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Legend Of Strange Howling Money Buries Superman Again

It is unnervingly possible that the only real world threat to DC’s fictional Übermensch is money.  After all, low sales is what killed him last time and things must be going well because they haven’t killed him again.  Instead, we lost Captain America and Batman, but they both returned from their dirt naps.  In comics and on Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“The first time around, Wall Street felt like a warning about the perils of excess just as excess started to exact its toll. This one’s little more than a reminder that we all got, and remain, screwed. Noted.” The Onion A.V. Club Keith Phipps

Question: Are we screwing ourselves with excess or are those with excess screwing the rest of us to keep it?

“No deep thoughts here; this is a product of shiny surfaces and glittering patter, the cinematic equivalent of a derivatives offering. Instead of whacking Wall Street, Stone gives it a poke that ends up as a tickle.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

Tickle yourself Elmo?

“Tom Hanks said it best: “There’s no crying on Wall Street.” LaBeouf and Mulligan are terrible. LaBeouf has no “killer instinct”. Douglas makes love to the camera.” Victoria AlexanderFilmsInReview.com

Slow down.  First, Hanks was talking about baseball.  Second, no one named LaBeouf has a killer anything.  Lastly, Douglas, dude, leave the camera alone.

“Just like the Stock Market, this movie suffers from some pretty scary highs and lows.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

And if you’re up for going down, you can join Ryan Reynolds as he gets Buried (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Cortés has an invigorating fondness for the zoom lens. But the movie’s real asset is Reynolds himself, utilizing his comedy chops for unexpected levity.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

Expected levity: a joke about someone rolling over in their graves.

“Talk about burying the lead. . .” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

I should have expected that too.

“Those who claim that Reynolds is just a handsome star should look at this nail-biting, expertly directed political thriller, which he carries single-handedly on his solid soldiers with his dramatic chops.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

Dramatically comedic chopper.

“This exercise in racked nerves makes most of the year’s thrillers look like flailing maniacs by comparison.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Flailing maniacs sound pretty scary.  If they show up I’ll be locked in a closet Waiting For Superman (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).
“Controversy is already swirling around this powerful and important documentary exposing the shocking state of America’s educational system and vividly demonstrating how it is failing the nation and devastating the lives of individual families.“ Shirley Sealy Film Journal International

Speaking as an educator, I can say with complete honesty that I want Superman in my classroom.

“Powerful, passionate, and potentially revolution-inducing documentary.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

The revolution will not be televised, but it is available in theaters.

“Exhilarating, heartbreaking and righteous, Waiting for Superman is also a kind of high-minded thriller: Can the American education system be cured?” John Anderson Variety

If it can’t be cured, kids will just keep repeating the same grades over and over.  Eventually, a 22-year-old third grader will saunter into class and the teacher will look up with an exasperated expression that says: You Again (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?
“You again? Another dismissible chick flick that revolves around a wedding and wastes a handful of good actresses by making them behave in a way that no recognizable person would?” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Some statements must sound like questions?

“How bad is it? If it were a TV sitcom, it would be cancelled after a single episode.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

It could have been worse.  It could have been an unaired pilot.

“Such a stinker that the only way to improve it would be for Disney to run the negative and all of the prints through an industrial shredder.” Lou Lumenick New York Post

And then we’d use what’s left as confetti for a party.  Everyone in attendance would drink, laugh, and Howl (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“The filmmakers don’t get everything right but their passion for Ginsberg’s genius and their excitement over trying to deconstruction a literary master work is contagious. A more perfect film might have been just a teensy-weensy dull.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter

And a more perfect review would correctly spell “deconstruct.”

“A Beat Generation biopic that makes you sympathize with the Man? That’s just unholy.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

“Milk meets Pink Floyd the Wall. Says everything it has to say in the first 20 minutes, then keeps repeating itself.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

“Like the counterculture icon that penned the poem that serves as the title to Rob Epstein and Jeffrey Friedman’s film, Howl is one odd bird.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

From one group of odd birds to another, I couldn’t have asked for a better segue into Legend Of The Guardians: The Owls Of Ga’ Hoole (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Though anything is possible, I seriously doubt that ‘Use your gizzard’ will supplant ‘Trust the Force’ anytime soon.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

I suppose it is also possible that “trust the force” will replace the more accurate “use the force.”

“A sweeping, grand explosion of animated entertainment, skillfully assembled by Snyder…a tremendously engaging, inspired movie, and should not be overlooked by family audiences hungry for a rousing change of pace.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

The gizzard is strong with this one.

“Zack Snyder’s films have some of the best opening-credits sequences in cinema; the unfortunate thing is that there’s always a movie after them.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

If it would improve your opinion, you could leave early.  Depending on your luck, you might find a great taco truck or You Will Meet A Tall Dark Stranger (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“A choice cast and, as usual, some snappy [Woody] Allen patter and observations on amour-or the lack of it-will hit the bulls-eye with Allen fans who follow him wherever he goes.” Pete HammondBoxoffice Magazine

Follow him long enough and eventually you will meet a small Jewish filmmaker.

“This love letter to the Reaper and his unknowable timetable is a bracing addition to an erratic, yet indispensable oeuvre.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

Don’t fear the begging Reaper.

“If this were my very first Allen film, my reaction would be, “That’s it?” Drew McWeeny HitFix

King Sheep says 'that's it.'


4 Responses

  1. Lots of good cracks here. It’s kinda like you shot it through a Sarcasmo -3.

  2. Well, the Man is supposed to be the devil.

  3. I went to check on the typo in Emanuel Levy’s review “…on his solid soldiers…” and I think he changed the entire paragraph on you.

  4. I’m glad to hear it. There was a disturbing number of typos this week. Of course, now I’m doubly afraid of making my own.

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