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Evil Romantics Still Hitting Resident Virgins

When will those pesky romantics leave the virgins alone?  Bullying people based on their romantic proficiency seems pretty cruel, especially since bullying them about their physical appearance or their cooties is much more socially acceptable. And by cooties, I meant their ‘ick’ factor, not the zombie virus nonsense that fills the world of Resident Evil: Afterlife (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Like one of its lumbering undead, this video game franchise is hard to kill. The fourth entry is less about zombie mayhem than about progressing a larger story arc – if anyone still cares.” Joe Lozito Big Picture Big Sound

For those who care, the story follows hero-protag Alice who (in part 1) worked as security for the Umbrella Corporation, until she learned they were evil and responsible for the zombie outbreak.  In part 2 she developed super powers and Umbrella was evil.  In part 3, she learned she was a clone and Umbrella was still evil.  Umbrella is always the villain and the only thing that changes are the films they steal ideas from. Maybe Alice can be a vampire next time.

“Stupid, over the top but a lot of fun and, once again, ending with the promise of yet another sequel.” Alex Zane Sun Online

Resident Evil: After Afterlife?

“It’s boring. It’s derivative. It’s chaotic. It’s a franchise that’s been running on fumes for eight years. With this entry, the fuel gauge has finally hit empty.” Dustin Putman DustinPutman.com

But doesn’t ‘on fumes’ imply that the tank was already empty?

At least with this gauge ‘on fumes’ = a fuller wallet.

“An adaptation which will soon feel decades behind its time.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Like, in a couple decades?

“Been there, done that, pass the console.” Elliott Noble Sky Movies

If you weren’t there, didn’t do it, and don’t have the console controller yet, just remind them that I’m Still Here (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Is Joaquin Phoenix putting us on? After watching the terrifying, near-brilliant exposé I’m Still Here, in which the Oscar nominee’s public and private unraveling becomes a sick joke, the question doesn’t matter.” Time Out New York Joshua Rothkopf

Then why’d you ask it?

“Whatever their actual intentions, I’m Still Here does take on, at times forcefully and effectively, the pathological fallout of the Entertainment Industrial Complex.” Manohla Dargis New York Times

Is ‘pathological fallout’ just a tactful way of saying that being famous makes people assholes?

“This riveting, dismaying documentary is that cinematic car accident you can’t take your eyes from.” David Noh Film Journal International

An enigmatic car accident

“At times I’m Still Here is as ridiculous as Borat, which certainly adds weight to the naysayers’ arguments, and yet even through the multiple shots of male nudity, drug taking and human desecration, everything feels organic.” Sam Bathe Fan The Fire

I know that labelling vegetables and meat ‘organic’ makes it more desirable, but a film?  They said ‘human desecration,’ but maybe they meant ‘compost.’

“You won’t personally be ridiculed and physically attacked. You’ll just leave the theater feeling like you were.” Christopher Campbell Cinematical

And if you’re a virgin, hopefully the violence won’t be amplified with The Virginity Hit (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Equal parts bold experiment (in sustaining a YouTube aesthetic for an entire film), and shallow redux of well-worn teenage sex comedy tropes.” Andrew Barker Variety

‘Well-worn’ and teenage sex tropes go together like peas and carrots.  Although, in this context, the vegetable metaphor takes on an oddly sexual meaning.  I doubt it wouldn’t have been improved by going together like birds and bees.

“The Virginity Hit is fresh, unpretentious fun, but the comedy is so raw that it will appeal only to those who appreciate this sort of unfiltered peek into the mind of males in their late teens and early twenties.”  ReelViews James Berardinelli

I’d recommend filtering the dirtiest thoughts, but censoring often makes things worse.

“Hilariously chronicles the missteps and triumphs—and everything in between—of four teenage guys in their efforts to get laid for the first time.” Ed Gonzalez Slant Magazine

Isn’t that the plot of American Pie?  What other teenage comedies is the movie shoplifting from?

“Crass and vulgar, of course. It’s supposed to be funny, too, but it isn’t…It makes a movie like ‘Superbad’…seem like Shakespeare.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

Our final film wants to make Titanic look like Love Boat, but whether it succeeds or fails is up to The Romantics (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“The all-night orgy of stupidity that ensues is so contrived that instead of examining friendships and love, it only made me wish they had all drowned, saving us from 95 minutes of wooden, boring and inconsequential embarrassment.” Rex Reed New York Observer

In reviewing the film, the comparison went from orgies to mass homicide and it was boring?

“(Holmes) fails to deliver requisite laughs to keep the comedy afloat.” Boxoffice Magazine Steve Ramos

The movie isn’t called The Comedians.  It’s all about the romance.

“This is probably not a good movie to see with your fiancée or fiancé.” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

But you shouldn’t see it with anyone you’re romantic with…so it’s not funny and questionabily romantic.  Is there anything worth praising?

“[It] somehow skirts utter loathsomeness by dint of its elegant camerawork and a few finely tuned performances. I’m not suggesting you run out to the theater and see this, but if it comes on cable someday and you have a big pile of laundry to fold…” Dana Stevens Slate

I hope that praise is on the DVD box.  Recommended as household chore background noise.

“Just in time for hurricane season, this perfect storm of pretentiousness blows into a theater near you.” Matt Stevens E! Online

King Sheep prefers unpretentious imperfect storms.

3 Responses

  1. Household chore background noise!

    Maybe I’ll bring some laundry to the theater.

  2. Do you think any of them are as bad as “Cop Out?” Bleh.

  3. What are they talking about? Background noise for chores is a great feature for movies! Any time I need to vacuum or get some dishwashing done, I just pop in Star Wars 1, 2, or 3 and it’s as good as waves crashing in the distance.

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