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Time to catch up

Hello all,

We haven’t reviewed the reviewer’s reviews since way back in 2008 and there’s a good reason. All the theater fare that’s out right now is either too good to play in your local multiplex or $10 shit. The highest rated movies include things like Slumdog Millionaire (95%), Frost/Nixon (90%), and the Wrestler (98%) while your local theater is filled with things like Bedtime Stories (23%), Seven Pounds (28%) and The Day The Earth Stood Still (20%). And keeping with tradition, last week you added two bad for one good. We added Bride Wars (12%) and the Unborn (12%) and gained Gran Torino (75%). Here’s the snapshot.

BRIDE WARS

“Bride Wars is hell at its most banal — like watching a dull sitcom with a broken remote.” Rick Groen Globe and Mail

“As vacuous and disposable as Hollywood comedies come. I’d say it’s preferable to rabies, but having never had rabies, I can’t be sure, can I?” Kevin Williamson Jam! Movies

“It’s apathy incarnate. It’s the Bride of Floppenstein, a C-minus, a soggy, sad thing floating in a lukewarm limbo of sentimental mediocrity.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

THE UNBORN


And just because bad reviews are so much funnier than good ones, here are some quips at the expense of The Unborn.

“At last we are making crappy horror films entirely on our own, without having to rip them off from Japan! U-S-A! U-S-A!” Eric D. Snider EricDSnider.com

“Could have just as easily been called “The Un-scary,” “The Uninspiring,” “The Unoriginal,” or “The Unexciting”. Whatever you do, just un-plan to see it this weekend.” Brian Tallerico HollywoodChicago.com

GRAN TORINO

Now then, Clint Eastwood returns to the actor/director’s chair/spotlight in a film about a cranky old guy who loves his car but can’t help getting into trouble when gangs threaten his neighbors.

“Oh my god, it’s finally happened: Someone made Hey You Kids Get Off My Lawn: The Motion Picture.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

So, it’s a film for silver haired seniors?

“It turns out Clint Eastwood is Batman!!!!” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Or not. Somewhere in between these ideas is the justification for its high rating.

“Eastwood plans to go on making more movies, but it’s doubtful any will be as satisfying a career culmination as Gran Torino.” Marjorie Baumgarten Austin Chronicle

Got it. This film marks the end of an era…until the next one.

PAUL BLART: MALL COP

But enough about the past, let’s focus on the now. This week is full of movies that don’t deserve your money. For example, this poster is likely to determine your interest in this film. Funny how this film is a comic infused Die Hard clone and the original Die Hard featured Bruce Willis back when he was just a comedian (ala Moonlighting, Blind Date, etc). So, will Kevin James emerge as the next Bruce Willis?

“Somewhere beneath its mediocre comedic trappings, there’s a decent action movie trying to fight its way free.” Luke Y. Thompson L.A. Weekly

Okay, so maybe?

“[The film] too often settles for easy, lazy jokes, most of which revolve around either food or running into stuff.” Glenn Whipp Los Angeles Times

Sounding a little less likely.

“I suppose the food equivalent would be that nacho cheese that comes in a can with little chunks of jalapeño mixed in.” Peter Hartlaub San Francisco Chronicle

And now we’re talking about food?

“[Has] such obviously humble intentions that busting on it is a bit like harassing the junior high school outcast who just wants to eat his tater tots in peace.” Jen Chaney Washington Post

Are these veiled fat jokes or just starving critics? Who’s to say and at 30% positive and/or who cares?

DEFIANCE

Onto a film that features James Bond fighting Nazis (Defiance 54%). Since it has never been possible in Bond’s Cold War playground, this film brings Daniel Craig together with a group of Jews as they fight back against Hitler.

“The story, in other words, is pure Hollywood gold, full of opportunities for stirring speeches, ethical quandaries, lessons about tolerance and humanity, and violence against Nazis.” Josh Rosenblatt Austin Chronicle

The idea sounds so inspiring that the film can’t be bad.

“It’s difficult, perhaps impossible, to make a gripping 137-minute epic about people standing around under the trees.” Mick LaSalle San Francisco Chronicle

“What is puzzling is how Edward Zwick has taken an extraordinary real-life story about a handful of people who defied huge odds, and turned it into an utterly conventional war movie.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail

Given the films you have to choose from it’s kind of amazing…nay, astounding, that the best reviewed film this week is…

MY BLOODY VALENTINE 3D
70% positive for a 3D horror movie? Never mind that we’re nearly a month away from the date as the title was only ever an excuse to ride on the blood-soaked coattails of a holiday (ala Friday the 13th, April Fools Day, Halloween, etc). So…

“Body parts are lopped off. Pick axes are stabbed at the camera. There’s even a completely naked girl chased by the killer, in glorious 3D. This movie spoke to me.” Kevin Carr 7M Pictures

“This is why 3D was invented.” Nigel Floyd Time Out

“It is one of the best times I’ve had at a horror movie in years. JimmyO JoBlo’s Movie Emporium

Whatever you see this weekend, I hope you enjoy it as much as kids enjoy Christmas. Happy viewing.

PDJ

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