Blind Lieutenant Moons 51

I wish I could deliver on the promise of that headline, but none of this week’s opening movies go anywhere near that level of lunacy.   Instead we get lovesick vampires, alien astronauts, inspiring athletes, and Nick Cage.  Now that I think about it, if anyone is going to deliver some over-the-top ridiculousness it would be Cage playing a half-corrupt, half-addict cop in Werner Herzog’s Bad Lieutenant: Port Of Call New Orleans (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  So, does Cage bring the crazy?

“Cage dives headlong into the madness. It’s plain fun to see the actor give himself so fully to a character after several years of mostly forgettable action movies” Jake Coyle Associated Press

Good news.  It’s a shame that this movie has the aroma of being a forgettable action flick.

“No one is better at this kind of performance than Nicolas Cage. He’s a fearless actor. He doesn’t care if you think he goes over the top. If a film calls for it, he will crawl to the top hand over hand with bleeding fingernails.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

“If there’s a sure thing in movies, it’s that if you cast Nicolas Cage in a role in which he goes crazy, he’ll rise to the occasion and keep on rising until he seems even loonier than his character.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

I sincerely hope that one day, Nicolas Cage is honored with a William T Shatner Over-The-Top Award for Over-Acting.  I also hope they read Ebert’s ‘bleeding fingernails’ quote at the ceremony.

“The film is offbeat, silly, disarming and loopy all at the same time, and viewers will decide to ride with that or just give up on it, according to mood and disposition.” Variety Todd McCarthy

Ladies and Gentlemen, presenting the Mood Movie!  It’s only as good as you feel when you watch it. Please, drink responsibly (before, during, and after the show).

“Those expecting a return to the depravity and menace of Abel Ferrara’s 1992 notorious original will be disappointed.” Premiere Mark Salisbury

The notorious original

When people look back at the original and fondly remember depravity and menace, well, maybe we just shouldn’t look back.  And speaking of sequels, tween girls have already united to make Twilight Saga: New Moon (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) the biggest pre-sold movie ticket of all time (at least until the next one comes out).  I saw the first one and was somewhat underwelmed, is it too much to hope that I will be welmed by the sequel?

“This is a film for the fans. Fans of the books. Fans of the first film. If you enjoyed that, you’ll enjoy this. If you didn’t, you have no chance here. It’s a New Moon, not a new dawn.” Giles Hardie smh.com.au

Fair enough.  I’ve seen the preview and know that the sequel offers ab-tastic Jacob and pale-tacular Edward moping and scowling over a girl who’s most memorable trait is her strictly supernatural dating pool. What am I missing?

“The Twilight Saga: New Moon plays like a 130 minute trailer for a movie called The Twilight Saga: New Moon.” Drew McWeeny HitFix

So, if I watch the preview on a loop for two hours, I’ll have little reason to take a trip to a theater crowded with excitable teenage girls.  Got it.

“Considering Lautner’s acting improved so much sans shirt, I wonder if there might have been Oscar buzz had he taken off his pants.” Garth Franklin Dark Horizons

“Never has a man’s shirtlessness been so essential to a character’s development.” Jordan Hoffman UGO

Okay, Jacob is a feral dreamboat to Edward’s undead mojo, but if I don’t like staring at good looking guys, what does this experience have to offer?

“Watching Twilight Saga: New Moon is a bit like having your own real-life sulky teenager living under your roof …” James O’Ehley Sci-Fi Movie Page

Strangely enough, the next movie is the real-life story of a under-privledged teenage athlete living under Sandra Bullock’s roof in The Blind Side (Rotten Tomatoes - Metacritic).

“Grounded in the direct, disarming truth of their experience, the movie has a straightforward lack of cheap sentiment that saves it from being either too maudlin or saccharine-sweet.” Washington Post Ann Hornaday

“Uplifting and entertaining feel-good, fact-based sports drama.” Variety Joe Leydon

Fact-based truth book

I would imagine that truth is easier to attain when working with a true story. But it’s still a movie, which means that truth might take a backseat to entertainment.

“Blind Side the movie peddles the most insidious kind of racism, one in which whiteys are virtuous saviors, coming to the rescue of African-Americans who become superfluous in narratives that are supposed to be about them.”  Village Voice Melissa Anderson

“Its m.o. isn’t understanding or identification, just white self-congratulation.” Mark Palermo Coast (Halifax, Nova Scotia)

Wow.  Are there any opponents of that viewpoint?

“Some will doubtlessly dismiss The Blind Side as another example of a heroic white person saving a black victim but, although there is an element of truth in that perfunctory description, it misses the point.” James Berardinelli ReelViews

“Ultimately, race has nothing to do with the truth of the emotions this film elicits from an audience. It’s a solid movie, whether you’re color blind or not.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

I don’t believe you can erase race in this discussion, but the movie isn’t always about the message either.  If it was, our final movie, Planet 51 (Rotten Tomatoes - Metacritic), would be desperate for a point.

“This movie, which was made by an animation studio in Spain, isn’t trying to make a social statement; it speaks in the international language of lightweight comedy.”  St. Louis Post-Dispatch Joe Williams

Hey, I speak that language too.  I also speak profanity, slang, and bad English.

“Like “E.T.” in reverse, this pleasantly mediocre CG animation tale lands an astronaut on a distant planet.” Village Voice Brian Miller

If you can review and summarize a movie in one sentence, does that mean its shallow?

“Largely, it’s a jellybean of a movie: bright, colorful, sugary, and with no real content.” Tasha Robinson AV Club

So, it’s a lightweight mediocre jellybean.  Sounds like fine family entertainment.

“Do anal probe gags sound like fine family entertainment? How about multiple scenes depicting ugly gay panic? Not to worry; a penis joke referring to a male member as an ‘antenna’ is right around the corner.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

You know, that doesn’t sound like good family fare, but butt-jokes are the core of too many family movies.  They’ve got to appeal to someone, right?

“A poorly conceived comedy spotlighting a collection of anal-centric humor that’s about as appealing as baseball bat to the face.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

I hope the fumble-fingered batter signed that guy's jaw cast

PDJ stared at that bat-to-face picture for about 5 minutes straight

 

In 2012, Mr. Fantastic Pirates Fox Radio

Disasters, daredevil DJs, and dashing dingoes dominate this weekend.  We are emerging from the fall season movie slump and entering the holiday movie upswing.  It happens every year, but it’s no less welcome just because it’s expected.  While two of this week’s openers shouldn’t be treated as early Christmas presents, at least one of them involves blowing up the world: 2012 (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

As with the Y2Krazies, the internet is proving itself to be an invaluable resource in spreading panic. To counter the hysteria, NASA opened up a FAQ page to tell people that there’s no reason to fear the Mayan calendar’s prediction of apocalypse.  Now that you’re assured the theater will still be standing if you decide to go see the movie, let’s hear about whether it’s worth watching.

