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This week: stay home

Fall movies have a not-so-proud tradition of being the sediment at the bottom of a bottle of summer beer. They are the runoff of movies that aren’t good enough to win awards (which are Christmas/holiday movies) or aren’t exciting enough to pack seats (especially if they’re up against Indy and Bats). What were left with is muck, with an occasional floater (ie Burn After Reading, Ghost Town). This week, nothing rises to the top, and your money is better spent on Amazon Gold Box deals or a nice car wash.

First up, is Spike Lee’s Miracle at St. Anna (35%), which is sitting atop the heap. Too bad the heap might as well be under a port-o-potty.


“Spike Lee bites off far more than he can possibly chew and ends up choking on his overindulgence. Despite flashes of extraordinary genius, Miracle at St. Anna is little more than a cartoon masquerading as a mature movie.” Brandon Fibbs Colorado Springs Gazette

It’s not often that you hear a war movie described as a cartoon. I’m having a little trouble picturing it.

“This is like the ‘Where’s Waldo’ of war films: Find the story, locate the characters. You have three hours. Good luck to you.” Kimberly Gadette LivePDX

Yeesh, maybe he’s hiding behind the director. Is there anything redeemable here?

“[O]bviously crafted with deep earnestness and profound love and serious talent… [but] it fails entirely, on every level, in every way that a movie can fail.” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

You’re probably better off reading this

And those are the reviews of this week’s best offering. Are you ready to hear from the runner’s up? Next is the Stephen Spielberg produced techno thriller Eagle Eye (28%). Despite a solid cast (Shia LaBeouf, Michelle Monaghan and Billy Bob Thornton) and enough explosions to scar the retina, it has critics saying things like:

“Without giving anything away, let’s just say that the ending of Eagle Eye is about as subtle as being impaled to death by an American flag.” Marc Fennell Triple j

Sounds like a crowd pleaser. Next.

“I’m a serious actor. Look at this face!”

“…this is a movie with many meanwhiles it seems to have been edited with a hand grenade” Kurt Loder MTV

Sounds like a blast. Next.

“So many ideas from other films have been cobbled together the experience of watching it is like being in a blender.” Laura Clifford Reeling Reviews

So if you enjoy getting a face full of hand grenade, while being stuck in a blender after being impaled on flag – this one’s for you. Last up is the Nick Spark’s romance: Nights in Rodanthe (27%). It stars Richard Gere, Diane Lane, and a really pretty house.

See?

“Many critics will no doubt tar this film with the dreaded “Lifetime movie” epithet, but I’d venture a bit further — Nights in Rodanthe is the world’s longest General Foods International Coffee commercial.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

Well, if you’ve ever cried while watching a commercial, you might still be on the fence.

“The dialogue alone in Nights in Rodanthe made me choke back tears. It’s like being pepper-sprayed that way.” Kevin Williamson Jam! Movies

And if you’ve never been pepper-sprayed, you might think ‘it can’t be that bad.’ Chances are if you’re still interested in seeing Gere be romantic minus the comedy, then our final review won’t change anything.

“Fans of weepy romances will dig it; the rest of us would prefer a battle with mutant, killer rats.” Matt Stephens E! Online

Had mutant killer rats been an option, I might have encouraged you to visit your local theater. However, given the radioactive stink of this week’s offerings, I recommend watching that Netflix movie you’ve had for the last month.

See how much fun she’s having?

PDJ

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