Dear Frozen Paris: Happy With 13 Terrible Ultimatums? Love, John

January ends and February begins, yet just like a kid looking for proof of aging on their birthday, it doesn’t feel like much has changed.  At least, not in terms of movies.  This week’s big movies involve John Travolta as a bald badass, a handful of independents, and another composition-based romantic fluffer from Nicholas Sparks (The Notebook, Message In A Bottle).  Apparently, Hollywood hasn’t stopped releasing January movies because they are too busy to look at a calendar.  Oh well, we were in Rome last week, and now we get to say goodbye to Eurotrash baddies in From Paris With Love (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

So, From Paris With Love is directed by Pierre Morel who also directed Taken and District 13, yet not Transporter 3 (he was only thanked in the credits) nor District 13-Ultimatum, which also comes out today, but we’ll get to that later; like when I stop employing coordinating conjunctions and end this sentence or if I exhaust every conjunction there is trying to show off my level of linguistic competence.  Well, I hope the film isn’t as unnecessarily complicated as my introduction.

“[Morel] brings in lobotomized entertainment at 90-odd minutes. During the February doldrums, this cannot be underestimated.” Nick Pinkerton Village Voice

It would be crap any other time of year, but today, lobotomized entertainment earns a recommendation.

You're welcome

“Giddily succinct in ways literal-minded folk will not appreciate, From Paris With Love is an object lesson in the realities of what the Obama administration once euphemized as “man-made disaster.”” Armond White New York Press

Even when he likes a movie, he can’t help but sound critical.  If they ever make a movie about academic/critic, Armond White, they should consider the title “From Academia With Spite.”

“Stoopid fun, From Paris With Love doesn’t do much for Paris or love, or your brain cells, but it flies like a crazed eagle on uppers and comes from the talented, propulsive schlocketeer Pierre Morel.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Speaking of challenging reviews, I don’t know how to feel about a movie that is described as a demented eagle on psychoactive drugs.  The fact that the eagle in question doesn’t support Paris, love, or my brain is disheartening, but ultimately its endorsements are as relevant as alternate spellings of the word “stupid.”

“As with Spaghetti Westerns and sit-coms, you know they’ve jumped the shark when the tone turns to self-mockery.” Cole Smithey Daily Radar

Well, at least there are jokes.  But perhaps more importantly, can a non-sequel jump the shark?

Even more importantly, who would win?

“I hasten to say this is not criticism of John Travolta. He succeeds in this movie by essentially acting in a movie of his own.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

There was a time in Travolta’s career when that comment would be mostly positive.  I fear the opposite after learning that his next movie is Wild Hogs 2: Bachelor Ride.

“Only a Wild West town between sheriffs has fewer law officers than this film’s depiction of Paris.”  Lisa Nesselson Screen International

I suspect the same lawlessness may be true for the demilitarized version of future Paris in District 13: Ultimatum (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“More of the same, only more. Yet here, “more” means a more needlessly convoluted plot, a more cartoonish parade of ethnic stereotypes, and more leaden political metaphor than viewers can digest.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

More.  More.  More.

“It’s not hard to be engaged by the sheer energy of the District 13 films and, despite a handful of minor plot gripes, the sequel more than matches its predecessor for eye-popping action and relentless drive.” Toby Weidmann Filmstar Magazine

Check out some eye-popping action and relentless drive from the original.

“The fight sequences (choreographed by Raffaelli) are especially creative, with the combatants using any available object, including a priceless Van Gogh painting, to get the job done.” Variety Jordan Mintzer

Art saves the day!  It could only be cooler if he used the painting to hack off some guy’s ear.

“Jumps the shark regularly with glee . . .”  James O’Ehley Sci-Fi Movie Page

Really?  Two movies jump the shark in the same week?

John Q Shark implements his "no more jumping over me" rule

“The reason this wildly improbable, socially clueless drivel is easily the most entertaining film of the week is that it contains three of the most exciting action sequences I’ve seen in the past ten years.”  Christopher Tookey Daily Mail [UK]

Contrary to most stereotypes, if you want action this weekend – stick with the French.  However, if you want thrills, get stuck on a frosty ski lift: Frozen (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“An effective, no-frills gruel-a-thon if that’s your cup of Swiss Miss, and it explores such burning questions as: What happens if you’re dumb enough to leave your bare hand on a metal safety bar overnight?” Boston Globe Ty Burr

A: It turns into Ice Ice, baby.
B: You have one less hand to hold your Swiss Miss with.
C: Answer B is really hard to say

“With a different set of shivers sent up and down collective audience spines, you’re there in that chairlift with those doomed humans whether you like it or not, dying every inch of the way with them.”  Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

Do I have to freeze to death with them?  I’d rather sip my Swiss Miss while wrapped in a Snuggie.

“Frozen is quite simply terrifying. It will do for skiing what Jaws did for swimming.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Will do for dentists, what sharks do for skiing.

“It’s difficult to get into its “What would I do?” vibe, though, through so thick and transparent a barrier of contrivances.” Los Angeles Times Michael Ordona

Like, why can’t they use cell phones?  Why can’t they drop from the lift and ski down?  And why does this roundup seem to be honoring Shark Week?

“Don’t be surprised if the movie’s most wince-inducing moments come not from the “disturbing images” (as the MPAA describes the sight of a leg bone sticking six inches out of one character’s ski pants) but rather of the bad acting and worse dialogue.” Variety Peter Debruge

Well, that spoilery review answered my ‘drop from the lift’ question.  Perhaps a more entertaining question would be: How would you feel if you were a dark comedy/crime noir Best Foreign Film nominee from Denmark?  Answer: Terribly Happy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)

“A strong crime-thriller on par with some of the films from the Coen Brothers, one that keeps you captivated with every twist and development.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

People use the term “on par” all the time, but why is nothing ever “on birdie” or “on eagle?”

After seeing this picture, I finally understand why they call it The Masters

“Finds the sweet spot in that realm of disturbing, unpredictable drama tinged with the blackest possible comedy…a deliciously dark and offbeat surprise.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

It’s a dark comedy and an unpredictable drama.  Does it dip into any other genres?

“Not a horror movie but a witty, expertly constructed psychological thriller.” The New York Times Stephen Holden

As someone who’s never seen a Danish comedy/drama/thriller, just what would I be in for?

“An eerie spellbinder featuring inbred folks from a small, evil, Danish town.” Harvey S. Karten Compuserve

So this film could do for inbred Danish folks what Deliverance did for inbred Southern hillbillies?  Apparently, all of my comments about this movie are really questions, so what’s the low-down on this highly-rated import?

“Not terrible, not happy.”  Staci Layne Wilson Horror.com

That review could also apply to many long-distance relationships, like the one between a local girl and a deployed soldier who exchange letters in Dear John (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Hallstrom knows his way around heartbreak and domestic frigidity, and his syrup whispering skills come in handy, as Dear John has a tendency to buck wildly when it comes to articulating the strain of a long-distance relationship.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

I’m confused by the idea of syrup whispering.  Is he trying to boost molasses confidence so it’s brave enough to make the journey to my belly?  Also, did he pick up this skill in the syrup slammer?

“Hallstrom and his low-heat stars can’t find the pulse of this corpse.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

And now someone’s dead?  When did that happen?  Did a shark get him?

Dear Filmmakers: Please make more movies like this.

“There’s no real depth or texture to the characters of any sort, sentimental or otherwise, and I say that as someone who can be brought to tears by a Hallmark commercial.” Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

When 100 minutes of romantic storytelling generates less emotion than a 30-second commercial, expect disappointed viewers to send hate mail.  For example:

“Dear Mr. Sparks and The Filmmakers: Due to unanticipated disappointments, I regret to inform you that I cannot love your film. Godspeed.” Kimberly Gadette Indie Movies Online

“Dear Nicholas Sparks, There’s no easy way to say this. But with Dear John, the latest of the five films made so far from your sentimental, best-selling novels, I think our relationship is in trouble.” Washington Post Michael O’Sullivan

Uh oh.  People are breaking up with Dear John via Dear John letters.  So, if the film isn’t for Spark-lovers, who’s the movie for?