“Emmerich supposedly spent $260m to give you the biggest experience for your ticket dollar and in this regard, he has succeeded tremendously, while, intentionally or otherwise, also delivering one of 2009’s best comedies.” Michael Adams Empire Magazine Australasia

Those must be some expensive jokes.  Example please?

“Where else are you going to get a chance to see the aircraft carrier USS John F. Kennedy drift down the side of a mile-high tsunami and take out the White House? Big. Dumb. Fun.” Austin Chronicle Marc Savlov

Knock knock

Who’s there?

The USS John F. Kennedy.

USS John F. Kennedy who-ly crap-ton of water!

“It’s cinematic waterboarding and there was more than one occasion during the film when I was convinced it was never going to end.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

On one hand it’s never-ending torture.  On the other, it’s a lot of movie bang for your buck.

“This film that imagines the end of the world not as a whimper but as an implosion is a preposterously diverting, instantly forgettable, big-screen video game.” Philadelphia Inquirer Carrie Rickey

“The result is a state-of-the-art multiplex three-ring circus whose special effects stagger the senses and play like a video game, whose human drama aims for the cosmic and lands waist-deep in the Big Silly.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

The comparison between disaster movies and video games is disturbingly common.  Are there any video game scholars reading this who’d like to question that association?  Or is it understandable given that nearly every AAA (ie top tier) game includes exploding: people, grenades, buildings, and whatever else is around?

Does he expect to see falling asteroids or money?

“As always in Emmerich’s rollicking Armageddons, the cannon speaks with an expensive bang, while the fodder gets afforded nary a whimper. Of course, that’s just part of disaster’s simple recipe: Blow us up, then blow us off.” The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Rick Groen

Before any more critics blow a fuse, let’s move on to the mostly true story of a group of DJs who sailed a boat around the UK blowing kids minds with rock and roll in the 60s: Pirate Radio (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Pirate Radio is a great soundtrack in search of a movie. It never really finds one.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

Where did it look?

“Pirate Radio, the new rock-saturated comedy that proves life really is better when it’s set to a ’60s soundtrack, is, to borrow from the Stones, “a gas! gas! gas!”’ Los Angeles Times Betsy Sharkey

I can think of a lot of places where that chant wouldn’t go over well.

“Writer-director Richard Curtis is about as rock n’ roll as the average great-grandmother, so it’s no surprise that Pirate Radio, his ode to the irrepressible spirit of ’60s classic rock, has all the electricity of a knitted sweater.” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

What if I rubbed a balloon on the sweater?  Would that amp things up?

“Pirate Radio is, in the end, about as rock-revolutionary as a tea break. But the choppy production floats on a great soundtrack (the real pirates are the Rolling Stones) and is buoyed by an inviting cast.” Entertainment Weekly Lisa Schwarzbaum

Somewhere between the knitted sweater and the tea break, I got distracted and sailed onto Wes Anderson’s warm fuzzy animated caper movie, The Fantastic Mr. Fox (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Sporting old school animation, source material courtesy of Roald Dahl (Charlie and the Chocolate Factory), and the best reviews of the weekend, let’s hear what we’re in for.

“A pleasantly cerebral experience, exhilarating and fizzy, that goes to your head like too much Champagne.” Los Angeles Times Kenneth Turan

A kid’s movie that will get you drunk?  How is that not part of the film promotion?

“Genuinely original: a silly, hilarious and oddly profound adaptation for adult-sized children.” Ian Nathan Empire Magazine

Adult-sized children sure, but what about children-sized adults?

“Anderson has pulled off the most elusive of goals: He’s made a nonchalant masterpiece, a movie that feels dog-eared and loved before it’s even reached our hands.” Salon.com Stephanie Zacharek

Dog-eared and lovable?

“Fantastic Mr. Fox is possibly the finest picture about family, community and poultry thievery ever made.” Stephanie Zacharek Salon.com

In the poultry thievery genre, it beat out Chicken Run, Chicken Little, and The Case of the Maltese Chicken.  So, what are the nay-sayers saying?

“Honestly, this really isn’t some kind of Transatlantic stand-off on our part. But how much longer are we expected to stand impotently by while Hollywood arrogantly Americanises our every British children’s icon? “ Ali Catterall Channel 4 Film

Despite the anger from purists, this film made a believer out of at least one Scrooge.

“Fantastic Mr. Fox renews one’s sense of animation’s possibilities.” Armond White New York Press

PDJ is an adult-sized adult

 

The Kind Men Who Box Christmas Goats

A week after Halloween, every release is about something supernatural.  We’ve got psychics, aliens, ghosts, and Cameron Diaz.  Okay, I admit – maybe aliens and psychics can be explained with science, but some things are better left in the realm of imagination. Mark Twain once said “Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because Fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities; Truth isn’t.”  Of the movies coming out this weekend, the strangest tale is supposedly based on true events: The Men Who Stare At Goats (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“An often highly amusing comedy in the vein of “Catch 22″ and “Dr Strangelove,” this lively satire looks destined for future cult status. Great soundtrack, too.” The New Yorker Anthony Lane

The Men Who Stare At Goats: Or, How I learned To Stop Shooting And Love Killing With My Brain.

“George Clooney browbeats livestock with the same crazy eyes he brought to O Brother, Where Art Thou? — but his new movie, an unfocused comedy about weird Army pseudoscience, ends up blinking before we laugh.” Joshua Rothkopf Time Out New York

“Try to browbeat me and I’ll open your head like a can of soup”

“Even if The Men Who Stare at Goats is not worth comparing to “Dr. Strangelove,” it should satisfy audiences with its great cast and patent absurdities, coated in quaint nostalgia for the happy hippie days of yore.” The Hollywood Reporter Deborah Young

A movie about psychic hippies in the military?  Do you need a better example of truth being stranger?

The book cover looks more like "The Men Who Shoot At Goats"

“Intended as a farcical antidote to big-screen bores about Afghanistan and Iraq, it’s twice as pompous and endlessly tedious.” Rex Reed New York Observer

“The Men Who Stare At Goats is a light-hearted and highly entertaining antidote to pompous large scale movies about Iraq or Aghanistan.” Mike Goodridge Screen International

They disagree about it being good and whether it’s pompous, but agree that it’s an antidote.  However, doesn’t that imply that we were poisoned by other war movies?  Personally, I blame Pauly Shore.

