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Time to suck…or at least slurp.

Buffy and Angel.
Lestat and Louis.
Blade and swords.

Not every vampire movie is horror, but the ones that aren’t are romance. This might explain why we haven’t seen any vampire romantic comedies or westerns. In fact knowing that Twilight didn’t open on Halloween tells you which side of the romanticism – cannibalism spectrum were dealing with. If you’re not a reader, you may have missed the young adult craze surrounding Stephenie Meyer’s quartet of vampire lustfests, but you may have trouble ignoring the film.

Twilight has already made Fandango’s all time list of pre-sold tickets and encouraged a generation of young girls to dream of being kidnapped by anemic male models. So we know it’s going to make oodles of money, but does it suck?

“Twilight is often a lot of fun to watch — the atmosphere of wet green trees and subtle danger, the gothic breathiness of doomed romance, the way all the vampires have better hair than anyone else — and seems to give its intended audience what it wants.” Moira MacDonald Seattle Times

Should the audience expect to walk out lusting for vampires or supernatural styling gel?

“Invest any spare cash you have in companies that deal in hair gel. I have a feeling this film is going to be huge.” Peter Hartlaub San Francisco Chronicle

Got it – thumbs up for the hair. Clearly the film’s stylist deserves an endorsement deal. What about the debate between book loyalists and average moviegoers?

“Director Catherine Hardwick leads her young cast through the story’s soap opera elements with honest respect for the material.” Colin Covert Minneapolis Star Tribune

Sounds like book lovers will be happy.

Ze book

“This entire adaptation was carried through by [the] wonderful Catherine Hardwicke, who took a shiny little turd and transformed it into a watchable, slightly enjoyable film.” Brad Miska Bloody Disgusting

So for people who think the book is a shiny turd, the result is slightly watchable? I can’t tell if that’s praise.

“Soul-searching looks between young lovers can be fine–but when mutually-emphatic eyeballing stands in for a plot, it’s insufferable. Bring a thermos of espresso. And an alarm clock.” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

Yeouch. Okay, I know that’s not praise. Anyone else want to hop on the ‘stake the vampire’ bandwagon?

“The term ‘meh’ was added to the dictionary this week, and just in time.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

Vampires give the best piggyback rides!

Yeah, but it’s a love story, which means film’s ultimate goal is to twang the heart-stings.

“The movie version gives really good swoon.” Chuck Wilson Village Voice

All right. How good are we talking? Like weak in the knees or hyperventilating Beatle-mania teens?

“WHAT WAS THAT???That ‘thunk’ you just heard wasn’t a shift of the earth’s core. No, it was jillions of women, younger and older, swooning over the movie ‘Twilight.’” Linda Cook Quad City Times (Davenport, IA)

Wow. That is good swoon. Okay, so it does hair and swooning well, but the rest is a question of taste. Even if Twilight isn’t entered into the Nosferatu canon, it may be the most popular vampire story of the decade (even with its 44% positive rating). Other vampire romance novelists beware – this is the new status quo.

“Your move, Anne Rice!” Nick Schager Slant Magazine

Pamper
Demonic
Juveniles

Yay! I’m a sex symbol again!

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2 Responses

  1. the thing i like most about vampires is their drive and dedication.

  2. This might explain why we haven’t seen any vampire romantic comedies…

    Seriously?

    Do I need to re-instate “Alex’s Wednesday Night Movies” for a showing “Buffy the Vampire Slayer” (The Kristie Swanson edition)

    Featuring 90210’s Luke Perry and the triumphant return of Pee-Wee Herman on the big screen.
    Plus, pay attention for Alex’s favorite line ‘Ugh! I think I broke a nail’

    ~Alex

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