“Awash in mawkish sentimentality, Dear John still will move you deeply – if you’re a 12-year-old girl.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

PDJ is awash in sharkish sentimentality

 

When In Dark Las Vegas, Face North And Run Off

This roundup rounds out the end of January, and hopefully puts a lid on the radioactive waste that’s been oozing into theaters.  In the past, we’ve dipped into the limited releases just so people don’t lose hope in this dark month, and since the month isn’t quite over, we’re dipping again.  We’ve got three limited release movies you’ve probably never heard of and two mainstream movies that are due to ooze into multiplexes this weekend, so let’s get to it.  First up, after an eight year hiatus from acting (over 30’s, this is your cue to feel old) Mel Gibson returns as a grieving father who demolishes bad guys and a Boston accent in Edge Of Darkness (Rotten Tomatoes –Metacritic).

“An odd duck of a thriller. Quiet, talkative, with the occasional explosion of violence, it has ghosts and characters philosophizing, quoting F. Scott Fitzgerald or blurting insensitive non-sequiturs.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

Since most thrillers are too predictable to be odd, let’s call that a compliment.

“Gibson is willing to embrace the chance to be this generation’s Charles Bronson.”  Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Under 30’s, this is your cue to say “who?”

“Mel is at the top of his game as the T-1000 of angry, grieving fathers.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

That’s a better film reference.  But then again, Terminator 2 came out almost 20 years ago (1991).  And is it just me or does James Cameron come up in nearly every conversation about movies these days?

“A shot that defiantly fixes on Mel Gibson’s balding pate from behind is the only evidence of the volatile actor-director’s famous penchant for cinematic self-flagellation here.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

So, he comes out of retirement to self-flagellate over his bald spot?  I wonder if anyone’s called him Sugar Dome yet?

“Gibson tries on a Boston accent (it needs work) and boringly underplays his character before the inevitable “Mad Mel” makes his appearance in the third act.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

He prefers to be called Sane Mel

Whether he’s Martin Riggs pulling suicidal stockbrokers off rooftops or Max running over bikers of the apocalypse, Mad Mel is what made him famous.  Do you have any comparable memories for Maverick or What Women Want?

“Love him or loathe him, the Melster still has screen presence. That’s why he’s a star.” Robert W. Butler Kansas City Star

I think we can all agree to loathe the Melster…but only as a nickname.  Mad Mel is so much funnier.  What’s the final word on the movie most likely to come in at number 2 behind Avatar.

“Campbell’s film offers not surprises, exactly, but craftsmanship and low, brute, cunning satisfactions.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Should I be surprised that I don’t know what low, brute, cunning satisfaction is?  While I’m pondering that, let’s ponder what to do When In Rome (Rotten Tomatoes –Metacritic).

“Certain scenes in When in Rome signify nothing less than the death of screen slapstick, but I’m hoping it’s one of those fake-out movie deaths where it’s not really dead, not forever.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Correct me if I’m wrong, but I think he just implied that slapstick humor faked it’s own death in this movie.  If that doesn’t put butts in seats, what will?

“A weak rehash of Love Potion No. 9, with Love Potion No. 9 replaced by crack.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

Harold and Kumar were pro-marijuana, Go and Groove were pro-Ecstasy, and now When In Rome is pro-crack?  Did I get that right?

I wonder if the Olsen's version was pro-anything?

“The director of ‘Ghost Rider’ and ‘Daredevil’ tries to make us laugh on purpose for once — and fails badly.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

Yeah, but how many of those laughs came from Affleck prancing around in red leather and Nick Cage with his head on fire?  If you put either of those things in this movie, you’d get laughs.

“If someone taught classes on how not to make a romantic comedy, When in Rome would most certainly be one of the examples they would use.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

If I could teach classes on how not to do something, I would have had tenure years ago.

“Please, Gods of Love, make this movie disappear.” Connie Ogle Miami Herald

I can’t answer your prayer, but perhaps you could appeal to Saint John of Las Vegas (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)

“With stars like Steve Buscemi and Sarah Silverman and big-fish producers such as Spike Lee and Stanley Tucci on board, you’d think this indie would offer some glimmer of wit or originality. Think again.” Chris Nashawaty Entertainment Weekly

But the premise is a road movie retelling of Dante’s Inferno, I see a glimmer of originality right there.  Is it really that bad?

“The promised quirkiness is muted and dull, and the stakes seem much lower than they ought to.”  Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

The reviewer from Las Vegas wanted higher stakes.  Big surprise…

“Steve Buscemi cuts so droll and heart-wrenching a figure in Hue Rhodes’s deadpan road movie Saint John of Las Vegas that the plot — shaggy and inconsequential as it is — gets in the way.” David Edelstein New York Magazine

Watch out!  The plot is in the way! (badump badump).

He should have watched out for plot holes.

“As a portrait of one man’s journey toward dignity, Saint John isn’t bad enough to create its own special circle of hell. As a comedy, though, it’s anything but divine.” Glenn Whipp Associated Press

The upside is that it doesn’t create a ninth circle of hell?  What would that even look like?

“First-time director and screenwriter Hue Rhodes shows no discernible talent for dialogue, humor and, especially, pacing. For a movie than runs a mere 85 minutes, Saint John moves like a life sentence in molasses prison.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

You heard it here first, the newest level of hell is a syrup slammer.  French toasters, waffle hounds and pancake aficionados just got a license to sin.  Congrats.  They may already be Off And Running (Rotten Tomatoes –Metacritic)

Someone want to start us off with summary?

“Nice coming-of-age doc about an African-American teen who shares a Brooklyn brownstone with the white Jewish lesbian parents who adopted her and two adopted siblings.” Doris Toumarkine Film Journal International

Wow, how has this story not become an MTV reality show?  The topic sounds sticky, and I mean the emotional way not the syrup slammer way.

“Director Nicole Opper never resorts to promoting reductive, campus counselor-esque values.”  Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

“Opper doesn’t angle for a climactic group hug, but she sticks around long enough to allow us to exhale while this intelligent young woman begins to set herself, quite literally, back on track.” Ella Taylor Village Voice

I’m glad to hear that this story doesn’t need any climatic cinematic camp counselor crowd cuddling.  Okay, no more crappy couplets.

“Initially succeeds at accounting for the formation of this unlikely family unit, but as the subject’s life starts to unravel, cut-rate cable TV techniques (trifling montages, an overactive string score) deaden the full impact of her crisis.” Time Out New York Kevin B. Lee

Most documentaries are imperfect.  They have to take a true story and refine it for film without sacrificing too much truth at the alter of entertainment.  Assuming audiences can look past the blemishes, what are they in for?

“Ultimately uplifting, this endearing bio-pic offers a wonderful warts-and-all look from the inside out at both the blessings and challenges of trans-cultural adoption.” Kam Williams NewsBlaze

And speaking of uplifting bio pics with a few warts, our last film tells the story of a pair of German climbers who were urged to climb the north face of the Eiger in the Swiss Alps by propaganda-seeking Nazis: North Face (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Anyone who loved Touching The Void will be moved by what turns into a quest for survival. This film has a bigger budget, more spectacular shots, a touching love story and a historical backdrop of the Nazi thirst for glory.” Sun Online

For fans of survival stories and Mountain Film, North Face sounds like an appropriately harrowing entry into the genre.

“Director Philipp Stoltz proves a master of tension, cruelly juxtaposing the climbers – caked in ice and ravaged by frostbite – with the idle sightseers, gorging on champagne while casually gauging the mountaineers’ progress.” Tim Evans Sky Movies

I hate champagne guzzling Nazis.

Almost as much as I hate other food service Nazis

“Cleverly playing on the genre’s propagandistic ties to the Third Reich, the film reflects the tragic arc of National Socialism in each ominous crevasse and in every grandiloquent gesture.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

So, the rise and fall of the Third Reich parallels the rise and fall of a pair of rock jocks?  Cool.