It’s not that ‘fake’ funny you might expect.

“A serendipitous marriage of talent in which all hearts seem to beat as one.” Derek Elley Variety

Multiple hearts beating as one sounds vaguely creepy, but no creepier than having a button that kills a random person and awards you $1 million in cash every time you press it, which is the premise of The Box (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“It may fall short of Donnie Darko’s clever storytelling, but for his third feature film, Kelly plays confidently with suspense and lays down the right hooks at the right time to keep you drawn into his creepy world.” Patrick Kolan IGN Movies AU

“Lays down the right hooks” = effective twists or punches to the face?

“Certain parts of it are maddeningly inspired. The sum of all its parts will just make you mad.” Leigh Paatsch Herald Sun (Australia)

Was it a sign of madness when Britney did it?

“Kelly’s most accessible ambiguous odyssey to date, The Box dares you to open it up again and again.” Ben McEachen Sunday Mail (Australia)

Should we expect double dares if there’s a sequel?

“The interesting thing about Richard Kelly’s films is that in none of them do you know exactly what’s happening, and it does not really matter, because there is such a wealth of imagination there. I found it very impressive.” David Stratton At the Movies (Australia)

Whenever I do this roundup early, I end up working with mostly Australian reviews, which I find fascinating.  I’ve heard that Aussie’s tend to get things like video games, tv shows, and other forms of entertainment on a separate release schedule, but an early one?  Down under is on top in this case.  Back to the subject at hand, what’s the lowdown on this high concept thriller?

“Kelly’s trademark mix of sci-fi, surrealism and suburbia occasionally entertains.” Variety Jordan Mintzer

Occasionally entertaining meeting occasionally unbelievable in the interview-based thriller about alien abduction: The Fourth Kind (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“There’s nothing in this glorified Power Point presentation that stands up to even the most cursory scrutiny.”Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Who’d want to scrutinize a Power Point presentation?

“The Fourth Kind was one of the scariest things I’ve seen in years. I’m going out to see it again, which tells you how much I care whether or not it’s a hoax…I enjoyed every thrilling minute of it.” Jenna Busch Huffington Post

Perhaps Mrs. Busch loves Power Point, or she drank a lot of beer before watching.

“A couple of modestly effective shocks lie in store, but none as frightening as the onscreen text informing us that some 11 million people claim to have seen a UFO.” Scott Foundas Village Voice

During the UFO hysteria of the 1950's a woman claimed to have seen one. When asked how she knew it was an alien spacecraft she said "The ship had UFO written on the side of it."

“If your mind is in the right place, THE FOURTH KIND is a chilling, creepy, unnerving and engaging experience. But I stress the idea that most of you probably will not like this…Buyer beware.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

I probably won’t like it, but if my mind is in the right place, I might.  What kind of mindset do I need to be in?

“Alien abductees are back and they are still idiots.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Got it.  Our last movie is Robert Zemeckis’s third all-CGI movie (after Polar Express and Beowulf), only this time it adapts Dickens: A Christmas Carol (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  I’ve always been curious about how Scrooge became such an enduring Christmas character since we associate him with dissing the x-mas and being an all-around Bah Humbug-er.  It’s like if Nazi sympathizer became a sign of Hanukkah because someone wrote a story about him changing his mind about Judaism.

“A Christmas Carol is, in its essence, a product reel, a showy, exuberant demonstration of the glories of motion capture, computer animation and 3D technology. On that level, it’s a wow. On any emotional level, it’s as cold as Marley’s Ghost.” Kirk Honeycutt Hollywood Reporter

It’s sounds oddly appropriate that a computer animated film would struggle with emotion.  How many computer programs connect with people on a personal level?

“This new Christmas Carol starring Jim Carrey will scare the bejesus out of small children!” James O’Ehley fantastiqueZINE

“Conceptually brilliant with mind-blowing special effects, but who is the intended audience of this visual extravaganza? Certainly not children: the content is far too dark with haunting imagery that could provoke nightmares for impressionable youngsters.” Louise Keller Urban Cinefile

That’s okay, kids don’t need to learn the spirit of Christmas.  They’re already the biggest supporters of the holiday.  Adults are the ones who need to be reminded to give and appreciate their fellow man/woman.

“By the time it’s over, you’ll have to be a real Scrooge yourself to not have at least a little bit of the Christmas spirit instilled into you.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

PDJ wonders if it's ever too early for that.

 

Holiday Art and Freelancing Fun

And I’m finally back.  I hope many of you who haven’t given up on our comic strip updates will head over to Coming Distractions for a chuckle (if you haven’t already).  Those things are supposed to be done once a week, but I’ve been shirking that responsibility lately.  Why would I do such a thing?

Well, the reason is purely selfish.  Back in September, I discovered a book called The Artist’s and Graphic Designer’s Market (also a website here).  This 576-page tome is the single greatest resource I have found for fledgling freelancers frolicking in fabulous fanfare.  Sorry, got carried away with the alliteration.  A series of articles practically gives a step-by-step guide for approaching potential clients, and a list of magazines, galleries, and book publishers provides all the information to help you decide who to approach.

So I’ve spent the last month creating new artworks, polishing my portfolio, and making promotional materials to send out to publishers.  It’ll be a freelance launch of sorts.  Most of the new stuff I’ve made has been Christmas-themed since that’s the next major holiday that magazines are working on now.  Yes, I know Thanksgiving is yet to come, but most publishers work a month ahead of things.  To complete these new art pieces, I have fully-immersed myself in the Christmas season for inspiration.  That meant music, movies, peppermint candy, and peppermint mochas when I could afford them.  Becky’s starting to get angry with me for idly humming “Jingle Bells.”

Some of you might think I’ll be burned out and unable to enjoy myself by the time Christmas actually arrives.  I tell you now that is not possible.  Christmas and I are like peanut butter and chocolate, chips and chili, Spielberg and Williams; we will never tire of each other.  Steve Martin once said that if he were in charge, December would just be a 31-day-long orgasm.  I couldn’t agree more.  It almost is with the rampant consumerism nowadays, but that’s not what I’m talking about.  Seeing Christmas decorations of sale two weeks before Halloween doesn’t even scuff my holiday spirit.  It just makes me loathe commercialism.

