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Easy Alpha Devil Town

I have no idea what an easy alpha devil town is, but it sounds like a collection of domiciles filled with promiscuous type-A demons.  If I lived near such a place, I would board up my windows, mount a machine gun on my roof, and put up signs that warned tourists to stay away from The Town (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“If “Heat” and “The Departed” had a baby, the result might come close to The Town, a riveting and explosive crime thriller and one of the year’s best pictures.” Boxoffice Magazine Pete Hammond

How does movie copulation work exactly?  I ask because most gangster movies have a macho quality that complicates the situation.

“It’s rare to see an ensemble movie like this, so loaded with talented actors, in which virtually all of them get an opportunity to make an impression. Affleck is the boss and the star, but he knows how to share.” Time Mary Pols

When sharing is the opposite of caring

“The Town is nearly as ludicrous as [Affleck’s] debut Gone Baby Gone — another poison pen letter to Beantown.” Armond White New York Press

So, if you hate a movie that most people like (Gone Baby Gone is at 94% on RT), maybe you’ll hate this one too.

“Affleck shows this is how you f_ck_n’ direct a movie.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

And that is how you fuckin’ c_ns_r for publication.

“The Town is part of a career turnaround so amazing that he [Affleck] looks like the new Clint Eastwood. Seriously.” Caryn James Newsweek

That comment makes me wish I had a time machine so I could go back to when Bennifer starred in Gigli and Daredevil and tell angry movie geeks that one day “Affleck will be the new Clint Eastwood.”  I would laugh and laugh with knowing satisfaction as they beat me silly.  The differences between reality then and reality now is the difference between Alpha and Omega (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).
“Someday they’ll make an animated movie in which carnivorous animals actually kill and eat their prey; until then, we’re stuck with the likes of Alpha and Omega.” Vadim Rizov L.A. Weekly

If the wolves aren’t hunting, killing, or other wolf-activities, how do they spend their time?

“The sexual tension is thick between the woodland creatures in Alpha and Omega, an animated children’s film with a plot that has more in common with “The Blue Lagoon” than “Bambi.”” San Francisco Chronicle Peter Hartlaub

How much sexual tension should be expected?  Would a better title have been Full Moon Lagoon or Randy Bambi?

“Almost totally bereft of surprises.” Steven D. Greydanus Christianity Today

It can’t be too risque if the guy from Christianity Today was bored by its lack of risk.

“It’s an ugly, laughless 3-D cartoon about wolves that is so wussified and stupidified that it’ll bore kids and make their adult minders wish they’d done something comparatively interesting, like cleaning the gutters in the rain.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Or arm-wrestle a crocodile

“A gentle courtship guide for youngsters, “Alpha and Omega” is a free-spirited animated comedy where acrobatic chase sequences, featuring wild wolves, take center stage.” Cole SmitheyColeSmithey.com

If you are uneasy about prescribing an animated courtship guide for your kids, you can bypass the birds and bees with nerds and sleaze in Easy A (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“What this high school morality fable really recalls is “Clueless” — a comedy of very contemporary ill manners drawn from classic literature, an immersion in the young-adult lexicon and a potentially career-making showcase for its lead actress, Emma Stone.” Variety John Anderson

It’d be too easy to assign this movie a grade, instead let’s say its star earns a gold star.

“Emma Stone is crazy good in this – Goldie Hawn in ”Private Benjamin” good, Gilda Radner in good, Shelley Long in ”Cheers” good!” Clint Morris Mediasharx

Constructing awkward sentences to insert pop culture references doesn’t always work so…good.

“Wielding an improbable vocabulary that would elicit a head scratch from Merriam-Webster and possessing a beautiful and expressive face, the 21-year-old redhead [Stone] makes you fall for her hard.” Randy Myers Contra Costa Times

How to look smart while scratching your head

“The ghost of John Hughes smiles upon Easy A, a film that freely and giddily borrows from and pays tribute to Hughes’ famous Holy Trinity of ’80s teen angst comedies.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

I wonder if the ghost of John Hughes sees Molly Ringwald’s path from Breakfast Club to Pretty In Pink echoed in Emma Stone’s move from Superbad to this.

“I’d like to see Gluck and Royal actually study what John Hughes achieved during his short stint in teen cinema before they attempt to piss all over his grave a second time around.” Brian OrndorfBrianOrndorf.com

I wonder if the ghost of John Hughes knows his grave is soaked in urine.  And if so, I hope he haunts those pissers.  Or perhaps he can hire someone to torment his foes.  How about a Devil (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic)?
“A taut, psycho-supernatural chiller with an elegantly simple premise: Five strangers, trapped in the elevator of a highrise, start to go nuts.” Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

That’s the film’s summary in words, but let’s go nuts with images for the rest.

“It’s not a great film. But it held my interest throughout and released me at just the right time.” Teddy Durgin Screen It!

Timing is everything

“Shyamalan has instead indulged his moldy sense of protracted mischief, providing pedestrian thrills to fans who’ll see every turn of this feature coming a mile away.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Pedestrian thrills

“Perhaps someday, in the greatest twist of all, Shyamalan will be remembered as the Hitchcock of the early 21st century. Until then, movies like Devil will be misunderstood as schlock.” The Onion A.V. Club Scott Tobias

The greatest fist bump of all

“A pocket-size supernatural thriller that plays a bit like Agatha Christie’s Ten Little Indians retold by an unstable Sunday School teacher.” Adam Markovitz Entertainment Weekly

King Sheep is a relatively stable everyday school teacher

3 Responses

  1. Best laughs: “Full Moon Lagoon or Randy Bambi.” “Birds and bees with nerds and sleaze.”

    Comedy gold!

  2. ….good. 🙂

  3. I expected a completely different image after “released me at just the right time.” Oh well.

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