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It’s Halloween

Pumpkins, cupcakes and Jack O’Lanterns – oh my
Rarely is it so good to be different and fun to lie.
Hyper kids ring doorbells to get their candy
Why do so many girl costumes make people randy?
Let’s dress up to get down and party till the drinks run dry

But, if you’re not into wild parties or handing out teeth-rotting supplements this Halloween, perhaps you’ll go see a movie – which is where I come in. This week is like bobbing for apples in apple juice. I’m not really sure what that means, but I was looking for a simile that communicated how similar reviewer opinions are about these movies.

For example, the only legitimately scary movie opening today (The Haunting of Molly Hartley) is in a battle with Saw V for worst scary movie in recent memory. And the reviewer seems to agree that the movie isn’t worth a handful of empty candy wrappers.

“When it comes to excruciating Halloween activities, I think I’d prefer a Milky Way/razor blade surprise to this asinine, pathetic motion picture.” Brian Orndorf BrianOrndorf.com

When critics say they’d rather eat razor blades than watch this movie, well…it’s bad.

“At least High School Musical 3 is proud to be innocent; Haunting is as benign as the gym class bully who backs down at the slightest challenge.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

But those are my favorite type of bully. Oh well. Since the ‘scary’ movie isn’t really scary or interesting, I’ll do my best to make the remaining movies sounds as terrifying as I can. Behold the Changeling!

“There are parts of the film that are far more horrifying than anything the makers of the Saw features and other gruesome terrors could ever imagine.” Jeff Vice Deseret News, Salt Lake City

Eh? Are you soiling your costume yet? How about this one?

“A desiccated nowhereland, like something waiting to be feasted on by Stephen King’s ravenous Langoliers.” Keith Uhlich UGO

Okay, as scary as those reviews sound, the truth is that Changeling is not based on a shape-shifting alien killer, which is too bad. Rather, it is a period drama directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Angelina Jolie. Hopefully the truth isn’t scarier than the fiction.

“..director Clint Eastwood once again fires the first shot in the Oscar battle.” Michael A. Smith Nolan’s Pop Culture Review

Did you see that? Eastwood just shot at us. Scaaaaarry!


Anyhow, enough of that. Some people are dropping Oscar buzz about this one, which is strange because it’s perched at 53% positive. Perhaps the sum isn’t as good as the dismembered parts.

“[Jolie]’s oozing that mysterious charisma that’s half dazzling intelligence and half riveting talent and half the magic of the gods of Hollywood smiling on her, and through her.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Ancient Gods for Jolie! I wouldn’t think they hold much sway over the academy, but then again, Oscars statues are little gold idols…

Hmmmm. Fresh critic.

“Audiences will be forgiven for reaching for their coats and then putting them down again over and over; every time you think this tune is done, there’s another 38 bottles of beer on the wall.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

And we’re back to drinking beer. Nice. Our next film features the tagline “A story of Sex, Thugs and Rock and Roll” entitled: RocknRolla (58%). It is another entry in the British crime movies of Guy Ritchie (Snatch, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels).

“Ritchie, who shoots and cuts everything in RocknRolla like an ad for a particularly greasy brand of fragrance for men, delivers the beatings and killings in his trademark atmosphere of morally weightless flash.” Michael Phillips Chicago Tribune

Greasy cologne and morally weightless killings are scary.

“RocknRolla reminds us of how cool Ritchie was before Madonna doused his fire. Pity he makes us wait so long.” Roger Moore Orlando Sentinel

Madonna is scary. Sort of.

“I’d call it all a parody of cinematic male aggression, except I think it’s a parody of a parody of cinematic male aggression…” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

I’d call that a confusing review, except I think it’s a parody of confusing reviews. Anyhow, our last movie is currently the highest rated, the most anticipated and the most politically charged: Zack and Miri Make A Porno (68%). Some parents have taken offense to the word ‘porno’ because they have to explain to their kids what it is. That being said, this movie must really be offensive right?

“There may not be a special movie rating for this kind of coyness, but it definitely feels like emotional porn.” Liam Lacey Globe and Mail

“An extremely rare movie commodity — a romantic comedy for guys.” Richard Knight Windy City Times

Okay. The combination of ‘emotional’ and ‘porn’ makes the movie sound pretty sappy. The same way I assume that ‘gun porn’ will sensationalize guns and ‘torture porn’ makes torture look like fun (at least for half the parties involved), I assume Zach and Miri will have people crying on each other’s shoulders.

“Zack and Miri Make a Porno is crude and raunchy, but it’s also a great date movie. See it with someone you love — and want to grope.” Rene Rodriguez Miami Herald

Hm. So, in the interest of clarification: is the emphasis on ‘emotion’ or ‘porn’?

“Just like good porn, the movie delivers scene after scene of tension and release, and you leave the theater happy. And maybe a little tired.” Chris Farnsworth E! Online

Sounds like a vote for porn. Okay, let’s end with a review that deals with a curse. Yes, you read right. A cuuurrrse! After all, a romantic comedy about pornography that comes out on Halloween has got to be scary for someone.

“Kevin Smith finally has a hit with Rogen and porn stars. Smith got the Ben Affleck curse lifted.” Victoria Alexander FilmsInReview.com

Sorry Ben. Enjoy the festivities everyone.

How dare you?

Punish those who

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