No, when the Christmas season is truly upon us, I will be as jubilant as ever, chugging eggnog, gobbling down fudge, and preaching the good word of a pure and light-hearted holiday to the disillusioned masses.   This is because  I have discovered in my increasing age that I am an eternal child at heart, and am incapable of giving up on my favorite season.  In fact, I’m working on a way to scientifically prove the existence of Santa Claus.

Until that time, you can find me in a home festively decorated in autumn colors, prepping for glorious Thanksgiving revelry.  Each holiday deserves its due afterall.

Oh, and new art can be found on my portfolio page here, for those who are curious.

 

This is Saint Jackson’s Day

I can’t tell if it’s creepy, appropriate, or coincidental that the major Halloween release this weekend is Michael Jackson’s This Is It (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Does the premiere date make this concert rehearsal documentary into a ghost story?  Or is it worse to see it as a morbid cash-in on the King Of Pop’s recent demise?  In the legacy of MJ, those questions won’t even register as a footnote.  This iconic performer has been everything from a dancing zombie to a Disneyland ride.  He invented the moonwalk and made the crotch grab into a dance move.  He is arguably the greatest child-star success of this era.  Amid all the accolades of his music and his talent there was also an elusive, bizarre, and troubled celebrity. The one area of critic consensus is that this film is focused on the former instead of the latter. This is a film about Michael the performer and the comeback performance he had planned.  Whether you view it as a tribute or a tribulation, if you’re curious about what a massive retrospective MJ concert would have looked like, (insert title here).

“This may be as close as we’ll ever get to knowing the strange boy-man who was one of the greatest entertainers — onstage, on record and on video — of the 20th century. He comes across as ageless and timeless, just like the songs he sings.” Jon Bream Minneapolis Star Tribune

Is it insulting to call young Michael ageless?

“What this strange yet strangely beguiling film does is capture one of pop culture’s great entertainers in the feverish grips of pure creativity.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

Fever Grip!

“One of the best documents of live performance that I’ve ever seen, a rehearsal diary that’s more intimate and immediate than a traditional concert film.” Slate Dana Stevens

I feel bad making jokes about this movie.  The reviewers that speak with reverence want to celebrate the man and what could have been, but some people saw a hastily-constructed documentary rather than a MJ tribute.

“While this memorial to Jackson’s talents will satisfy some, if you’re looking for insight or understanding about Jackson’s life and ethos, this ‘documentary’ is not for you.” Jennifer Merin About.com

“At best, it angrily demands to be rechristened This Is It! Too often, however, an incredulous This Is It? seems more apt.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Nathan Rabin

The picture is the answer. The quesion is: What do George Lucas, Jim Henson, Walt Disney, and MJ all have in common?

And then there are the haters.

“Strictly pressed factory floor sweepings, packaged and sold with questionable intent to a public aching for closure…takes Jackson’s musical legacy and squeezes it for every last remaining nickel.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

“There are two ways to look at Michael Jackson’s big screen B-roll dirge: Either it’s a touching documentary tribute or only slightly classier than stringing up Jacko’s corpse by its wig and making him perform a post-mortem marionette moonwalk.” Mike Ward Richmond.com

And the award for most cringe-inducing review goes to…that guy.  Or maybe he was trying to insert some Halloween horror into his review, either way this movie is about a man and his music.  If you’re a fan of one or both of those things, I hope it’s not too cold standing in line.

This is the preferred connection between MJ and Halloween

“Fan or not, in This Is It, you don’t see death, just life. There is no sadness or tears; you walk out with a smile. Forget the controversies, this is truly who Michael Jackson was – his music. It’s a film that you don’t want to end.” Clay Cane BET.com

And if MJ doesn’t fit your movie tastes on Devil’s Night, how about vigilante justice?  That’s what you get from the sequel to an indie-cult hit about two brothers who like to look cool shooting people for God, Boondock Saints 2: All Saint’s Day (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“The result isn’t art but it is an improvement: a scurrilous, lowdown, sub-Tarantino action comedy that, unlike the original, doesn’t make you want to claw your eyes out. How’s that for praise?” Boston Globe Ty Burr

Well, that’s one of the more positive reviews.  So that’s pretty good I guess.  Sort of.  Maybe.

“You’d think Troy Duffy would have learned something in the decade since he blew his golden ticket with The Boondock Saints. “ Brett Michel Boston Phoenix

Wait, what did he do to his golden ticket?

“Duffy orchestrates the resulting carnage like an inebriate spinning fourth-rate Peckinpah tales.” Keith Uhlich Time Out New York

So, it’s like a drunk copy of someone else’s carnage?  I’m starting to think the real scares in this roundup are in the reviews for this movie.

“Cloaking vigilante justice (not to mention casual racism and homophobia) in religion eventually turns Boondock Saints from merely a bad movie to a distasteful one.” Jake Coyle Associated Press

“John Woo outgrew stylizing movies like this in the ’90s, but Duffy is still chasing his perfect slide-and-shoot, except now with more self-satisfied posturing, awkward pop-culture referencing, casual homophobia and racism, and the most vulgar co-opting of religious iconography this side of Dan Brown.” Village Voice Aaron Hillis

The Boondock brothers could have learned something from a real smooth criminal

“You wouldn’t call The Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day a taut thriller. More like a fleshy, messy, jangled frenzy of shootouts and much discussion about the mechanics of romantic entanglements that bloom between prison inmates.” New York Post Kyle Smith

PDJ hopes your Halloween is filled with more treats than tricks and doesn't involve romantic entanglements between prison inmates

 

Amelia’s Boy Assistant Saw An Astro Vampire

This week’s releases raise several questions about modern Hollywood decision-making.  And these questions, if they can be answered, might lead to unsatisfying realizations. For example: Does putting the word “vampire” in the title of a tween movie guarantee success?  Why name a movie about history’s most famous female aviator ‘Amelia’ rather than ‘Airheart’?  Does an updated animated character from 1950’s Japan count as nostalgic for American audiences?  And why the hell are people still making Saw movies?

Why are you asking me? I'm the decider not the questioner?

Keeping with the theme of questioning, this roundup is all about not knowing and the joys that come from worrying about the Q rather than the A.  Our first movie is not named Airheart because it would be spelled Earhart, which sounds like a physical deformity.  So perhaps the namers of Amelia (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) knew what they were doing after all.

“To say that Amelia never gets off the ground would be an understatement; it barely makes it out of the hangar.” Justin Chang Variety

So this bio pic is taxiing down the runway?  Or is it still fueling?  The metaphor got lost somewhere between the high ceiling garage and the tarmac.