“Director Philipp Stölzl makes the movie a tad more political (i.e., anti-Nazi) than it needs to be, but Fürmann’s stoic performance reduces the story to its harsh, true fundamentals.” Village Voice Brian Miller

Was that use of ’stoic’ a mountain pun?  Was it better/worse than my ‘cool’ pun?

“Exactly what the magic of movies is about, giving you a risk-free front-row seat that still manages to make you feel like you’re caught up in the action.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

PDJ rarely manages risk-free action

 

The Train Fairy Created The Tooth Legion

The January cinematic slump continues with a series of lame offerings that have lined up to beg for your money.  Hollywood’s panhandlers include American myths, Charles Darwin, recent media troublemakers, some guy who looks like Han Solo, and the armies of Heaven.  Perhaps if all these figures appeared in the same movie we’d have something worth watching.  But alas, we have things like The Tooth Fairy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The poster’s the funniest thing about the project: Johnson, sporting a pair of fairy wings larger than his forearms, glaring at the camera.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Am I supposed to be laughing at his glaring or something else?

“Another excruciating film about an unlikable hero who is somehow considered a badass despite making jokes like, ‘You can’t handle the tooth.’”  Matt Pais Metromix.com

In addition to the poster being the most memorable thing about the movie, it spoils one of its best dental jokes?  My interest is fading…

“Focus. Tooth Fairy isn’t as bad as you may have feared. It’s not all that good, either, but at least it’s possible to sit through it and hold down your popcorn.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

You made me focus so you could tell me this movie won’t make me barf.  Gee, thanks.

“One can only hope it doesn’t serve as a precedent for, let’s say, John Cena following up ‘The Marine’ with a fantasy in which he plays the Easter Bunny”  Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

How about the Rock’s Fairy and Cena’s Bunny versus Hulk Hogan as Cupid and Stone Cold Steve Austin as Punxsutawney Phil.  Bets?

Is that a bandanna or a content label?

“Like oral surgery without laughing gas, the latest family film to star former wrestler Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson is an annoying pain we could all do without.”  Ben McEachen Sunday Mail (Australia)

Speaking of annoying pains and painful surgery, our next film, Extraordinary Measures (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) pits desperate dad (Brandon Fraser) and dynamic doctor (Harrison Ford) against corporate cocks who won’t share their new wonder-drug.  Sounds pretty straight forward.

“Director Tom Vaughan seems to have put more thought into that five-second title card, “inspired by a true story,” than he put into the rest of the movie.”  Jeffrey M. Anderson Combustible Celluloid

The title probably took some time.  They could have called it Unorthodox Efforts or Aberrant Deeds.  There must be a reason it’s not called Screwy Stratagems.  Perhaps there were fierce debates over calling it Peculiar Maneuvers.  I guess we’ll never know.

“Everything about this excruciatingly dull, talky film screams made-for-network-TV: The I’m-only-here-for-a-paycheck performances by famous actors; the Crate and Barrel catalog mise-en-scene; the syrupy, heartwarming score that lays the pathos on so thickly you gag on it.” Miami Herald Rene Rodriguez

How exactly does someone choke on emotion?

He's choking! Someone perform Heimlich's Peculiar Maneuver!

“It’s unsurprising that the first movie released by the new film production outfit CBS Films is something that looks and tastes an awful lot like a TV movie of the week.” Marjorie Baumgarten Austin Chronicle

Never mind, now I want to know what a TV movie of the week tastes like.

“As tailored-for-television as a movie can get without containing actual commercial breaks.” Sean O’Connell Filmcritic.com

Perhaps the film could have used them, it might have stopped critics from wanting to euthanize this movie.  But don’t the big name actors automatically raise the quality level?

“The overall feel is one of a generic, feel-good drama, albeit one with Harrison Ford stomping around most of the time as if someone kicked him in the shins. One suspects that this is a story that deserved better.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

“Fraser, who’s in way over his head skill-wise, sabotages the movie every time he’s on screen. Which is almost every scene.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Okay, suddenly things just got a lot more interesting.  Someone kicked Indiana Jones in the shins and Brandon Fraser is committing cinematic sabotage to further some unknown political agenda.  Why doesn’t Hollywood make a movie out of that?  Oh well, I guess zombie hordes and warring angels will have to do: Legion (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).
This is one of those movies that critics weren’t allowed to see before it was released, which is rarely a good sign.  However, since this movie deals with a potential antichrist, perhaps there was some subtle sign-commentary going on.  Maybe?

“The finished product is shockingly bad … an exercise in futility. Spare yourself the agony.” Uncle Creepy Dread Central

I’m shocked that it’s that bad.  Who’s to blame?

“Whoever is responsible for the final cut must get the brunt of the blame. Sadly, a far better, more cohesive picture probably exists somewhere on the cutting room floor.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

Interesting.  It’s not often that you hear the editor blamed for a movie’s failure.  I’m already preparing myself for the director’s cut/unrated release that promises footage that was “too intense for theaters.”

“It’s a labored, darkly photographed, cringingly acted hodgepodge of fanciful geek-bait genre ideas and hideous connect-the-dots scripting. Who knew the end of the world could be such a screaming bore.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

Additional boring hodgepodge = too intense for theaters.

“When all is said and done, Legion is all talk and no “do”, a prude film with some seriously wasted potential. It’s boring, slow-paced and takes itself way too goddamn seriously.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Given that this movie is about Heaven declaring war on humanity, are you joking or jeering when you use ‘goddamn’ in your review?

Or both?

“Beneath its superficial religious facade, Legion is really just a run-of-the-mill zombie flick. A Biblical ‘I Am Legend’.” Thomas Leupp Hollywood.com

To prove that Legion is a supernatural force on this earth, I will now conjure a miracle.  I summon, another Paul Bellamy movie that comes out on the same day (insert thunder and lightning special effects here)!  Behold my Creation (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)!

“In fact, given its subject matter, Creation should arguably be bolder and more shocking if it wants to survive among the fittest at the multiplex. Audiences with so many flashier pictures available may not regard a straightforward period biopic as a natural selection.” NPR Bob Mondello

Okay, we’ve got ’survival of the fittest’ and ‘natural selection’ referenced.  Did we miss any other Darwinisms?

“What begins as a multilayered tale of scientific discovery and cultural history gets reduced to a single maudlin idea: that even Charles Darwin had to evolve.” Noel Murray AV Club

Look into the origin of my species.

“If some of our home-grown Bible thumpers had been exposed to dramas like Creation at a tender age, we might have been spared a lot of bother.” Kelly Vance East Bay Express

Yeah, instead they’re exposed to movies like Legion.

“Bettany conveys with poetic intensity and an excruciating anxiety, a man torn by a terrible discovered truth he can hardly bear to acknowledge as he faces public scorn and resentment at home, a kind of second coming of Adam booted out of the Garden.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

He’s an uzi-packing angel!  He’s the first man on earth (rebooted)!  Paul Bettany is Captain Bibleman!

Here is another sign of things to come

“After seeing the movie, a sense of insufficiency remains; we feel the need to read additional accounts to truly learn about the man who left such a huge imprint on science.” Claudia Puig USA Today

A movie about history’s favorite researcher makes me want to do research.  FAIL or WIN?

“Jon Amiel’s portrait of Darwin’s efforts to accept and acclimate to a new reality is mucked up by all manner of directorial flim-flam.”  Nick Schager Slant Magazine

“There are good performances and fleeting moments of exquisite moviemaking, but the experience as a whole is an evolutionary dead end. A dodo this is not, but rather a curiosity — an aye-aye of a film, or a narwhal.” Ty Burr Boston Globe

New reality narwhals, exquisite acclimating, and aye-aye flim-flams?  In addition to the researching, this movie made people want to flex their Thesaurus’ muscles.  Perhaps I conjured an inferior miracle.  Oh well, our miracle-needs have expired because our last movie is based on actual events: The Girl On The Train (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Since this is the best reviewed movie of the weekend, let’s get started with a summary.

