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Dead Prince Survives Sex

This week offers a grab bag of (typically) genre fair.  Normally, a week that featured a video game movie, another entry in a zombie franchise, and a chick flick travel adventure would be seen as a great reason to stay home and avoid the movies.  However, star power and massive budgets force this week’s entries into the mainstream and the result is that you should probably stay home and avoid the movies.  Sorry to burst that bubble of hope.  If you had the dagger of time, you could rewind time and save yourself the mood spoiler just like the video game protagonist from Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“A ditzy film that offers more evidence that good actors, good action and one-liners don’t solve the one thing missing in every movie video game adaptation — a story that makes sense.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

That’s the elephant in this virtual room.  Story is low on the list of video game priorities because plot, characters, and dialogue are less important than immersive graphics, enjoyable levels, and an in-game camera that doesn’t kill you more than the bad guys.  In most mediums, (TV, movies, comics, etc) story is an essential component – not so in games.  Foundational works of Western literature (from Homer to Shakespeare) wouldn’t exist without a story, but the foundational works of video games are Asteroids and Pac-Man and the motivation of triangle space ships and eyeless yellow chompers doesn’t matter as much as being fun enough to keep you feeding quarters.  When you read a book you are told a story, in a game, the player can create their own story.  But that’s why there’s a story hurdle for all video game movies – did this one fare any better?

“Taking little from the award-winning game series, this coasts by on its Saturday matinée charms and the likeable leads’ love-hate chemistry.” Jamie Russell Radio Times

Wow, modern daycare is hard core.

“Bruckheimer’s passably enjoyable, antiquity-themed epic should satisfy its young male core demographic well enough, but won’t connect with other auds on the level of Bruckheimer’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” franchise.” Variety Leslie Felperin

Would it help if Jake Gyllenhaal acted like a drunk pirate who was as bright as a lamp in Aladdin’s cave?

“While it’s beautifully shot, well performed and undoubtedly fun to watch, it all feels somewhat soulless; calculated to tick every blockbuster box rather than to create something new and original.” Chris Tilly IGN Movies UK

The blockbuster checklist includes unnecessary explosions, forced romance, and a climatic battle in which the villain is impaled, exploded, or both.

And don't forget merchandising.

“Daft dialogue and silly costumes, sword fights and death-defying stunts, breathless chases and slithering snakes. Nonsense but entertaining nonsense.” Allan Hunter Daily Express

I wonder if that critic stared at ‘slithering snakes’ and tried to think of a more exciting adjective before dismissing the word tinkering with “it’s all nonsense anyway.”

“It’s like two hours of July 4th fireworks, only with flying swords and sandstorms, and raging battles and mystical palaces rising out of the desert.” Betsy Sharkey Los Angeles Times

There’s a July 4th firework that involves flying swords?  For my sake and the sake of all curious kids, I’m glad it exists only in the mind’s of movie critics.

“So convoluted that its protagonists have to regularly stop and shout out what “must” be done to ensure all the 10-year-olds in the audience don’t get hopelessly confused.” Andrew Pulver Guardian [UK]

Fear not gentle reader, I must continue mocking modern movies and the people who review them. Next up, George Romero adds another zombie movie to his resume: Survival Of The Dead (Rotten Tomatoes Metacritic).

“A slight, self-aware fable in which a pair of feuding families, a quartet of AWOL National Guardsmen and a mess o’ ravenous zombies mix it up on an isolated Atlantic-coast island.” Maitland McDonagh Film Journal International

If I was self-aware during a zombie movie, I’d wear nothing but chain mail and SWAT armor and I load myself up with anything that fires projectiles.

This should be mandatory for all zombie fighters.

“At long last, the Dead series may be ready for that final bullet between the eyes.” Chicago Reader J.R. Jones

That shot would be easy to make with the helmet howitzer.

“The energy clearly isn’t there anymore. Survival of the Dead is graceless and shoddy, making zombie killing, the sport of kings and nerds, actually difficult to sit through.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Is fictional monster hunting the sport of kings and nerds because modern kings and action-ready nerds are practically fictional too?

“Survival of the Dead never comes alive.” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

Does that mean the dead don’t survive?  How about a spoiler warning next time?

“A polished, fast-moving, entertaining picture whose mainstream success will depend on audiences’ tolerance of its tendency to become an abattoir of extreme carnage.” The Hollywood Reporter Ray Bennett

Our final film is an abattoir of extreme capitalism: Sex And The City 2 (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).

“Sex and the City 2 isn’t a feature film as much as it is consumer porn. The audience is not asked to relate to the characters, or at least what we remember of them, as much as to their shoes, their bags, their apartments, their couture, their stuff.” Arizona Republic Bill Goodykoontz

It’s an advertisement for the financial elite, but is it capitalist catharsis to savor someone’s surplus?

“The film might have triumphed as a musical: camp, virtually plotless, and liberally sequined. But sadly this sequel is not Sex and the City — it is Menopause in the Desert, and a waste of four great characters.” Kate Muir Times [UK]

If the film really was called “Menopause in the Desert,” this roundup’s title would have been Dead Prince Survives Menopause.

“The “Fab Four’s” dramadies continue for the audiences who love them. Trouble is the surrounding story and its supposedly fun sojourns are as embarrassing as granny panties.” Boxoffice Magazine Sara Maria Vizcarrondo

Really? BTW - Is it more embarrassing to wear them or to stare at them?

“The tagline states that we should ‘Carrie on.’ The publicity dept. almost got it right, but the spelling’s off. It needs to be ‘Carrion’ because nothing says putrefying, rotten and vile quite like this sequel.” Kimberly Gadette Indie Movies Online

Zing!

“A miscalculation of feminine power so extreme that our country’s threat level should immediately be raised.” Erik Childress eFilmCritic.com

Holy shit!  Before any Fab Foursome Fans start hyperventilating, what’s the upside?

“Disposable, glitzy fun lacking depth or staying power, Sex And The City 2 is the cinematic version of karaoke: a giddy, silly hoot best enjoyed in tipsy groups.” Jane Crowther Total Film

King Sheep wouldn't mind being the blog version of karaoke.

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3 Responses

  1. I don’t think anyone would mess with me at work if I had a helmet howitzer. Hmm….

  2. Holy Bad Movie Weekend, Pat-Man!

  3. We both made reference to Granny underwear in our Friday posts. It’s a magical time of year, to be sure!

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