“Top-flight portrayal of the aviator by Hilary Swank is an instant bio classic.” Ray Bennett Hollywood Reporter

The term ‘instant classic’ gives pause because it sounds like movie hype that applauds a January release as the best of the year or announcing a promising high school athlete as future hall-of-famer.  So, Does Hilary Swank deserve a premature lifetime achievement award?

“Amelia earns a pass, corny as it sometimes is. The lady earned her wings, and Swank, especially, more than does right by both the woman and the legend.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

“With any luck this biopic of Amelia Earhart will also vanish without a trace. Hilary Swank is sorely miscast as the legendary aviator.” Chicago Reader J.R. Jones

Sorely miscast actress does right by a legend, but then vanishes without a trace.  Or miscast actress vanishes while doing a legend and earns her wings.

“Considering its focus on a pioneering, rule-breaking icon, the film’s utter lack of personality isn’t just a failure. It’s close to an insult.”  The Onion (A.V. Club) Sam Adams

So, Amelia is a top-flight biography that never gets off the ground despite earning Swank her wings and insulting the audience?  Let’s avoid more aviation-themed comments and take-off with Astro Boy (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Corny but goodhearted, the film tries hard not to annoy parents, with animation more fizzy than frantic and nerdy references.” LA Weekly Aaron Hillis

Wow, our first two movies were described as ‘corny’ and we haven’t yet discussed the tween Twilight comedy or the torturefest franchise that you now need two hands to count.  I fear for the future.

“Like a pig-iron fisted metaphor, Astro Boy the film resembles the robot, in that it is cobbled together out of parts we recognise. And as much as they don’t sound like they could all work in one film, they don’t.” Giles Hardie smh.com.au

I don’t recognise your spelling or your syntax.

“An exciting action-packed story with a host of fantastic voice actors, this is a contender for best animated movie of the year.” Annette Basile FILMINK (Australia)

So Astro Boy is either a poorly constructed robot or the best-animated movie of the year? Perhaps we need some non-Australian voices in the mix.

“What’s ultimately more impressive than the vigorous madcap action and innocuous humor, however, is Bowers’s willingness to address adult themes–alienation, regret, class tensions–with a directness that shows a surprising respect for his target young-adult audience.” Time Out New York Nick Schager

Does that mean the director treats Astro Boy’s like Astro Men?

“By nudging the picture into primary colors, Astro Boy loses a shot at an intriguing personality. A little sustained darkness never hurt anyone.” Brian Orndorf Sci-Fi Movie Page

Let me get this straight, the use of primary colors makes Astro dull and darkness is harmless?  Such an anti-color/pro-noir comment makes a fine segue into Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Directed by Paul Weitz (American Pie), the movie suffers from the same tonal schizophrenia of that other recent goth wannabe, “Jennifer’s Body”: Is it meant to be scary or funny? Oops, it’s neither.” Village Voice Aaron Hillis

Perhaps it wanted to be as scary as American Pie and as funny as schizophrenia, in which case: Horray!

“When [director] Weitz and writer Brian Helgeland try to drape a plot over the colorful characters, the movie goes fuzzy.” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

If only fuzzy-vision meant that you could pet the screen.

“The Vampire’s Assistant is too busy making impossible claims about just how spectacular its sequels will be to serve up a self-contained story with a satisfying finale.” Variety Peter Debruge

Apparently, the movie should also be seen in sequel-vision.

“The vampire trend continues, but the only authentic bloodsuckers in Cirque du Freak are its producers and studio execs.” Aaron Hillis Village Voice

Speaking of authentic bloodsucking, our final film continues the franchise tradition of sucking the blood from a shriveled cash cow: Saw VI (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Since, Saw movies fill a ridiculous death contraption niche, but the only things that change between installments are the victims, instead of exploring the merits and demerits of the current installment, let’s do a brief retrospective on the series as a whole.

Saw (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Saw Rule #1: No clapping

“Boasts an undeniably original premise and clever plot machinations that lift it several notches above the usual slasher film level.” The Hollywood Reporter Frank Scheck

Saw II (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Saw Rule #2: No pointing, snapping, or flipping the bird.

“It’s fully apparent that this sequel is more trick than treat and doesn’t really compare to its fine predecessor – though it still manages to be eye-opening (and sometimes positively nauseating) in itself.” The New York Times Laura Kern

Saw III (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Saw Rule #3: No eating, biting, or making of charm bracelets out of teeth

“Just like its increasingly wan antihero, this blood-soaked series is on its last legs.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

Saw IV (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Hey look, the human head does weight 8 pounds. Good call kid from Jerry McQuire.

“It’s a depressing experience to view something like Saw IV. It’s not just the soullessness that’s dispiriting, but the lack of invention. When a movie does little more than repeat what its predecessors accomplished with grotesque effectiveness, it’s past time to tip this corpse into its grave and bury it.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

Saw V (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

It looks like Jigsaw recovered from his decapitation surprisingly well

“A particularly dull and discombobulated affair, shot and acted with all the flair of a basic-cable procedural. Patterson and Mandylor are so wooden that their cat-and-mouse game has all the excitement of watching dust bunnies swirl in an air current.” Los Angeles Times Sam Adams

Saw VI (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

The sad legacy of this series is that each one comes out for Halloween, so instead of the Great Pumpkin, kids grow up with this

“The never-ending Saw horror franchise continues. Sigh. Fans and non-fans will get exactly what they expect, and not much more.” Zach Gibson Empire Magazine Australasia

PDJ hopes he’s seen the last of Saw

 

Step Where The Law Abiding Wild Things Are

There is an unsettling, but common theme in each of this weekend’s major releases – they all involve tormenting children.  Whether it’s tie-wielding murderers, grieving psychos, or hairy beasts, kids are more likely to be scared than entertained by this week’s multiplex invaders.  First up, a child is murdered, which prompts the ex-spy father to kick some criminal ass in Law Abiding Citizen (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“”Law Abiding Citizen” is a sizzling hot thriller that will have you on the edge of your seat from start to finish.” Jolene MendezEntertainment Spectrum

I hope theater owners don’t take that as an invitation to shrink seat size.

“A smug, stupid, ridiculous, ham-fisted and morally and ethically reprehensible example of the crypto-fascist and ridiculously reactionary revenge genre that somehow manages to give such things a bad name.” Peter SobczynskieFilmCritic.com

Who knew the revenge genre is secretly pro-fascist?  It should go public, most people hate it anyway.

“There are movies that stretch credibility, there are movies that destroy credibility, and then there’s Law Abiding Citizen.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Suddenly I’m afraid that Fox news might weaponize this film and use it against Obama.

