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Slim pickings

We don’t have many options this week. The pickings are slim and the barrel is bottomed. If you live in a major metropolio-town you might have some chance of seeing all but one of the movies opening Friday. Movies like Katyn (94% positive) – the true story of the Soviet massacre of 15,000 polish soldiers; or Must Read After My Death (96%) a documentary made up of home movies chronicling a crumbling marriage will likely play in art houses, but not multiplexes. There is a chance that Tyler Perry’s Madea goes to Jail (currently unreviewed) will play in your town, but basically there is only one movie coming out and it looks angry.

fired_up_poster

This movie is not likely to appeal to many of you, in fact it is unlikely that anyone who reads this blog will pay 8 bucks to see a film about two male football players-turned-cheerleaders and their attempt to score with girls at cheerleader camp. Paying full price to see this movie on opening night makes as much sense as full-contact Yoga. It looks like a modern version of a Skinemax premise, complete with cruel PG-13 editing. However, as bad as it might be, it still deserves the same faux-impartiality as anything else. Since the premise sounds like a car crash waiting to happen, the reviews will mirror that event. We begin high on life, top-down/radio-on, and unaware our impending doom.

“As horny-teen comedies go, this one is surprisingly and consistently funny… A blend of manic energy and hyperarticulate wit, mixing intellect and wordplay with low comedy.” Marshall Fine Hollywood & Fine

Mixing the high with the low sounds like a recipe for awesome. We’re cruisin’ now.

“The teensploitation premise is like something a porn filmmaker from the ’70s might have come up with. But Fired Up! has one added quirk: The script, credited to Freedom Jones, is a riot of tongue-twisting ironic sleaze.” Owen Gleiberman Entertainment Weekly

Ironic sleaze rules! Wow, driving is so easy, we hardly need to pay attention at all.

Hunks don't need haircuts

Hunks don't need haircuts

“It may be as dumb as you’d expect from this team, but Fired Up is still the best ‘dumb cheerleader’ comedy since Bring It On.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Hear that? It’s the best bad movie since the last one. Whoa, the brakes feel a little light now.

“The problem with Fired Up is that it doesn’t follow a simple rule of the genre: If you’re going to make a raunchy teen sex comedy, go all the way.” Bill Goodykoontz Arizona Republic

All the way! Woooooo! Hey, we can’t seem to slow down and we’re heading downhill.

“How this idea escaped its logical fate as a direct-to-DVD Bring It On 6: It’s the Boys’ Turn! is anyone’s guess.” Geoff Berkshire Metromix.com

Good point. Uh, brakey no worky. Helpy?

“The film’s misogyny is countered only by its homophobia — its male gay characters are mincing idiots, while the women could have walked out of a you-wish Playboy spread.” Loey Lockerby Kansas City Star

Would Toni the Tiger be proud?

Would Toni the Tiger be proud?

Misogyny and homophobia? Those are two things that are not going to help us slow down.

“If this movie were a teenager, you’d put it on Ritalin right away.” Lou Lumenick New York Post

Does Ritalin speed you up or slow you down, because we could sure use the latter.

“Oh, is this movie bad.” Roger Ebert Chicago Sun-Times

What was that? Oh no!

“This is a film so scuzzy and creepy in tone that you keep getting the sense that if there was any possible that it could slip a roofie into your soda while you weren’t looking, it would.” Peter Sobczynski eFilmCritic.com


CRASH!!!

School spirit can be expressed as fear right?

School spirit can be expressed as fear right?

Enjoy doing something other than watching this movie this weekend.

PDJ

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3 Responses

  1. I like how cheerleaders get so excited at touchdowns and stuff. I mean, c’mon, it’s really exciting. Except for armpit sweat. But seriously, if it wasn’t for cheerleaders then cheers would be so out of control. “Give me a WHAT?” See what I mean.

    So, in conclusion, I just want to say that I’m so happy for boys to even want to lead cheers because it so honorable for them to want to be in touch with their girl side.

  2. (I just realized I could have posted a comment to this instead of e-mailing you directly.)

  3. Misogyny and homophobia? In a modern movie?! I’m shocked and outraged!

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