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Happy almost Valentine’s Day

This is one of those holidays where people aren’t really celebrating the day, so much as they’re celebrating something related to the day. No one really cares about St. Valentine anymore, but people will always care about love – just as Halloween can be about candy instead of a day of the dead and Christmas can be about presents and family instead of that guy whose name people use when swearing. However, in line with Hollywood tradition, you get at least one Rom-Com this week, coupled with movie fare for people with less traditional tastes. This week we get a capitalist’s wet dream (Confessions of a Shopaholic), a capitalist’s nightmare (The International), and everybody’s nightmare (Friday the 13th). So, without further ado, let’s start with the chick flick produced by the master of man movies Jerry Bruckheimer: Confessions of a Shopaholic (17%).

“Yearning to be a frothy screwball comedy, this movie has a humor deficit that all the slapstick in Fort Knox couldn’t offset.” John P. McCarthy ReelTalk Movie Reviews

Wait a second, does this mean the US government safeguarding humor at Fort Knox? Guess that explains why there haven’t been any funny movies out since Role Models. Anyhow, despite a 17% positive rating, it’s a Rom Com on Valentine’s Day, which means it will make money regardless of its quality. Right?

“When is the right time to release a hollow, one-dimensional, unfunny, illogical, mindless comedy with a poorly defined protagonist and a dumbly formulaic plot?” Eric D. Snider Film.com

Do you really need to tell shopaholics that this book is a "must have"?

Right, Valentine’s Day. And in honor of the other traditions of this holiday (namely a massacre) it’s time for head-to-head reviewer death match. Actually there’s no death or violence of any kind and the match is completely fabricated because all I’m doing is putting their reviews next to each other in an attempt to make people giggle, but that being said: FIGHT!

“At the Confessions of a Shopaholic advance screening I attended, there was a fashion show before the movie sponsored by a local boutique; to me, it was like watching someone do exhibition drinking games before a screening of Leaving Las Vegas.” James Rocchi Redbox

Good one. Retort?

‘“Confusions of a Shopaholic” would be a more accurate title for this garish romantic comedy…” Cole Smithey ColeSmithey.com

Boo. Lame. Weak. Your review was as uninteresting as your website name. Clear winner on that one. Let’s give one more critic a shot before moving on.

“With any luck Confessions will end up as a tipping point, signaling the moment that women finally stopped paying to see themselves look stupid on screen. That would be quite a bargain.” Connie Ogle Miami Herald

That kind of transition requires more than a little luck. Perhaps if this movie was released on St. Patty’s Day… Next up, evil bankers use assassination to improve revenue in THE INTERNATIONAL (55%). Since this is our action movie entry for the week, let’s try again: Reviewer Death match Round 2! Go pro:

“Although the plot’s connective tissue is thin, the film’s architectural settings are dazzling and the tense atmosphere keeps you glued.” John P. McCarthy ReelTalk Movie Reviews

Come on con:

“Calculating and distant, as if instead of a movie we’re watching a monetary transaction between a filmmaker and his audience.” Joshua Tyler CinemaBlend.com

Hmm. There’s serious rift between ‘dazzling and tense” and “calculating and distant”. Let’s call it a tie and try again. First is pro yo!

“The timing of this smart, savvy thriller couldn’t be better…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Indeed, during our current economic state, an evil bank doesn’t seem like a stretch. Can con comeback?

“Right… ’cause what we really need right now is a movie about the unstoppable inevitability of bank corruption. “ David Foucher EDGE Boston

So, there’s an argument over how our present economic context influences our perspective on corporate villainy. It sounds like this movie’s quality could be determined by a coin flip. Is there anything exceptional worth noting?

“The International is one of the better films of 2009 so far and contains an action scene that is worth the price of admission.” Kevin McCarthy WJFK-FM (CBS Radio)

Okay, tell us more.

“Real life aside, The International is a compelling and suspenseful thriller that features one of the best shootouts of the decade.” Bill Clark FromTheBalcony

The praise keeps getting higher and higher.

“There’s an extraordinary shoot-out at the Guggenheim Museum coming to theaters this week; unfortunately, you have to sit through The International to see it.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

Frank Lloyd Right On!

Hell, even the people who didn’t like the movie praised the scene. Last up, the newest chapter in the saga of Jason Vorhess: Friday the 13th part ‘we’re not keeping track anymore’: (29%).

“..a technically superior and artistically credible slasher movie that’s destined to be a genre benchmark on any day of the week.” Todd Gilchrist Sci Fi Wire

All right. Sounds like a rare success in the modern franchise reboot hysteria

“The remake of Friday the 13th makes the remake of Halloween look like the remake of Psycho.” Fred Topel Can Magazine

Or…maybe? He liked the movie, even though his review was a little…confusing? Self-referrencial? Odd? Help?

“Less like a remake than just another tired sequel, the new film puts Jason through the same old moves with all the finese of a blind choreographer directing an arthritic dancer.” Steve Biodrowski ESplatter

Yes. Fred ‘Not-Ted-Coppel’ Topel’s review made Mr. Biodrowski’s review look like a blind choreographer in a slasher movie. Or something. The world is starting to make less sense so let’s wrap this up. Final word:

“Nothing says Valentine’s Day like a machete wielding, hockey mask wearing psycho killer!” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Except chocolate and flowers.

PDJ thinks a high quality machete could make a good gift

And now for a hell ride down memory lane.

The one that started it all. Hey look, you can see the victims (including Kevin Bacon)!

And zee sequel, where Jason is a silhouette with an ax

In part 3, Jason kills a window - in 3 Dimensions

Eventually, Jason trips and falls on a knife. The end.

In Friday the New Beginning 13th, Jason's possessed mask meets up with a copycat machete-wielding psycho

But, even killers get a second chance. Although people wouldn't have been surprised if they'd read the fricken' tombstone

The poster implies that the big twist is that Jason was a woman all along, but by part VII the series needed a victim who could fight back. In this case, it's a telekinetic super heroine

After taking a break to figure out how to kill a telekinetic super heroine (and get a ticket to the Big Apple), Jason becomes a giant with a knife the size of the Chrysler building

As punishment for becoming a continuity-destroying giant, Jason is forced to mate with a gross hell-snake thing in 'the end of the series' part 2.

And then Jason became an astronaut and traveled into the future never to be heard from again...until today.


2 Responses

  1. Your current entry makes your last entry look like your first entry looked when you posted a second entry.

  2. That shit is deep.

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