“We’re supposed to be awed, but a more reasonable response is to giggle. How does a Kevlar tie kill? And if it can, why hasn’t the CIA sent a Kevlar scarf to Osama bin Laden?” Mark Jenkins NPR

Wow, this movie left the NPR guy calling for blood.  I wonder what it would do to me.

“Go anywhere near this idiotic thriller and your brain may break up with you.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Got it.  I’ll go see something else.  How about a remake of a 1987 domestic thriller: The Stepfather (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic)?

“100 minutes of dopey behavior and filmmaking inanity wrapped up tight in a bland, gutless PG-13 wooby, taking a proven premise and watering it down to a parade of nonsense created only to tickle gullible teen audiences.” Brian OrndorfBrianOrndorf.com

If the film really is a PG-13 security blanket that tickles teens, it’ll find an audience.

“Comparing the original to this one is like comparing regular basketball to donkey basketball–a perfectly good thing has been needlessly “improved” by making everything bigger and dumber and by allowing a bunch of jackasses to dump all over it.” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com

If I wanted to watch Donkey Basketball, would I tune in to ESPN, Animal Planet, or MTV?

That's a tough question, he must be lost.

“The less said about this quickie slasher the better.” Emanuel Levy EmanuelLevy.Com

Got it.  Moving on.  The best comes last this week with Where The Wild Things Are (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

While WTWTA is less-likely to torment children compared to the other new releases, critics were divided on the narrative and emotional effects.  Compare this:

“What he’s (Jonze) ended up with strikes me as one of the most empathic and psychologically acute of all movies about childhood — a “Wizard of Oz” for the dysfunctional-family era.” LA Weekly Scott Foundas

With this:

“Jonze has produced a gorgeous $80 million Muppet Movie in the shape of an art film that will bore kids as much as it will depress adults.” Edward Douglas ComingSoon.net

Oh nostalgia

While the general consensus is more “Oz” than “Muppet,” the people with strong emotional ties to the source material might want more assurances.

“With Where the Wild Things Are Jonze has made a work of art that stands up to its source and, in some instances, surpasses it.”  The New York Times Manohla Dargis

“…gets one thing crucially right about the 1963 Maurice Sendak picture book on which it’s based: Max, the young hero, is not a nice kid.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

The early buzz on this film was that studio executives were not happy with it and threatened to scrap the project.  My guess is they felt like this guy:

“The most daring thing that Jonze and Eggers have done is make a children’s film that might not really be for kids.” San Francisco Chronicle Mick LaSalle

And the execs were worried they couldn’t sell the movie to audiences.  However after seeing the preview, the subsequent hype, and now solid reviews, the moral of the story is that studio execs swing from unchecked optimism to irrational pessimism depending on when their creative project needs to make money.

“The title isn’t a question, but the movie provides an answer: Everywhere.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

If the title were a question, this would be the answer.

“Spike Jonze has recently said in interviews that his chief goal …was to try to capture the feeling of being 9. By that measure–by just about any measure, really–he succeeded wildly.” The Onion (A.V. Club) Josh Modell

And this must be why kids shouldn’t see it.  Adults are transformed into 9-year-olds, which means 9-year-olds become zygotes.

“For all the artfulness, the feel of the film is rough-hewn, almost primitive. It’s a fabulous tree house of a movie.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

PDJ always wanted to live in a tree house

I dream of a tree house like this

But I'd settle for this

 

The Art House Is Full, But The Multiplex Is Empty

There is an exciting variety of movies opening in limited release this week, but chances are, there’s only one new movie coming to your multiplex: Couples Retreat (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  However, before we begin discussing famous people having fun in paradise (or whether the title should have an apostrophe), let’s briefly touch focus completely on the more intriguing movies that will visit art houses and video stores rather than mainstream mall America.

The documentary Good Hair (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) features host/star Chris Rock examining how African American culture struggles with hair issues.  From interviews with Maya Angelou and Al Sharpton to the Bronner Brothers International Hair Show (the annual trade show for hair styles, products, and demonstrations), this documentary probes a pop culture topic that rarely gets addressed.

“Quite brilliantly, Rock skillfully peeled back archaic layers, opening up a dialogue that could’ve been volatile. His natural talent made the doc hilarious and thought-provoking, rising above race and gender.” Clay Cane BET.com

A documentary about hair?  If it was a wide release, I’d feel justified in making stupid hair jokes about Chris Rock’s perm-formance, but sadly no.  Interested parties will have to wait to watch it at home. And the same sad fate awaits The Damn United (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic), the story of Brian Clough, manager of the Leeds football team.  Despite getting critical attention for its strong acting and compelling character study, it is still a football movie about soccer, which is more than American audiences can handle.

And speaking of too much to handle, another limited release is Yes Men Fix The World (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  The poster alone makes me want to see it.

The poster alone.

The premise is a combination of Michael Moore’s subject matter and Sacha Baron Cohen’s guerrilla comedy where the documentarians stage elaborate pranks on corporate America (such as dressing up as executives and crashing training seminars).  If it is half as interesting as the poster, then at least half of it is interesting.

“Entertainment that tickles the justice-for-all glands.” Empire Magazine

Also on the art house circuit is a drama about a young woman attending Oxford: An Education (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) and a drama about estranged Israeli relatives: Disengagement (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

But there are even some limited release movies that may not find a home in art houses, such as a comedy about a social misfit who plays imaginary drums: Adventures Of Power (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) or a family-friendly motocross movie featuring an actor from High School Musical: Freestyle (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

Believe it or not, I didn’t even mention the drama Bronson (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) about a man who creates an anarchist alter ego after spending nearly his entire life behind bars or a film about a street basketball legend: Balls Don’t Lie (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

June 5th must have been a tentative release date...

All these amazing options, but like a man eating Top Ramen while watching the Food network, all you get is what you got in front of you.  And what we got is lots of funny famous people in paradise making audiences as happy as the actors are in the poster.

“Despite being mediocre and largely forgettable, Couples Retreat is not unpleasant, although it’s easier to recommend it for home viewing than for a trip to a theater.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

“Couples Retreat is a pleasant, undemanding, middle-of-the-road comedy, and really, were you expecting anything else?” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

I was expecting it to be funny, really.  Also it seems like a positive that the film was directed by Peter Billingsley, also known as this kid.

"If you don't see my movie, I'll shoot your eye out."

But, since those were two of the only good reviews, we must now turn to the dark side for all the reasons why you’d be happier with any of the movies listed above.

