wish they had all drowned, saving us from 95 minutes of wooden, boring and inconsequential embarrassment.” Rex Reed New York Observer

In reviewing the film, the comparison went from orgies to mass homicide and it was boring?

“(Holmes) fails to deliver requisite laughs to keep the comedy afloat.” Boxoffice Magazine Steve Ramos

The movie isn’t called The Comedians.  It’s all about the romance.

“This is probably not a good movie to see with your fiancée or fiancé.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

But you shouldn’t see it with anyone you’re romantic with…so it’s not funny and questionabily romantic.  Is there anything worth praising?

“[It] somehow skirts utter loathsomeness by dint of its elegant camerawork and a few finely tuned performances. I’m not suggesting you run out to the theater and see this, but if it comes on cable someday and you have a big pile of laundry to fold…” Dana Stevens Slate

I hope that praise is on the DVD box.  Recommended as household chore background noise.

“Just in time for hurricane season, this perfect storm of pretentiousness blows into a theater near you.” Matt Stevens E! Online

King Sheep prefers unpretentious imperfect storms.