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Bruno loves Beth Cooper’s blood

Sure, it’s a somewhat misleading title for this roundup, but it’s fitting because this week’s movies are partially disingenuous as well.  First, the director of Home Alone and Mrs. Doubtfire directs Hayden Panettiere (of Heroes) in I Love You, Beth Cooper.  It’s all about a valedictorian who proclaims his love for the High School’s most popular girl in his graduation speech.  This comic set up worked pretty well in the novel, but questionably in the movie (Rotten Tomatoes: 10%Metacritic: 32%).  Second, a Japanese anime about a hot schoolgirl vampire killer gets the live action treatment in Blood: The Last Vampire (Rotten Tomatoes: 19%Metacritic: 28%).  Finally, a guerrilla comedian exposes homophobia via outrageous performance art in Bruno (Rotten Tomatoes: 70%Metacritic: 55%).  Let’s get to it.  First up, the one about the hottie and the notevenclosie.
i_love_you_beth_cooperWith High School comedies, there are a certain number of classics that any new movie will be judged against.  And since this one deals with social class dysfunction in the High School microcosm, it’s up against the John Hughes roster.

“Suffering through I Love You, Beth Cooper is like being locked in detention with five idiots misquoting The Breakfast Club” Joe Williams St. Louis Post-Dispatch

That might be fun if I was the Principle.  “When you mess with the bull…”

“A funny thing happened to Larry Doyle’s 2007 debut novel on the way to the multiplex. It turned into its own ring of coming-of-age comedy hell.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

“Usually the quality gap between book and movie isn’t the size of Texas.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

I assume that’d be disappointing if I’ve read the book, but the only baggage I bring is with Columbus and he’s innocuous enough, right?

“Perhaps Columbus was involved in a hideous car accident recently that left him brain damaged, or maybe tragic senility is creeping up on the 51-year-old filmmaker. I refuse to believe he willingly created something this monstrously unfunny.” Brian OrndorfBrianOrndorf.com

It’s pretty harsh when reviewers refuse to accept anything but senility and brain damage as excuses for your art.

“A miscast and misjudged graduation-night comedy, Cooper occasionally — only occasionally — wanders into ‘harmless.’” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

So, it spends the rest of its time being harmful?  I’ll assume that means my physical, emotional, and spiritual self and avoid the movie at all costs.  And while we’re on the subject of harming others, we move on to the hack/slash kill-not-kiss vampire movie.  The main character is named after their primary food source.  Imagine it in other contexts like Broccoli: the last Vegetarian or Whiskey: the last Alcoholic.  So, is the movie as goofy as the title?
blood_the_last_vampire_movie_poster3“Flashbacks show samurai shenanigans, but it’s all cluttered and rambling. Watch “True Blood,” “Let the Right One In” or “Twilight” instead.” News  Joe Neumaier New York Daily

His review recommends watching something else.  Is it really that bad?

“Of direct-to-DVD quality, so you might as well wait until this one makes it to disc–and then skip it.” Frank Swietek One Guy’s Opinion

So, just forget that it exists?  There must be something good, or at least decent in the movie.

“Is there a word that transcends abysmal? BLOOD is the lowest form of cinematic garbage that carries not a single shred of redeemable screen time.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

Wow.  Well, now that we’re done with the trash, what about the treasure?  At least half of the people who saw Bruno liked it.
brunoposter-042409“The movie is a toxic dart aimed at the spangly new heart of American hypocrisy: our fake-tolerant, fake-charitable, fake-liberated-yet-still madly-closeted fame culture.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

What is it with every movie this week being bad for your health?  Cooper was mostly harmful, Blood was spirit crushing, and Bruno is a toxic dart?  Is this movie going to hurt me?

“Like Swift’s Gulliver’s Travels, Brüno defies you not to see yourself in its funhouse mirror. And then dares you to laugh it off.” Peter Travers Rolling Stone

Dare accepted!  And I double dare someone to make a gay joke in their review of a movie exposing the hypocrisy of gay jokes.

“Sacha Baron Cohen might be a one trick pony, but he sure knows how to give the audience, ahem, a good ride.” Erin Free FILMINK (Australia)

I was briefly tempted to make a joke about how much she charges for a ride given her name, but thought better of it.  What’s the final word on this week’s best chance of kicking Transformers 2 out of the #1 movie slot?

“Like a wayward love child of Lenny Bruce and the Three Stooges, Brüno is an idiot savant of penetration — breaking through borders, boundaries and anything that resembles good taste on his way to whipping up as much cultural anarchy as he can. I would guess Brüno is holding on to an R rating for this sublimely spicy soufflé by the skin of his, well, let’s just not say.” Betsy Sharkey LosAngeles Times

PDJ agreed to ‘just not say.’

PDJ agreed to ‘just not say.’

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