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hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia = the fear of long words

Spooks, scares, and screams are the order of the day this weekend.  Whether crafted for college students (Sorority Row), arctic detectives (Whiteout), or little sack-boy puppet people (9), this weekend is all about making people squirm.  So with a Wikipedia page of every phobia, a cup of coffee, and a few hours, let’s roundup the best reviews and prove that I’m not a decidophobic (person afraid of making decisions).

9 final movie poster

We start with 9 (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic), which came out on 9-9-09, which could only be more numericly contrived if it cost $9.99 for a 9-shaped ticket and the movie was 99 minutes long.  But the movie is only 79 minutes long and it makes you wonder if 9 people were fired because it was too short.

“Not a perfect 10, but its imperfection is what makes it gripping and bewitching.” Baltimore Sun Michael Sragow

So, it’s not a 10, but it’s close.  Like higher than an 8, but not quite there.  What would be a good number?

“Who the heck was this post-apocalyptic rock’em sock theater made for? Not kids, not adults, not even really stupid adults. I haven’t seen something with less of an audience since Cameron Diaz was on Inside the Actor’s Studio.” Mike Ward Richmond.com

You just summoned the ire of the Cameron Diaz fan club mister!

textHexakosioihexekontahexaphobia – fear of the number 666. (turned upside down it’s 999!)

“Does 9 rival last year’s “Wall E” as the best post-apocalyptic “cartoon”? The short answer is Nein. 9 is, however, a visual stunner.” Washington Post Michael Cavna

“It is really hard to connect with these things… They have arms and legs and heads, but they still feel like yarn balls fighting. WALL-E was a box, but he was a box you could have a beer with.” Fred Topel Can Magazine

The Frankenstein Complex: the fear of robots (according to Issac Azimov)

The Frankenstein Complex: the fear of robots (according to Issac Asimov)

“The best reason to see it is simply because of the creativity of its visuals. They’re entrancing.” Chicago Sun-Times Roger Ebert

“Exquisite visuals aside, 9 plays like a sock monkey version of Doom.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Despite all the disagreement, 9 is still the highest reviewed movie of the weekend.  Two movies to go.  Are you scared yet?

I hope these scream queens aren't Necrophobics (fear of death, the dead).

I hope these scream queens aren't Necrophobics (fear of death, the dead).

Next up, a stab-then-snicker throwback to the 80’s slasher genre: Sorority Row (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).  Does it go beyond the summary?

“It’s hard not to love a slasher film in which the killer has such a sound argument for knocking off half a dozen victims: ‘Let’s face it. These are horrible people.'”Chris Hewitt (St. Paul) St. Paul Pioneer Press

All vampires are heliophobics (fear of sunlight)

All vampires should be heliophobics (fear of sunlight)

“A 1980s horror remake finally graduates to being a fun, smart guilty pleasure.” Hilton Thomas Empire Magazine Australasia

“Sorority Row proves to be just another crass slasher movie, recycling familiar ingredients to diminishing effect.” Allan Hunter Screen International

Gelotophobia - fear of being laughed at.

Gelotophobia - fear of being laughed at.

“Sorority Row isn’t remotely scary, but it’s still a lot more fun than it ought to be thanks to strong performances and a witty, terrifically bitchy script.” Matthew Turner ViewLondon

Terrifically bitchy!

“Imagine being trapped inside a pungent shoebox with the over-caffeinated morning shift of Forever 21 while an inept epileptic captures the small talk with a camera he lost the instruction manual for. That’s Sorority Row.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

Terrifically confusing summary!

Cryophobia – fear of ice, cold temperatures

Cryophobia – fear of ice, cold temperatures

Last up, the murder/mystery/thriller set in Antarctica: Whiteout (Rotten TomatoesMetacritic).  It’s also likely to cause panic for nomophobics (people afraid of being out of mobile phone contact).

“Some films feel off from the get-go. They don’t hang together, despite the best intentions. Whiteout, a singularly unsuspenseful, unexciting, unthrilling Arctic thriller starring Underworld’s Kate Beckinsale, isn’t exactly one of these. It’s even worse.” Philadelphia Inquirer Tirdad Derakhshani

“Its worst offense is assuming the audience is so dumb that it’ll be shocked by one of the most telegraphed endings in movie history. On second thought, maybe the filmmakers got their wish: Whiteout is shocking, shockingly bad.” Randy Myers San Jose Mercury News

So, it’s worse than terrible and beyond bad.  Are there no exciting elements?

Coulrophobia – fear of clowns (and not just evil clowns)

Coulrophobia – fear of clowns (and not just evil clowns)

“Set in Antarctica, but unbelievably boring. I kept hoping for something unexpected to show up, like a killer penguin, but it never did.”  Daily Mail [UK]

text

Perhaps that reviewer has sphenisphobia (fear of penguins)

“It’ll take all day to list all the things that are wrong with Whiteout.” Tirdad Derakhshani Philadelphia Inquirer

Well, we don’t have all day, so let’s have a final word and go enjoy our weekends.

“If you want the real Whiteout experience, just read the book. Or ask the manager of your local 7-Eleven if you can play Clue in the beer cooler.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

PDJ has Phobophobia – fear of having a phobia.

PDJ has Phobophobia – fear of having a phobia.

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