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Nanny Switches Lottery Ticket for Vampire Piranha

Last week, I stated that the summer movie season is over based on the idea that the big-budget blockbusters are in hibernation until the holidays.  However, this week offers several films meant to ease the transition from summer fun into the barren wasteland of fall movies.  There’s a sperm donation rom-dramedy, 3D killer fish, a cheap parody that doesn’t belong in theaters, a light ghetto adventure, and the lovably disfigured Nanny McPhee Returns (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).
“What we truly need as a society is an Aliens vs. Predators like extravaganza in which McPhee goes nanny-a-nanny against Mary Poppins.” Phil Villarreal OK! Magazine

A nanny battle royale could even use AVP’s tagline: “Whoever wins, we lose.”

“Somewhat silly, yet genuinely sweet, often amusing and pleasantly diverting for everyone young and old. Please be sure to stick around after the end credits for a stinger.” Avi Offer NYC Movie Guru

A stinger missile?  What sort of airborne trouble would necessitate…oh.

Chim Chiminy, Chim Chiminy, Chim Chim Chiree!

"Tell General McPhee we have the target in sight."

“The ham-handed director was Susanna White, who intercuts compulsively, whether or not anything is happening.” Joe Morgenstern Wall Street Journal

I’m sure the editing isn’t that

“Kid viewers will have fun with the references to barnyard poo, poo of all sorts, poo to reckon with.” Lisa Schwarzbaum Entertainment Weekly

Superscatcanbealittleatroicous.

“It’s a not-completely unwelcome and not-completely terrible sequel, one that actually betters its predecessor.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

Those kindish words might be welcome praise for this weekend’s other sequel – the babes and blood craziness of Piranha 3D (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“80,000 gallons of fake blood, extreme violence, gore, terribly cheesy dialogue, legit scares, high tension, porn stars and a wet T-shirt contest all in 3D. Are you sold yet?” Kevin McCarthy BDK Reviews

Not quite, how about a ridiculous claim about the movie’s transformative powers?

“Has plenty of good, old-fashioned blood & guts and the kind of full frontal nudity that’s guaranteed to send young boys into puberty.” Jen Yamato Movies.com

Does that mean it’s in 3-DD?

“The Citizen Kane of killer piranha movies.” Dave White Movies.com

This time around, I hope Rosebud is a jet-ski strapped with water-proof explosives.

Or the Rolls-Royce of Rosebuds.

“Piranha 3D goes for the jugular. And generally misses, but generally in an amusing way.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Missing the jugular gives it a 50/50 chance of generally landing on my face.

“So good-natured in its approach to trashy entertainment that it’s hard to resist the ride. Provided you’re not too busy vomiting in the aisles.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com

Given the gratuitous blood and flesh, we need some fangy heliphobics to help clean up.  It’s a good thing Vampires Suck (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“Plenty of gags fall flat, but writer-directors Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer… have tapped the vein more effectively than their norm, with enjoyable details and on-the-mark senseless brutality.” Michael Ordoña Los Angeles Times

It’s moronic, but that was it was aiming for.

“Parodies can be hilarious. This one sucks.” Bruce Demara Toronto Star

Puns can be stupid, if they’re too punny.

Or, if you prefer irony.

“If you’ve ever read a single book — we’ll include Stephenie Meyer — you’re probably better than this.” Nick Pinkerton L.A. Weekly

Gotcha, this movie is not for book readers.

“This is the kind of film that is so bad that you almost wish that it had been shot in 3D simply so that you could just take your glasses off and not have to look at it anymore.” Peter SobczynskieFilmCritic.com

Gotcha, the movie isn’t for movie watchers either.  It’s really that bad?

“So here I am, down on my knees, begging you not to go see “Vampires Suck.” Who knows? If we can get enough people to stay away from the theater, maybe we will finally be able to rid ourselves of Friedberg and Seltzer once and for all.” Adam Tobias Watertown Daily Times

Perhaps Friedberg and Seltzer will give up making movies if they buy a winning Lottery Ticket (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“A ROFL treasure hunt which unfolds like an inner-city variation of It’s a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World. What more can you ask for from a ghetto-fabulous, escapist fantasy?” Kam WilliamsTheLoop21.com

But aren’t ghetto’s part of a Sad, Sad, Sad, Sad World?

“A parade of painful ghetto stereotypes, missing every opportunity for satire or meaningful social commentary.” Josh Bell Las Vegas Weekly

Some parade’s are painfully hard to see.

“It’s just additional proof that those responsible for such horrible films need to win the lottery so that they’ll stop subjecting the masses to such offensive and not particularly funny material.” Jim JudyScreen It!

Instead of cursing filmmakers with enough luck to become rich layabouts, why don’t we just avoid their movies?

“Let’s call it four out of six numbers, with no power bonus. Some payoff, but don’t quit your job.” Tom Long Detroit News

If I’m only going to win enough to keep playing the lotto, maybe I should just pocket the money I was going to spend on the tickets.  Give me a second to consider The Switch (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).
“The Switch is so incredibly aptly named, not simply for its plot, but for the fact that it offers what appears to be a somewhat raunchy romantic comedy and instead hands you a touching, charming, well written story about fatherhood and love.” Matthew Razak Examiner.com

Should they have called it Bait & Switch?

“So unimaginative and formula-driven…that it seems entirely to have been hashed out by executives over a long lunch.” Jay Antani Moving Pictures Magazine

A suit says “give me the cream,” and after someone says “that’s what she said,” another executive says “hey, there’s a movie in that.”

“It would be nice to argue that the good outweighs the bad in The Switch, but it’s a wash.” ReelViews James Berardinelli

When you put good and bad in the wash together is it gad or bood?

Either way, it sounds ruff.

“Squeezes fresh laughs out of what is, in essence, a rather startlingly post-Freudian, nature-trumps-nurture view of child development.” Entertainment Weekly Owen Gleiberman

For curiosity’s sake, has anyone tried making a pre-Freudian nurture-trumps-nature view of adult retardation?

“The film offers few — make that no — surprises. What almost saves it is the acting.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

King Sheep is never - make that often - surprised by what critics say

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3 Responses

  1. I LOVED everything from the beginning through Superscatcanbealittleatroicous. Awesome. I quite liked the rest too, actually. Nice work, King Sheep!

  2. Is there some kind of award I can nominate you for for “superscatcanbealittleatrocious?”

  3. Agreed; good work, sir! And to file in the Taglines Needing Punctations folder: “The magic’s back warts and all.”

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