“Master filmmaker Andre Techine (“Les Egares,” 2002) presents a deceptively minimalist story of a French girl’s false allegations regarding an anti-Semitic attack during a train commute that shook France during the summer of 2004.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

Wow, recent history is being explored for modern film.  I feel the same trepidation I felt when W came out with Bush still in office.  Does the film provide some much-needed perspective on the events?

“Given several years’ distance from the media blitz, Téchiné brings clarity, maturity, and perspective to the case while still subtly addressing all the thorny social issues the affair touched off.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

Glad to hear it.  What other reasons do readers have to track down this foreign gem?

“…exuberant but unfocused drama about a recent French news story that caused a sensation before being exposed as bogus. Jewish-themed elements may also help fill seats.” Doris Toumarkine Film Journal International

If that seat-filling conclusion were true for all of this week’s films then Christians will be watching Legion, scientists will watch Creation, kids who believe in a Tooth Fairy will watch a movie about one, and anyone who’s ever taken on a massive pharmaceutical company be watching Extraordinary Measures.  Maybe it’s better if the audiences are made up of more than the already-converted.

“For better or worse, there isn’t a human experience that French director André Téchiné can resist lathering into a tone poem.” Village Voice Ella Taylor

My commentary instinct tells me I should try to compose a tone poem here, but first: what’s a tone poem?  Nevermind, we don’t have time for that.  Our weekend’s beckon.  Final thoughts?

“The movie is held together…by the fluidity of his style and his characteristic blend of lightness and gravity.” Bernard Besserglik Hollywood Reporter

PDJ is only as light as gravity allows.

 

Eli, The Bookish Spy Stationed Next Door, Fishes for Tanks

Two art house entries, two mainstreamers, and one film that switched from one to the other (but I already covered it).  This is what you’ll get during the “dung-heap month of January,” or so says one of this week’s critics.  Sorry, Lovely Bones, but we’ve got new candidates that are ripe for mockage, especially if that dung heap comment is to be taken seriously.  And what could be more serious than Denzel Washington as a postapocalyptic bible-thumping bad ass in: The Book of Eli (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A ponderous dystopian bummer that might be described as “The Road Warrior” without car chases, or “The Road” without humanity.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

Nearly all postapocalyptic films are drenched in tragedy; it’s standard fare for a landscape littered with the ruins of civilization.  But don’t leave out the car chases.

“The first major action film of 2010 is more pensive and lyrical than advertised.” John P. McCarthy ReelTalk Movie Reviews

Perhaps that’s because a trailer focusing on the poetic and thought-provoking qualities would contrast too harshly with Denzel hacking limbs off with a machete.

“Either the apocalypse is coming soon or Hollywood is kind of over-preparing.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Either Hollywood is over-preparing because they want to establish hope in lone-wanderering do-gooders or they want to call dibs on ringside seats for public sinning at the Pleasuredome.

The rest of us will live in Dome Village

“In the future, according to The Book of Eli, we’ll all dress like we’re in a Nine Inch Nails video. It is written.” Jake Coyle Associated Press

Could we erase it?

“Its over-the-top violence is cartoonish at times, menacing at others – which is a good thing. And truly, if one must wander a barren, post-apocalyptic landscape with somebody, who better to wander with than Denzel Washington?” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

Personally, I’d pick Survivorman or Jesus.

“The only consistent element is Washington’s hero whose calling is to take the Bible out West; the rest is an absurd, incoherent narrative defined by contradictions: religious and violent, arty and exploitational, serious and trashy, stylized and gritty.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

I wouldn’t mind a few more contradictions in our next movie: The Spy Next Door (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  We’ve seen this premise before (The Pacifier, Kindergarten Cop, Suburban Commando) and just like in those movies, they make a tough guy play fish-out-of-water in a domestic situation.  In this case, they took the great action hero/clown/stunt junkie Jackie Chan, and neutered what he does best with a PG rating.  What’s left?

“Everybody knew to wait for the outtakes during the closing credits, because you’d see him miss a fire escape or land wrong in the truck going under the bridge. Now the outtakes involve his use of the English language.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

That comment is so sad, I am tempted to move on, but I feel compelled to conclude an earlier point.

“Immediately forgettable family entertainment, suitable for release only in the dung-heap month of January.” Village Voice Melissa Anderson

The nicest thing you can say is: at least it belongs with the rest of the shit?

“Chan struggles gamely to charm, but the picture’s cartoonish jokes and misfired gags are likely to elicit more eye rolls than laughs.” Variety Lael Loewenstein

Ugh.

“Limp and lifeless, this Next Door neighbor should be evicted to DVD.” Orlando Sentinel Roger Moore

But where will it go if Grandpa DVD won’t take it in?  Would it have to go bunk with Uncle LaserDisc or creepy cousin Betamax?

“Chan’s new all-ages vehicle is smooth like oatmeal. It’s hard to imagine anyone being offended, except fans of good comedy.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Yeah, screw those guys.

“As matinee fodder for desperate families, it could be worse. But not much.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

If it was a contradiction to be marginally acceptable for desperate people, I would be able to tie two narrative strands together.  Oh well, transitioning from this to our next film is a practically a contradiction already.

In The Last Station (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), great actors square off in a historical drama about Leo Tolstoy and his wife in the final years of their marriage.  Sounds like Oscar bait to me.

“Three superb performances by Helen Mirren, Christopher Plummer and James McAvoy should have Oscar handicappers drooling.” The Hollywood Reporter Stephen Farber

See?

“This production, directed by Michael Hoffman, is like a great night at the theatre–the two performing demons go at each other full tilt and produce scenes of Shakespearean affection, chagrin, and rage.” The New Yorker David Denby

Oooh.  Performing demons?  I hope they play the Pleasuredome later.

“The arrival of a movie with as much intelligence and artistry as The Last Station should also be accompanied by the sound of trumpets.” Rex Reed New York Observer

Okay, my Bullshit detector just went off.  It can’t be that great.  Let’s level out these expectations with something critical.

This could be next Christmas' must-have gift for 12-year-old boys

“The kind of movie that gives literature a bad name. Not because it undermines the dignity of a great writer and his work, but because it is so self-consciously eager to flaunt its own gravity and good taste.” The New York Times A.O. Scott

Can anyone do better than calling it “snooty?”

“If you never read Tolstoy, this film guarantees you will not be tempted.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Got it.  This film will make me hate reading.  That’s pretty bad.  But not many critics have anything bad to say about this week’s highest reviewed movie: Fish Tank (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Fish Tank takes you to places you never expected and, with pitch-perfect performances all round, makes for a beguiling and very real picture that conjures hope amid the most hopeless of surroundings. The best British film of the year.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

I watch a fair number of movies, but not many of them are British.  How big a compliment is that?

“Fish Tank is a simple but incredibly, almost unbelievably, powerful film. No man or woman with warm blood in their body will come away from it feeling chirpy. On the plus side, it’s so reassuringly brilliant that you’ll feel proud to be British.” Tom Howard FHM [UK]

Be careful singing its praises too loudly.  For some remake-happy American directors, the words “Brilliant foreign film” are a more powerful temptation than Oscar bait.

“Fish Tank is full of surprises, twisting and turning like a teenage girl trying to escape the clutches of an unwanted suitor.” Alex Blimes GQ Magazine [UK]

Maybe we should take a break from the British critics, they are going to creepy places for their metaphors.

Is this a contradiction?

“The movie is unusually sensitive to the ways young people pick up their cues on how to act like adults, and how awkwardly they practice what they’ve learned.”  Noel Murray AV Club

I have to admit that sounds fascinating.  But in my little corner of the world, British films about awkward youth are hard to come by.  How hard should I try to see it?

“I’m telling you here and now to seek out Fish Tank, either at a big-city theater or via VOD, because it’s absolute dynamite.” Andrew O’Hehir Salon.com

Remind me one last time why I’m seeking dynamite?

“It’s a pungent display of teenage life, but Fish Tank achieves sublime emotional candor, gripping tightly with an electric cinematic hold. It makes the unthinkable captivating.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

PDJ used to be a pungent teenager.

