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The Way of the Spider

First a funny story about what happened last weekend.  Sunday started out much like any other day: an early morning swim, a trip to the tattoo parlor, then back home for cleaning and organizing.  Since the shortest line from our place to the dumpster is out the patio, we keep most of our recycling in containers by the sliding glass door, and Becky was adding to the pile.  I was harmlessly washing dishes when I saw her begin to have some kind of seizure.  Her arms and torso were spasming and her face was contorted into this horrifying sneer/growl.  I was quickly at her side, ready to put the handle of a wooden spoon between her teeth to keep her from swallowing her tongue.  Then I saw she wasn’t having an episode.  She was afraid.  She pointed one finger at the screen door and her ashen lips mouthed a single word.

Spider.”

I’ve never been very afraid of spiders.  I have an aversion to insects surprising me by crawling down my neckline, but that’s just because I’m afraid they’re mistaking me for a tree.  And we’ve all seen what bugs do to trees.  I once saw a grown man chew his own leather jacket to keep from screaming during the Shelob sequence in Return of the King, and my own father didn’t make it five minutes into Arachnaphobia.  Becky is right around the same caliber of paralytic fear.

The spider was on the screen door outside the glass door, which was shut and locked.  Because of the spider’s proximity to the handle of the screen door, and its size, my wife declared the doorway impassible for no less than two days.  I imagine this period of time was what, in her mind, was calculated as the minimum a spider would need to get bored and move on.

Just to be fair, I took pictures so that everyone would know she’s not crazy cakes.  If you’re one of those who thinks the spider will jump out of the screen at you, I’ve put the images at the bottom of the post so that you won’t have to look if you don’t want to.  But you should.

So, art!  Well…I don’t really have anything right now.  I’m spending most of my brain time thinking of how to run a critique at school.  I started taking a class at the local tech school, and since I lost my job, one of my professors asked if I could help him with his cartooning class.  So, I have to take about a dozen game design majors and help them understand how to improve their drawings.  It’s a first for me, so I’m sweating it, okay?  I’ll be back on the wagon next week.

Now, here’s some creepy pics.

Here's the guy with a neighbor's cat and my gnome, Adrian for size comparison.

And here he is up close with the flash. Abdomen was roughly the size of a dried pinto bean.

Sweet dreams!

Nate's eyes are really this big.

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One Response

  1. Congrats on joining our noble teacher ranks! We’re noble because there’s not enough money for us to be rich.

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