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Preview Predictions

I saw a movie in the theater last weekend, and if you’re experiencing the same kind of economic prohibition that I am then you’ll appreciate what a glorious treat that was.  The flick I saw was Sherlock Holmes, a feast of fisticuffs with delectable displays of deduction for dessert.  If you’ve already seen it, then you don’t need me to tell you how it was.  If you haven’t seen it, then I’ll simply say that you should.  If you have no desire whatsoever to see  it, then close this browser window and go back to your NASCAR and Hamm’s.

Now the main event, Preview Predictions, where I, inspired to Holmesian Heights of deductive reasoning, will make forecasts of films using only their theatrical trailers.  The previews I saw before Holmes (in order of appearance):

Wolfman – While the title leaves little mystery as to the theme of the movie, the trailer uses a disjointed assemblage of action scenes and transformation close-ups to distract you from the fact that no plot is revealed.  However, I observed enough clues to know this:  Anthony Hopkins’ son gets a strange bite and grows up to be Benicio del Toro who transforms into the title character once every lunar cycle.  His favorite pastimes include slaughtering innocents, terrorizing the opera, and being shot by Hugo Weaving.  The film will do marginally well at the box office, prove to be too subtle for vapid New Moon fans, and grow old enjoying a cult status alongside Hopkins’ last foray into the occult, Bram Stoker’s Dracula.

Hot Tub Time Machine – With a title too ridiculous to be anything but a comedy, this will be a mash-up of Peggy Sue Got Married and Dude, Where’s My Car? No need to forecast the plot since it’s all in the trailer, but I do predict a mega-dose of life lessons for the main characters as they try to change their pasts only to realize that their lives aren’t so bad.  It’ll start like a stand-up act at the Sahara and end like an after school special.  Limited theater run, but a big hit on DVD as the college crowd unleashes its potential for drinking games.

Bounty Hunter – When this hits theaters, expect to see phrases like “Romantic comedy hit of the spring!”  Star power alone will push it up in the box office ranks, but it’ll lose momentum when folks see that the film holds back when it should pay off.  The danger will fall flat and the animosity between the two lead characters will turn out to be only skin deep.  In the end, it’ll be It Happened One Night with an action/intrigue façade.

Sorcerer’s Apprentice – With a disturbingly unbalanced Mickey Mouse to Nick Cage’s hair length ratio, this urban fantasy romp will attempt to use the established fan base of Harry Potter and the momentum of spring’s The Lightning Thief to really take off.  Alas, there will be no genre-bending plot twists or original character arcs, just a heaping helping of cool visuals and moments of magic in the modern world.  Nothing as cool as Lightning Thief but cool enough to put it at least a peg above The Seeker: the Dark is Rising.

And for my last premonition,  I foresee this next Weekend Roundup to be a fountain of hilarity which will spark your interest, captivate your mind, and entrance your soul.

I will leave you with today’s Funny Bumper Sticker:  “Militant Agnostic – I don’t know, and neither do you.”

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One Response

  1. Yummy. I’ve been waiting ages for my soul to be entranced.

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