 

Preview Predictions

I saw a movie in the theater last weekend, and if you’re experiencing the same kind of economic prohibition that I am then you’ll appreciate what a glorious treat that was.  The flick I saw was Sherlock Holmes, a feast of fisticuffs with delectable displays of deduction for dessert.  If you’ve already seen it, then you don’t need me to tell you how it was.  If you haven’t seen it, then I’ll simply say that you should.  If you have no desire whatsoever to see  it, then close this browser window and go back to your NASCAR and Hamm’s.

Now the main event, Preview Predictions, where I, inspired to Holmesian Heights of deductive reasoning, will make forecasts of films using only their theatrical trailers.  The previews I saw before Holmes (in order of appearance):

Wolfman – While the title leaves little mystery as to the theme of the movie, the trailer uses a disjointed assemblage of action scenes and transformation close-ups to distract you from the fact that no plot is revealed.  However, I observed enough clues to know this:  Anthony Hopkins’ son gets a strange bite and grows up to be Benicio del Toro who transforms into the title character once every lunar cycle.  His favorite pastimes include slaughtering innocents, terrorizing the opera, and being shot by Hugo Weaving.  The film will do marginally well at the box office, prove to be too subtle for vapid New Moon fans, and grow old enjoying a cult status alongside Hopkins’ last foray into the occult, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

Hot Tub Time Machine – With a title too ridiculous to be anything but a comedy, this will be a mash-up of Peggy Sue Got Married and Dude, Where’s My Car? No need to forecast the plot since it’s all in the trailer, but I do predict a mega-dose of life lessons for the main characters as they try to change their pasts only to realize that their lives aren’t so bad.  It’ll start like a stand-up act at the Sahara and end like an after school special.  Limited theater run, but a big hit on DVD as the college crowd unleashes its potential for drinking games.

Bounty Hunter – When this hits theaters, expect to see phrases like “Romantic comedy hit of the spring!”  Star power alone will push it up in the box office ranks, but it’ll lose momentum when folks see that the film holds back when it should pay off.  The danger will fall flat and the animosity between the two lead characters will turn out to be only skin deep.  In the end, it’ll be It Happened One Night with an action/intrigue façade.

Sorcerer’s Apprentice – With a disturbingly unbalanced Mickey Mouse to Nick Cage’s hair length ratio, this urban fantasy romp will attempt to use the established fan base of Harry Potter and the momentum of spring’s The Lightning Thief to really take off.  Alas, there will be no genre-bending plot twists or original character arcs, just a heaping helping of cool visuals and moments of magic in the modern world.  Nothing as cool as Lightning Thief but cool enough to put it at least a peg above The Seeker: the Dark is Rising.

And for my last premonition,  I foresee this next Weekend Roundup to be a fountain of hilarity which will spark your interest, captivate your mind, and entrance your soul.

I will leave you with today’s Funny Bumper Sticker:  “Militant Agnostic – I don’t know, and neither do you.”

 

Leaping Youth Breaks Day, Year Revolts

That title has a surprisingly grim New Year ring to it, as if baby-2010 snapped January 1st’s spine with a Tony Jaa elbow attack and scared old-man-2009 away.  That slightly morose image was meant to be consistent with this weekend’s films, given that they deal with angry (and mildly schizophrenic) teens, corporate vampires, and a woman who’s frustrated she’s not a fiancee.  These must be the kind of movies we get when the holiday cheer tank is down to fumes.  That being said, there are also a lot of familiar elements to this week’s releases that tie back to some classic film/television concepts.
For example, Youth In Revolt (Rotten Tomatoes - Metacritic) tells the story of a young man who’s desire to rebel manifests as a devious and mustache-clad alter ego.  If you’ve experienced popular culture from the 70’s/80’s you know that adding facial hair is a common sign that a character has ‘gone dark’ or is an evil twin.  Are there any other classic elements being incorporated/updated here?

“Has a strong Dickensian flavor, blending slapstick with social satire…You’ll laugh at Cera’s off-rhythm delivery and casual sharpness wrapped in the softest possible tones.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Those Facebooking kids of today love their Dickensian – It was the best of posts, it was the worst of posts.

"If there were no bad people, there would be no good lawyers." -Charles Dickens

“Timing is everything. And Youth in Revolt is late — arriving not just at the tail end of the star’s sell-by date for this particular kind of character, but more importantly at the tail end of the intended audience’s attention span for an inconsequential Sundance-y tale of sexual coming-of-age.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

Okay, but hold on.  Does this mean that watching the movie later (say, on DVD) will make it better because Sundance will have faded from memory?  Sometimes when you’re late, you’re really just early for something else, like going to the theater and missing one showing, but having another one start soon.  Or is it late in the gets-worse way – like with spoiled milk?

“From the beginning, it’s apparent that there’s something “off” about Youth in Revolt. It’s not that the film is fatally flawed, but the tone is uneven, the satire is blunt, the comedy rarely generates more than feeble laughs, and the lead character never comes fully to life.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Is there something off about him because he has a mustache, or does having a mustache mean there's something off about him?

“Cera can be winning enough, with his flat-toned goofiness, in films like “Superbad,” but there’s only just enough of the guy to fill out one dramatis persona; two at once prove to be beyond him.” The New Yorker Anthony Lane

““Punk” and “rebel” don’t belong in the same sentence with “Michael Cera.” But somehow, they connect in the few-holds-barred teen comedy Youth in Revolt.”  Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

The more I read, the more it sounds like Michael Cera is the film’s X-factor.  However, the film is based on three books and the premise is something that gets explored in every generation (From Rebel James Dean to Cry Baby Johnny Depp).  Is this the Millennial’s film about youth against authority?

“This red state versus blue state daringly offbeat chucklefest elevates that notorious dumb and dumber genre known as teen comedy, into fresh and verbally tangy territory. Enough so, to easily earn this movie informal bragging rights as Juno II.” Prairie Miller NewsBlaze

I think our next movie has informal bragging rights as this month’s The Ugly Truth or this year’s PS I Love You: Leap Year (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Adams plays a woman who follows her boyfriend to Ireland to propose, but ends up traveling across the country with an irritating, but sexy, Irishman instead.

“There’s no emotional undercurrent, just saccharine sentiment shared by two unlikable characters; one a clichéd Irish Paddy-O-Everythingsfineafterapint, the other a clichéd American boob.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Okay, that’s the downside, is there an up?

“This is a full-bore, PG-rated, sweet rom-com. It sticks to the track, makes all the scheduled stops and bears us triumphantly to the station. And it is populated by colorful characters, but then, when was the last time you saw a boring Irishman in a movie?” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Colorful? Check. Facial Hair? Check. Boring Irishman? Notsomuch.

“This film is unquestionably the most unromantic and downright despairing romcom since “Made of Honor” or, possibly, “Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf?”" Austin Chronicle Marc Savlov

“Leap Year belongs to the Prada backlash subgenre of women’s pictures–epitomized by “The Proposal”–in which smart, stylish women must be muddied, abased, ridiculed, and degraded in order to get their man.” Village Voice Brian Miller

It sounds like a romantic comedy that deserves the ire of women.  It’s like the opposite of a good idea.

Another opposite of a good idea: Evil doughboy choosing a lair made of fire

“Leap Year is like most relationships: You keep waiting for it to get better, until you finally accept that it won’t.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Let’s pump the brakes on the despair mobile, at least it has a cute and talented lead in Amy Adams.

“This isn’t Amy Adams totally jumping the shark, but it’s at least hopping a jellyfish.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

I would have thought leaping over a Leprechaun would have been more Irish-appropriate, but it doesn’t matter.  Our final movie tries to vault vampire cliches: Daybreakers (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) by supposing that if vampires really existed, they would bite everyone and take over the world, making humans into fugitive feasts.

“Daybreakers is more serious, from its A-list cast to its political commentary, with blood as a metaphor for oil. Like the best genre films, it has something on its mind.” Charlotte Observer Lawrence Toppman

Since that quote is missing context, I will assume that this movie is more serious than a heart attack; or at least a heart attack brought on by the stress of a vampire eating you.

