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Happy Belated Turkey Day

I normally try to get these blogs posted the day the movies come out, but since Holiday movies don’t subscribe to traditional schedules, I’m a day late. And looking at the scores of this week’s movies, I think they all could have stayed in the oven a little longer.

Our top rated stinker is a coin flip: Australia – 51%. The top actors from down under (Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman) bring you a classic romantic epic. First up, the ick.

“Swells of emotion & panoramic stampedes fill the screen; however, meandering scenes in between have been cut out at the seams so often, you’ll be wandering what it all means.” Ross Anthony Hollywood Report Card

Right now, you’re getting a C for spelling. If you wander why, please see me after class.

“Like the kangaroo that goes from a newcomer’s sightseeing delight to dinner meat with the sudden crack of a rifle shot, Australia hops all over the place.” Larry Ratliff San Antonio Express-News

No kangaroo’s were harmed during the writing of that review. I checked. Anyone else want to draw an inappropriate connection to a native Aussie animal?

“Australia is so damnably eager to please that it feels like being pinned down by a giant overfriendly dingo and having your face licked for about three hours: theoretically endearing but, honestly, kind of gross.” Liam Lacey

The nay-sayers say nay and the yay-sayers say?

“A wildly ambitious, luridly indulgent spectacle of romance, action, melodrama and historic revisionism, Australia is windy, overblown, utterly preposterous and insanely entertaining.” Ann Hornaday Washington Post

Okay. The yay-sayers enjoy preposterous indulgent (and inaccurate) historical romances. But, is windy a compliment?

“You half expect a bloodied and battered Ben Affleck to be running shirtless in slow motion while an Aerosmith ballad blasts forth like cover fire from above. Hopefully Fosters beer won’t sue, but it’s true: Baz Luhrmann is Australian for Michael Bay.” Mike Ward Richmond.com

Funny, the previews made me think Australia was Australian for Far and Away, but now it sounds like an Aussie Pearl Harbor or Armageddon. Wow, I’m getting more confused as I think about that. Let’s move on to a movie that is likely to be confusing and simple-minded at the same time: Transporter 3 – 35%.

There isn’t much point in summarizing the plot or characters of this franchise, because everything about these movies is an excuse to crash a car or punch someone. Both the good and bad reviews sound the same.

“It’s kinda fast, it looks cheap, it’s definitely out of control.” Alex Markerson E! Online

“Transporter 3 is so bad it’s good, and it knows it.” Tom Long Detroit News

While you’re trying to figure out which is which, lets wrap up with a truly insightful question.

“Who knew a nice blazer could be used as an improvised nunchuck?” Stephen Garrett Time Out New York

Who indeed? Now then, last up is a film that should be ashamed of itself for coming in behind a movie that makes pin stripes sound sharp and dangerous: Four Christmases – 26%.

It’s a family comedy with academy award winner Reese Witherspoon and teen choice award winner Vince Vaughn plodding through the holidays by hating on relatives, but eventually learning that families are the best present of all. Sounds like rotten eggnog mixed with extra sugar and bile.

“It really needs to be stamped Don’t Open Until DVD.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

So you’re saying we should watch it eventually? Why not ‘Don’t Open Ever’?

“It’s not a classic, but it is the best seasonal comedy Hollywood has given us in years, so thanks!” Heart 106.2

Really? That’s either a reviewer with low standards or a studio plant/payoff. Let’s hear from the haters again.

“Vince Vaughn and Reese Witherspoon play the leads. Do they convince as lawyers or lovers? No. Do they convince as space aliens trying to infiltrate the human race? Yes.” Charlotte O’Sullivan

That’s better. The alien angle sounds promising. Anyone else have a pitch to make the movie more interesting?

“Witherspoon and Vaughn are physically ill-matched. She has never looked tinier, while the always gigantic Vaughn has put on so much weight that I half-expected the big plot revelation to be that he’d eaten her twin sister.” Christopher Tookey Daily Mail [UK]

Fascinating. Now then, do we really need four Christmases? Wouldn’t three be enough?

“Four Christmases is two Christmases too many. Two I could survive. But four of them? Nah. Call me Scrooge. Bah humbug.” Gary Wolcott Tri-City Herald

We’ve got two. Do I hear one and a half?

“One and a half Christmases is about all that’s worth celebrating in Four Christmases.” Claudia Puig USA Today

Sold. Now then, let’s wrap this up with one final reason why you’re better off watching your old worn out VHS tapes of The Grinch and Christmas Story.

“The difference between the average unfunny comedy and this one is the difference between Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes and Grandpa telling you knock-knock jokes with his bathrobe open as his hand creeps up your thigh.” Kyle Smith New York Post

Uh…happy holidays?

Pat
Does
Jolly

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4 Responses

  1. Their weren’t many complements from the movie critics with this bunch. I, to, wander what wood, or could, be the best weigh to really no a good movie from a bad won. Schucks, I think its about time Wii started making hour own films! Yea!

    (Sorry, had to re-post comment because I misspelt a word. And you no me, I hate righting a word with the wrong letters and/oar with letters in the wrong order.)

  2. I came here for the Frost Nixon. Pat, get an advance copy! –Drew

  3. Frost Nixon is DVD, Drew. Pat only does movies. However, I think we could talk him into watching all 28 hours of Frost Nixon and then writing us a quickie.

  4. I’m speaking of the theatrical version: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/frostnixon/

    Ron Howard will be on the Daily Show to talk about it on Thursday, December 4th. After it airs, you can watch the full episode here: http://www.thedailyshow.com/

    –Drew

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