“The scenery makes you want to be somewhere other than a movie theater, and the movie has the same effect.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

So I’d be better off sipping a homemade Pina Colada and staring at my tropical screen saver?

“After traveling to Eden with the shallow, self-involved, unpleasant twits that populate Couples Retreat, you’ll be wishing they’d all have packed their bags and gone straight to hell, instead.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

I smell sequel.  How about: Couples Reheat?

“Somebody shoot Vince Vaughn before he makes another insipid, inane and idiotic movie.” Fiore Mastracci Outtakes With Fiore

“Has no redeeming qualities whatsoever, and makes extra effort to insult its audience whenever possible.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

Somebody shoot Vince Vaughn for insulting the idiots who paid to see his movie.

“To avoid paying for a holiday to hell, don’t see Couples Retreat. A prime contender for 2009’s Worst Film, this star-studded but startlingly drab “comedy” is the kind of terrible trip you pray will be over long before it’s time to go home.” Ben McEachen Empire Magazine Australasia

I want it to end already and I haven’t seen it yet.  And just in case you’re having a similar sensation with this roundup, we’ll finish with the succinctly simple.

“Couples, retreat.” Nick Pinkerton L.A. Weekly

Enjoy your weekend.

PDJ is contemplating dressing up for Halloween as that weird ball thing from the Yes Men poster

 

Serious Zombies Lie About Whipping Capitalism

A zombie hunter, a compulsive liar, a serious Jew, a roller derby rookie, and Michael Moore walk into a bar.  The zombie hunter says: “Are there any zombies around?”

The serious Jew shakes his head and says: “Zombie’s don’t exist.”

The compulsive liar says: “Of course they do.  They’re trying to get in and eat our brains right now!”

The roller derby girl screams “let them try to catch me,” as she skates out the door.

Michael Moore says: “Our greedy capitalist system is the reason zombies don’t have healthcare.”

That ‘joke’ felt like a poor-man’s Aristocrats, where the set up was funnier than the punch line.  Oh well, it introduced the eclectic and surprisingly well-received movies that come out this weekend.  We’ve got the first fall weekend that might deserve your movie dollar, so while you’re contemplating choices, let’s talk about zombies:  Zombieland (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Warts, entrails and all, I had a ball at Zombieland. It’s 81 minutes of my kind of stupid.”  Chicago Tribune Michael Phillips

Short, stupid, and filled with entrails doesn’t sound like much of a compliment.

“An exhilarating ride, start to finish. Edgar Wright and Simon Pegg set a high bar for this subgenre with “Shaun of the Dead,” but Reese, Werner and Fleischer may have trumped them. This isn’t just a good zombie comedy. It’s a damn fine movie, period. And that’s high praise, coming from a vampire guy.” Time Richard Corliss

At last, we have a full-fledged vampire movie critic!  I’m sure his opinion on upcoming projects like The Vampire’s Assistant and New Moon won’t suck. So we know this film appeals to vampires, but who else?

“I highly recommend Zombieland to anyone with an offbeat sense of humor and an unnatural craving for Twinkies.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Twinkie lovers and people who got my Aristocrats reference should get in line now.

“Zombieland is still the funniest broad comedy since “The Hangover.” Its yowling, marching, munching corpses are as scary as grad students and as hilarious as the plot of “G.I. Joe.”” New York Post Kyle Smith

I know a few yowling, marching, munching grad students who will eat that guy’s brains for comparing them to GI Joe.  Or am I lying?

The Invention of Lying (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) tells the story of one man who can lie in a world where everyone tells the truth.  Sounds like heaven for the innocents and hell for advertisers, lawyers, and bullshit artists.

“However cheeky and blasphemous, this is, at heart, a rather sweet little fable. Which of course would mean nothing if it weren’t explosively funny.” New York Magazine David Edelstein

Explosively funny ha-ha or funny uh-oh?

“The Invention of Lying deserves to take its place as a modern American comedy classic right alongside such worthy counterparts as Groundhog Day and Idiocracy.” Erik Childress eFilmCritic.com

I wish critics wouldn’t do that.  Calling Idiocracy a comedy classic negates the definition of ‘classic.’  It’s like calling an Axe body spray commercial ‘epic.’ For the record, Idiocracy has a great premise, but is a mediocre movie.

“Proof that when you aim for the stars, sometimes you find a black hole. Hopefully just an anomaly for the usually wonderful Gervais.” Empire Chris Hewitt

And sometimes you find a Milky Way.  Yum.

“Lying is good, but it could have been great. And that’s no lie.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

When someone says “this isn’t a lie,” it usually is.  Now then, our next movie wants you to whip it.  For real: Whip It (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“Oh my, ladies: how our fairy tales have changed! A league of rough and tumble women, skating, fighting, competing and whipping their art through otherwise terribly ordinary lives.” Joanna Langfield The Movie Minute

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a roller derby fairy tale.

“Clicks on so many levels — heartwarming family story, rough-and-tumble display of grrrl power and a secondary but tender and convincing romance.” The Hollywood Reporter Peter Brunette

Sounds grrrrreat.

“Laced with good-natured hipster kitsch and endearingly goofy girl power, director Drew Barrymore’s roller-derby dramedy, Whip It, is a gas.”  Variety Rob Nelson

Was that a gas pun about nitrous oxide whippets?

Like this?

“Whip It (which takes its name from a play in which skaters hold hands and form a human whip to propel the last skater forward) is heaven on wheels.” Philadelphia Inquirer Carrie Rickey

Heaven’s got wheels?

“Boisterous, cloying, simultaneously raunchy and innocent, hip and klutzy.”  The Globe and Mail (Toronto) Liam Lacey

Heaven’s wheels are klutzy and raunchy?  Don’t tell Michael Moore, he’s probably in the market for a new documentary topic.

Capitalism: a Love Story (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) is another tough sell for Moore who has created a product (a movie) he hopes to sell (via tickets), which criticizes the process (capitalism) that we are all engaged in.

“Michael Moore’s Capitalism: A Love Story is something else — not a good movie or a coherent exposition of the meltdown but an emotional attack on capitalism as a system, an attempt, literally, to de-moralize capitalism.” David Denby New Yorker

Capitalism won’t have a crisis of confidence until there’s a way to make money off it.

Somewhere, someone is selling this image on a tee-shirt

“Capitalism is intended to convince Americans that they’ve bought into an economic system designed to screw them over, but the tone is so smart-ass that it’s bound to put a lot of viewers into a default defensive posture.” Noel Murray AV Club

Such as?