“The pacing misses a few beats and the satire never pops, but “Daybreakers” comes as a welcome retort to the vampire bubblegum genre that horror fans have had to tolerate.” Cole Smithey Daily Radar

Vampire bubblegum?  If there was one cause all vampires would support, it should be promoting healthy teeth.  You’d think a vampire society would outlaw vampire bubblegum until someone invents Nosferatu Nutrasweet.

Cavities? She said her love was sugar-free!

“The script doesn’t wring many surprises or much character involvement from the premise, and the brothers’ helming, while slick, is short on scares, action setpieces and humor.” Variety Dennis Harvey

That’s okay, the Twilight movies don’t have any of those things either and they’ve made over half-a-billion-bucks.

“Daybreakers, despite the star presence of Ethan Hawke and Willem Dafoe, is a B movie, with all the disreputable low rent, lowbrow pleasures that implies. I’ll take that over pompous any day.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Why do unchallenging action movies earn B’s while pompous flicks tend to get higher grades?  Never mind, that’s probably not a question that gets answered during Oscar season.

“In the end, Daybreakers doesn’t really want to make anyone think too hard. If that were to happen, they might stop to wonder why all the human survivors out there hiding in fear of their lives don’t just become garlic farmers and call it a day.” Washington Post Michael O’Sullivan

PDJ would rather be a stake-oil salesmen

 

The weekend that Hollywood forgot

For the last few weeks the multiplexes have been bursting with the money-makers and the award-coveters that normally populate the holidays, however the release schedule for first official weekend of the new decade is emptier than the space beneath people’s Christmas trees.  Sure, there are a pair of historical dramas available in art houses, but other than that, your film choices are the same as last year. It’s leftovers and football to kick off the decade.

First up, a black and white film about a village in Germany caught up in the turmoil surrounding World War uppercase I: The White Ribbon (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Haneke’s latest is essentially an inquiry into the roots of a certain kind of evil.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Keith Phipps

Are we talking about hangovers?

“The White Ribbon is one of the finest films that ever repelled me, a holiday in the abyss.” New York Post Kyle Smith

I holidayed in the abyss as well, but my trip wasn't repulsive.

“Chill to the core, Haneke presents human cruelty not to make us empathize with the victims or understand the oppressors but to rub our noses in the crimes of our species. He thinks he’s held on to the subversive ideals of punk, but all I smell is skunk.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

If the movie desires to rub our noses in the worst crimes of our species, I’m glad they stink.   However, I’m not sure I could tell difference between skunk and an unshowered punk band.

“This haunting film never pushes itself on you. It trusts you to suss out the horror that lies beneath the veneer of innocence. You’ll be knocked for a loop…Don’t let anyone tell you too much about this spellbinder from Austrian writer-director Michael Haneke.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

While I’m tempted to end there, it’s unlikely that I’ll ever see this movie so I can’t help but peek behind the spoiler curtain.  What’s the end result?

“The message of this disturbing, nihilistic film is that we’re all Nazis at heart.” Toby Young Times [UK]

And suddenly I need another beer.  Hopefully our second historical film isn’t quite as bleak: Loss of a Teardrop Diamond (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Based on a previously unproduced screenplay from Tennessee Williams, the film follows a Southern heiress in 1920’s Memphis as she struggles with dating in high society and, if the title is to be trusted, jewel thieves.

“The story is a sketchy, dramatically muddled rumination on familiar Williams themes about the Old South and its brave, beautiful, rebellion women always on the brink of love, suicide or madness.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

I take it back, it sounds like Tennessee’s women need a beer even more.

“With an ending as lovely as her attractive leads, Loss of a Teardrop Diamond is a Golden Age Hollywood-inspired nostalgia trip, but one worth taking.” Steve Ramos Boxoffice Magazine

I can think of plenty of movies where I wish the ending were as attractive as the leads.

Exhibit A

“It’s not just that director Jodie Markell is no Kazan (though really, who is?) or that the dreary, dully handsome Chris Evans — even playing a blank-slate beau hunk seems beyond his capabilities — is the anti-Dean.” David Fear Time Out New York

Is there anything more anti-Dean than this?

“If Markell’s instincts for script exhumation are questionable, she’s the victim of even worse timing: Who thought releasing her film 10 days after Liv Ullmann and Cate Blanchett’s praised-to-the-high-heavens “A Streetcar Named Desire” closed was a good idea?” Village Voice Melissa Anderson

Probably someone who doesn’t live in the big apple.  Seriously, do some New York reviewers know there is a world outside Manhattan?

“A Southern melodrama from an unproduced screenplay by Tennessee Williams that should have stayed unproduced.” Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat Spirituality and Practice

PDJ should have left a few of last night's beer undrunk.

 

Sherlock Holmes is an Imaginary Chipmunk…It’s Complicated.

Merry Christmas everyone!  Hollywood’s presents to you include an action/adventure update of a literary icon, a romantic comedy for the over-the-hill crowd, an unneeded sequel to an 80’s cartoon, and the film equivalent of a visual acid trip.  Thanks Movie Santa, but there are a few lumps of coal in here with the sugar plums and stockings.  We begin with a stylized update of history’s most notorious detective: Sherlock Holmes (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s original story gave audiences a hero that would take heroin and speed to help his mind work faster, so it’s somewhat appropriate that Hollywood’s favorite recovering addict, Robert Downey Jr, dons the pipe for this update.  Since the (re)creators were working with source material that is so ingrained in our culture, critics shouldn’t be able to avoid using Holmesisms to discuss the film.  Observe.

“A handsome, entertaining romp of a film that they really should have called Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Pipes.” Allan Hunter Daily Express

“The script here is a pretext for fatuous action pyrotechnics, misfiring comedy, the inevitable star from Central Crumpet Casting and CG jiggery-pokery evoking Ye Olde London. In short: Doc, Sh’lock and Every Scraped Barrel.”  Nigel Andrews Financial Times

I said Holmesisms not Guy Ritchieisms.

“”Sherlock Holmes” may feel a little too modern, more adrenaline than brain-power, more brash than British, but it’s an all right action-pleasure if you don’t mind that the game’s more a-fist than afoot.” James Rocchi MSN Movies

That’s better.  At least the game is not a-headbutt or a-knee-to-the-groin.

“This is the ultimate sin of the film, generically helmed by lad-auteur Guy Ritchie: Logic seems to be thrown out the window in order to make room for clashes on a partially completed Tower Bridge. It’s way too elementary.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

And what about dear Watson?

“Challenged by Downey’s energy, Jude Law, who often seems aimless in his movies, comes fully up to speed. He’s virile and quick-witted, and his Watson, if not Holmes’s equal in brainpower, comes close to him in daring. Their repartee evokes the banter of lovers in a screwball comedy; they flirt outrageously but chastely.” The New Yorker David Denby

When playing Holmes at home, kids only have chaste options.

“Something tells me the only good deduction likely to come from this Sherlock Holmes is a tax deduction for Warner Bros.” Mark Ramsey MovieJuice!

There is no mystery to the money-making in this case.  However, sorting through all the reviews, I’ve been able to deduce that the film is a pleasing diversion with action replacing mystery, but enough charm to scoot people out of the theaters with a smile.  I wish the same could be said for Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel (Rotten Tomatoes - Metacritic).

The original was dizzyingly successful even though it didn’t do much other than squeak out hit songs while occasionally dipping into potty humor for the kids.  And, sadly, sequels are usually more of the same.

“With an unengaging plot, flat jokes and shameless product placement, Alvin is a late contender for worst film of the year.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

Did it just squeak into the running?  Sorry, I’ll leave the lame puns to the critics.

Remember the good old days when the Chipmunks weren't co-opting black culture?

“The Squeakquel is painfully high-pitched. It reaches frequencies that could make bats plummet from the sky, clutching at their little ears in agony. It’s as if a mosquito equipped with a power tool is attempting to drill its way through your eardrum.” Wendy Ide Times [UK]

Uh-oh, someone weaponized the Chipmunks.

“The film never tries too hard to be cool, features adorable rodents in fetching knitwear, and includes helium-voiced chipmunks shaking their tushes as they cover Beyonce songs. Just great.” Sukhdev Sandhu Daily Telegraph

Did someone get a stocking full of sarcasm for Christmas?  No?  Maybe it was a bowl of low expectations.

“There are plenty of lame pop-culture references to Apocalypse Now and Taxi Driver, should any losing-the-will-to-live parents need a final push over the edge.”  Alistair Harkness Scotsman

Warning: Suicidal filmgoers should avoid this film.

“What we’re offered is a succession of lifeless scenes punctuated by pratfalls that only a handful of kids in the audience found funny. Next.” Derek Adams Time Out

Next?  Did you just call out for another squeakquel to complete the shrillogy?  While we’re realing from that horror, let’s open our minds to Terry Gilium (Brazil, Fisher King, 12 Monkeys) who worked with Heath Ledger right up until his death on The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“There are thrilling flashes of Gilliam getting back to top form here. A scrappy movie with more ideas than it can control, but one born out of a passion and determination that are wholly infectious.” Empire Olly Richards

I wouldn’t mind an imagination infection, although I don’t know what the cure would be.

“Once an exciting and daring filmmaker, Gilliam is now making movies that threaten to put their audiences to sleep. Ask your doctor if Parnassus is right for you.” Alonso Duralde IFC.com

It sounds like Parnassus might be the antidote for the Chipmunk Squeakquel.

The director/doctor

“An acidic combo of a Super Mario Bros. game on a disastrous drug trip and a bad Lady Gaga video — however, both Mario and Gaga have better premises.” Clay Cane BET.com

Even though Clay’s review is negative, I’m intrigued by the description of the film in terms of a video game, a music video, and a drug trip.

“Despite a shaky framework, the magic works. It’s a chance to see Ledger one last time in the act of doing what he loved. Take it.” Rolling Stone Peter Travers

Well said.

“Crammed with shifting CGI canvases and frenetic revues right out of Monty Python, Imaginarium is a galumphing bacchanal of illusionist clutter that’s frequently unwieldy but rarely less than deeply felt.” Fernando F. Croce Slant Magazine

A galumphing bacchanal of illusionist clutter?  It sounds complicated. Not unlike our last movie which self-identifies as such: It’s Complicated (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Since the premise is about a woman who cheats on her boyfriend with her ex-husband, the title seems fitting.

“It’s bad enough that Nancy Meyer’s latest conventional romcom is blessed with a title so bluntly unimaginative as to seem facetious; the rub is that it’s not even a truthful assessment.”Time Out New York Nick Schager

But, It’s Simple doesn’t sound very interesting.

“It’s Complicated is middle-aged porn, the specialty of Meyers, who also set ladies and interior decorators drooling over homes and gardens in 2006’s “The Holiday.”” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

May you keep up with all the Jones' joy.

Are the women meant to drool over the home decor or Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin as romantic interests?

“When a movie with such a high pedigree feels so uninspired, you have to wonder whether there’s any hope whatsoever for the romantic comedy genre.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

Maybe romantic comedies got hope for Christmas.

“There are delicious moments of dark humour about the state of being divorced, sex and the divorced woman, and of course, the etiquette of an ex wife being a mistress to her ex husband.” Andrew L. Urban Urban Cinefile

I would like to try a delicious dark humour bar.  And after our final note, I shall return to my regularly scheduled merry-making.

“Nancy Meyers’ latest confection is like a rich dessert that tastes good to start with but gradually leaves you feeling overstuffed.” Mike Goodridge Screen International

PDJ can't think of a better time of year to be overstuffed.

 

Did You Panic Nine Crazy Avatars?

Happy almost-Chrismahanukwanzakah internet traveler,

This blog is now officially one year old and has over 200 posts without a missed weekend.  In honor of this small achievement, we get to discuss a movie that’s been heralded as something bigger than a milestone, perhaps a leaguestone (league=three miles) or a parsecmark (parsec = 3.26 lightyears).  That movie is the $300 million dollar action/sci-fi/love story film from James Cameron (Aliens, Titanic, Terminator): Avatar (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  The hype on this movie has been running harder and longer than most of the world’s economies and critics, corporations, and the entire entertainment industry want to label it the beginning of a new era for movies.  However, when people have over a year to hear rumors, see previews, and taste Avatar-themed Coke Zero, many moviegoers will have potent feelings about a movie they haven’t seen, and the critics are no different.  Prepare for a Pro/Con-test!

Pro side, you’re up:

“An astonishing, breathtaking masterpiece. Cameron did it! It will easily surpass Titanic’s box office. I think Cameron created a few new colors” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Woo hoo!  New colors!  Someone had better tell Wikipedia to add them to the list.  Interior designers, rejoice!  Haters, speak!

“The corniest movie ever made about the white man’s need to lose his identity and assuage racial, political, sexual and historical guilt.” Armond White New York Press

Woo hoo!  Armond left out religious guilt!  Heathens, rejoice!  Supporters, declare love!

“Not since Dorothy’s Kansas farmhouse landed in Oz – 70 years ago – and the screen transformed from black-and-white to color – has there been such a magical, revelatory moment as the emergence of the planet Pandora in IMAX 3-D.” Susan Granger SSG Syndicate

Oz revolutionized film by going from black-and-white to color, and Avatar goes from color to new color?  Did I get that right?

“For all of the talk about how Avatar is going to revolutionize moviemaking and change films forever, the finished product is nothing more than just another movie with lots of stuff going boom.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

People would be upset if they didn’t get any boom for their buck and it’s a Cameron movie which means there need to be themes of love (familial or romantic), technological dependence, and boom.

“Embrace the movie — surely the most vivid and persuasive creation of a fantasy world ever seen in the history of moving pictures — as a total sensory, sensuous, sensual experience.” Time Richard Corliss

Does the sensuous embracing only happen in 3D?

“If I wanted to hear endless nonsense spewed from something good-looking, I’d watch The Tyra Banks Show.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Thank goodness Tyra is completely one-dimensional.

“Game-changing – yes. Spectacular – absolutely. Occasional dodgy dialogue and dramatic imperfections – of course. But still – wait for it… – a titanic achievement.” Andy Lowe Total Film

If you need proof of Cameron’s impact on culture, remember that the Titanic used to be synonymous with impending  failure rather than record breaking success. And speaking of impending failure.

In Did You Hear About The Morgans? (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) two actors try to pull out of a career tailspin by going back to well dug by Green Acres (Urban idiots escape trouble in rural rejuvination).  See also, For Richer or Poorer, Son In Law, or the reverse approach, Crocodile Dundee.  So, like Avatar, I think I’ve already seen this movie from watching the preview, did I miss anything?

“If you are expecting a pleasant evening of escapism, you will be cruelly fooled. The editor responsible for the trailer is clearly a genius.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

The film’s promotional materials would probably shorten that review to just “genius.”

“When the material gets really bad, as it does in the dismal Did You Hear About The Morgans?, Grant’s pinched facial expressions become an inadvertent commentary on the movie he’s making, as if he plainly realizes that his one-liners are tanking.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Scott Tobias

Are people still laughing about this?

“It’s not just the sound of crickets you hear watching this movie. It’s the sound of dead crickets.” Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

While watching this movie I will hear the sounds of dead crickets?  Spooky, but not panic-worthy.  And that is the clumsy segue into:

Our oddest film this week features three plastic toys (Cowboy, Indian, and Horse) having stop-motion adventures in A Town Called Panic (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“This little gem is best saved for those — both young and old — who prefer to find surprises under the tree.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

I like finding surprises under trees.  But only good surprises, not old beer cans or poo.

“A Town Called Panic is an adventure story as fast-paced and exciting as any currently in theaters.” The New York Times Mike Hale

So why isn’t this movie in blow-my-mind/fry-my-eyeballs IMAX 3D?

“If you want more crass parody, and more creative use of action figures, check out Robot Chicken.” Christopher Null Filmcritic.com

Ha, I love that show.