“This is a love story, all right, but it has less to do with the flaws of capitalism than it does with Moore’s unwavering fondness for the sound of his own voice, and for what he perceives as his own vast cleverness.” Salon.com Stephanie Zacharek

“Moore’s choice to make “capitalism” his straw man (rather than, say, greed or Reagan-era deregulation) puts him in closer company than he might like with some pretty nasty world-historical bedfellows.” Dana Stevens Slate

And since Moore’s films are know to begin debates, what does the other side say?

“A scathing indictment of modern America’s “me first” approach to the social contract…an urgently important piece of work.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

“Capitalism will make you laugh, it will make you cry and it will make you angry — in other words, par for the course for a Michael Moore movie.” Scott A. Mantz Entertainment Insiders

“Even if you don’t agree with the answers that Michael Moore suggests, I think you should see this movie.” A.O. Scott At the Movies

Michael Moore seems to have a red-sea-parting ability to divide American audiences.  That was the thought I had right before I read this quote:

“Michael Moore is the Obama of documentarians.” Clay Cane BET.com

And suddenly, I’m seriously stumped.  And speaking of seriously stupid segues: A Serious Man (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic) is a personal story for the Coen brothers who tell the story of a troubled Jewish father who seeks help from various rabbis.  Sure, it sounds odd, but it’s the Coens.

“The always surprising Coen brothers have finally made a very serious movie with A Serious Man. It’s about God, man’s place in the world and the meaning of life, so naturally it’s one of their funnier movies.” The Hollywood Reporter Kirk Honeycutt

“A Serious Man is not only hauntingly original, it’s the final piece of the puzzle that is the Coens. Combine suburban alienation, philosophical inquiry, moral seriousness, a mixture of respect for and utter indifference to Torah, and, finally, a ton of dope, and you get one of the most remarkable oeuvres in modern film.”New York Magazine David Edelstein

It sounds like an introspective exploration of the human condition, but is it any good?

“A Serious Man, like “Burn After Reading,” is in their bleak, black, belittling mode, and it’s hell to sit through.” The New Yorker David Denby

“As a piece of moviemaking craft, A Serious Man is fascinating; in every other way, it’s intolerable.” David Denby New Yorker

Since this roundup is running long and you’ve got weekends to enjoy, let’s wrap it up with a review that wraps it all up.

“If Philip Roth and Franz Kafka sat down to write an adaptation of the Book of Job, the result might be something like A Serious Man.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

If PDJ and a cup of coffee sat down to write this blog, the result might be something like this

 

Bruce Willis Has Paranormal Fame

From Moonlighting and Die Hard to Sixth Sense and 12 Monkeys, Bruce Willis is deserving of his 20 year fameathalon.  His tough-guy bravado and his everyman humor are at the core of characters like Korben Dallas, John McClane, and Hudson Hawk (hey, I thought was funny). He’s had culture-altering highs and some career-confusing lows, but his current movie is right in the middle: Surrogates (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  In honor of Bruce, this week’s roundup is all about the ups of optimism, the lows of pessimism, and the calm center of realism.  If your favorite things are sunny days, wide smiles, and the laughter of children, you’re first.

“Director Jonathan Mostow makes the proceedings such fun that you’re willing to forfeit the smart satire this might have been for the trashy adventure flick that it is.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

Forfeiting never sounded so good.  One more from the half-fulls:

“Who doesn’t want to see Radha Mitchell hurl a parking meter like a javelin?” Jordan Hoffman UGO

Only people with no appreciation of awesome, but what do the haters think?

“The filmmakers were too busy throwing together potential blockbuster material to notice all the loose ends and gaping holes in logic. Which may, ultimately, explain why Willis looks so confused throughout. Maybe he, too, is straining to locate some intelligence amid all the machinery.” New York Daily News Elizabeth Weitzman

Are you a jowels half up or half down kind of person?

“If robots had to make a movie without human help, Surrogates is what they might come up with. All the parts are visible, but there’s no soul to be found.” Elizabeth Weitzman New York Daily News

Humans are so demanding.  So what if robots don’t have a soul?  Humans don’t have search engines, iTunes, or the ability to remove viruses and unwanted information from themselves.  We need someone to keep it real.

“A reasonably watchable sci-fi B movie, a case of a good director and some intriguing ideas struggling to overcome formula plotting, limp dialogue, and a serious case of the sillies.” Boston Globe Ty Burr

Good logic stirs my inner academic, but it shouldn’t prevent anyone from enjoying the joys of impossibility.  After all, Bruce has played a time-traveler, a ghost, and a cartoon raccoon.  And speaking of the supernatural, our next movie tells you what it’s about in the title: Paranormal Activity (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).  Let’s hear the good, bad, and indifferent opinions of this little project.

“It’s one of the scariest movies of all-time. YOU WILL BE AFFECTED as it’s hard to ignore the imprint it leaves on your psyche. You know it’s fake, and yet, you can’t shake it. Nightmares are guaranteed.”Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

That reviewer would have grabbed your shoulders and screamed that review in your face if you had let him.  Is there a Dr. Jekyll to his Hyde?

“For a film already at the lower end of professional polish, the acting makes the whole shebang feel like a community theater rehearsal. I was half-expecting Corky St. Clair to show up as a spirit.”Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Guffman needs to buy a watch

“If you think horror movies can’t scare you, if you think modern horror has nothing more to offer, try sitting through “Paranormal Activity” and then thank the filmmakers for changing your mind…”Felix Vasquez Jr. Film Threat

I first read that review with a rational tone in mind, but it’s a lot funnier in commercial voiceover mode.  The last movie to receive an involuntary bipolar treatment might want to stay anonymous: Fame (Rotten Tomatoes – Metacritic).

“A film that’s largely a raw, uplifting love letter to creativity in every possible form.” Tasha Robinson AV Club

Ying, meet Yang.

“The new, unimproved Fame won’t live forever except in DVD cutout bins, and remembering anyone’s name will be a chore.” Steve Persall St. Petersburg Times

Our final level-headed middle man is the first person to ever win a Pulitzer Prize for film criticism.

“A sad reflection of the new Hollywood, where material is sanitized and dumbed down for a hypothetical teen market that is way too sophisticated for it. It plays like a dinner theater version of the original.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

Now then, to play the Maddie Hayes to his David Addison and bring this roundup back to the starting line, I submit to you that Roger Ebert once said of Die Hard that “Inappropriate and wrongheaded interruptions reveal the fragile nature of the plot and prevent it from working.” What would  Bruce have to say about that?

He'd say: My Surrogate should have looked like this

PDJ needs a body double