“There’s really very little to say about this film beyond that it’s absolutely brilliant.” The Hollywood Reporter Peter Brunette

Okay then, moving on to the first of our two musically inclined features: Nine (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

You might be scratching your head if you’ve never heard of Nine.  After all, it has lots of Oscar-worthy elements (including Daniel Day-Lewis, Marion Cotillard, and Rob Marshall who directed Chicago).  But, it also is a musical remake of Italian Auteur Federico Fellini’s semi-autobiographical film 8 1/2 about past relationships and writer’s block.   Does this story not translate well into music?

“If a Broadway musical loosely based on Federico Fellini’s 1963 deconstructionist masterpiece “8 1/2″ sounds like a recipe for disaster, it is.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

If it sounded like Cole Smithy asked a question and then answered it for you, it was.

“Nine represents the kind of colossal misfire that killed the movie musical back in the late ’60s; here’s hoping the genre can survive it.” Alonso Duralde IFC.com

Not only does this week redefine cinema (w/Avatar), but Nine might kill an entire film genre?

“Nine thrashes about in search of “cinema” the way a child thrown into the deep end of a pool flails for a flotation device.” Scott Foundas Village Voice

And now it’s drowning?  What are the yay-sayers saying?

“Director Rob Marshall has come up with something close to an ideal modern screen musical. It is every inch a toe-tapping, show- stopping tour de force that has a big chance of snagging some gold come awards season.”  Robbie Collin News of the World

And speaking of little gold idols, there are plenty of critics saying that Jeff Bridges might finally earn one for Crazy Heart (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

If the tagline is true, I have new pity for musicians.  Does Bridges deserve an Oscar for being hard and sweet?

“A compact, economical treat: full of flavor and feeling, wrapped in an unprepossessing package that contains far more than you’d ever imagine.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Suddenly, I wonder if we’re talking about candy.

“Ever-youthful in his looks and energy, Bridges now stands as one of Hollywood’s great old pros, incapable of making a false move.” Variety Todd McCarthy

That must be nice.

“Crazy Heart is quiet, gentle, heart-bruised more than heart-broken, and it lingers in the memory after you’ve seen it, like a song you can’t get out of your head.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

That song-stuck-in-head phenomena is called earworm, even though the word reminds me of Star Trek’s mind-controlling ear crustaceans.

“Crazy Heart gets to you like a good country song–not because it tells you something new, but because it tells it well. It’s the singer, not the song.” Newsweek David Ansen

The blogger, not the blog says it’s time to finish this roundup and get on with the merry-making.

PDJ abides

 

Interview: Nathan Taylor, illustrator of The Princess and Mr. Whiffle: the Thing Beneath the Bed

Welcome internet traveler.  This interview was conducted online with the intent of giving future readers of The Princess and Mr. Whiffle: the Thing Beneath the Bed an insight into the mind of an artist.  In this case, the artist is Illustrator of the Future award winner Nathan Taylor.  First off Nate, I know you are a gamer.  So, this interview follows gamer progression and gets harder as you go along.  Are you ready to play?

Bring it on.

Tutorial question: What first made you want to be an artist?

You might laugh, but I don’t have any memories before wanting to be an artist.  I never wanted to be an astronaut or a fireman or anything else…well, maybe a Jedi, but I never had a dream other than art.  I think being an artist is as much a part of me as having brown eyes.  That’s the romantic answer, the one I believe is true.  But, for the child psychologists out there, another answer could be that I was good at drawing as a child, my parents encouraged me, so I kept at it.  Every child wants approval after all.

First level: Much of your art style harkens back to the Disney 2D animation that you grew up with.  How much of an influence would you say Disney played in your art?

HUGE influence.  Disney was one of the few cartoons my siblings and I were permitted to watch around the house, and I absolutely adored the fluid animation and the style of rendering that made their characters look so cartoony, but also real enough to believe.  You can definitely still see the influence.  They weren’t my only source of inspiration though.  I also soaked up Sunday funnies like Tumbleweeds, Garfield, and Herman; and I had a brief period where everything took on a Precious Moments style.  I tended toward those styles because they were safe and I could get away with them.

Ninja eleves sound scary, but Nate makes them look cuddlely.

Second level: As a follow up, which artists are blowing your mind all over your draft board these days?

Travis Charest remains one of my all-time favorites, Chris Sanders of “Lilo and Stitch” fame, Chen Wei (Lorland) who does brilliant digital work, Adam Hughes and his beautiful style that I aspire to, Frank Frazetta with his dynamic color and compositions, and Mike Mignola for his style that seems so rough and fluid at the same time.

Mid-Boss question: The Detroit Silverdome was recently sold to a Canadaian company for about 1% of what it cost to build it (586k vs 55 million).  If you could buy it for 1% of what the Kanucks paid, what would you do with it?  (FYI – it seats 80,000)

Biggest paintball arena ever.  I would go completely bread-and-circuses and hold massive championship-level engagements between several groups of players at the same time, and sell tickets.  For safety, the first 50 rows would be labeled as Splash Zones.  I’d have to have naval battles as well.

Sneak peak of Nose Dive, A Nate Taylor original

Boss fight: Artists are sometimes a medium for what they are consuming (ie, if you read westerns, your art would have a western flavor).  If art is a mirror that reflects society, what kinds of things would you expect people to see in your work?

Wow, that’s deep enough to require floaty wings, but I’ll bite.  The number one thing that people can always expect to get from me at this point is a feeling of frivolity or whimsy.  I’m not a really a dark illustrator with an orchestra of inner demons, so I can’t imitate Brom; I don’t have an animalistic core of unchained wildness so I can’t do Frazetta (not for lack of trying); so I just do what I am, which is light colors and cartoony figures.  Then again, maybe that’s just a front for my boiling cauldron of inner turmoil which threatens to burst through at any moment.  If that’s the case, then I’m an unpredictable juggernaut, a time bomb of loose wires and artistic Semtex.  Beware?

Plot Twist Question: Most artists experiment with multiple forms of art (sculpture, music, etc) before settling on how they best express themselves. What are some failed art forms that you have tried and discarded?

Ah, the list of forms I don’t use is long and distinguished.  I’ve found that disciples of one medium or another tend to be very protective of their camp and enthusiastic in their evangelism, so let me say that my distaste for these mediums only means that I’m no good with them.  I don’t like watercolor because it’s too fluid and uncontrollable.  I like something that will stay where I put it and acrylic has proven itself more suited to my style.  Oil paint is also something that’s no good for me.  Sure, it’s the tried-and-true medium of the masters, but in my hands it becomes only so much goop.  Also, I’m an impatient little boy and I don’t want to wait three years for my painting to dry so I can work on another layer.  Drawing with charcoal makes my teeth itch, sculpture is fun and delightful but it requires a serious devotion of time and resources to make any good kind of effort out of it, and mixed media is right out because I’m far more interested in creating an image than I am in figuring out an altogether new way of creating an image.

Experimentation never looked so colorful

Big finale: For this book, you collaborated with Patrick Rothfuss.   Since this is a collaboration, people may want to know, how much of the art is Rothfuss’s vision and how much was yours?  Did you play a part in the storytelling at all?

In the early stages when we were still creating the style of the book, I used the Princess as a touchstone.  If I could find a version of her that Pat liked, then the rest would flow from that.  So it was basically a game of back-and-forth.  I’d do a sketch or three of the Princess and ask what he thought of them until we settled on a look.  After that, I would sketch up several pages at a time, send them to him, and he would either say, “Yes!  Beautiful!  Perfect!” or a combination of those words along with a suggestion of adding or removing elements to bring more life to the story.  As for the storytelling, it’s all just visual from my end.  All the words are his, and that’s why it works so well.

Epilogue: What’s next for you?

Six months ago, I would have had no idea, but I’ve got a large body of work all of a sudden.  Apart from Coming Distractions, I have a graphic novel about ghosts, a web comic about an interstellar hero, and a children’s book about an Alaskan cat all in the pipeline.  The next several months are going to be very busy for me.