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It’s a…well, not a race.

Last week’s roundup race ended in a true rarity: the quality of reviews directly corresponded with the amount of money made:

79% – Burn After Reading ($19 Million)
22% – Righteous Kill ($16 Million)
10% – The Women ($10 Million)
It’s almost as if people are listening to the reviewers. Weird. Anyhow, this week we have a quartet of movies opening, but we’ll forgo the race analogy. Instead, we’ll do a simile tournament. What is a simile tournament you say? Well, comparisons that rely on ‘like’ or ‘as’ are similes and today the 4 upcoming films will do battle with their words. Ready? Your first competitor is Igor: a computer-animated tale of a hunchbacked-henchmen with grand ambitions.

“Director Tony Leondis and screenwriter Chris McKennna have mined everything from Young Frankenstein to Sleepy Hollow to Japanese anime to the German Neo-Expressionists to create that rare thing, a cartoon for adults.” John Anderson Newsday

Yay old people. Igor is up against another supernatural satire: Ghost Town. British Office star Ricky Gervais plays a dentist who can see dead people.

“Quibbles about the film ultimately are as unimportant as a bit of undigested beef, a blot of mustard or a crumb of cheese: ‘Ghost Town’ is for real.” John Beifuss Commercial Appeal (Memphis, TN)

Judges? Sadly, Igor’s review was not a simile and is out of the contest. Let’s hear from a few of the unhappy reviewers just so you didn’t think it lost on a technicality (Note: Igor currently sits at 27% positive).

“So bad it’s scary.” Robert Wilonsky L.A. Weekly

“I think we need a No Child Left Behind Act for the movies.” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

While Ghost Town advances to the finals, the final two competitors enter the rhetorical ring. First up, My Best Friend’s Girl: a romantic comedy about a professional girlfriend dumper named Tank (played by Dane Cook) who agrees to help his friend Jason Biggs after he is dumped by Kate Hudson. Wow, even the synopsis sounds terrible. Let’s hear from the critics.

“Der Film handelt von einem Mann namens “Tank”, der dafür bekannt ist, Frauen zu fürchterlichen Dates auszuführen, damit sie zu ihren Freunden, denen sie eigentlich den Laufpass gegeben hatten, zurückkehren. Als er eines Tages die Ex eines guten Freundes auf die gleiche Weise zu diesem zurückbringen soll, muß er sich zwischen ihr und seiner Freundschaft zu ihm entscheiden.” Zelluloid.de (German)

Uh. Hm. Well, sadly even though the movie comes out today, no reviewers have seen it (except in Germany). Never a good sign. It’s up against a bad ass playing a bad guy: Samuel L. Jackson is a cop who dolls out his own neighborhood justice in Lakeview Terrace. What dya got?

“Like a bad roller coaster. It sure is fun getting to the top, but everything else is a letdown and you walk away feeling a little ripped off.” Jeff Otto ReelzChannel.com

Since I can’t read German, congrats to Lakeview Terrace. Onto the finals, which will be a back and forth of pro’s and con’s until I get tired of doing it. Keep it up Mace.

We’re selling these shirts to raise money for a new officers-only hot tub, should I put you down for 10 or 20?

LT: “As a huge fan of LaBute’s [the director] usual work, I’d like to believe he intended Lakeview Terrace as a mockery of dopey conventions and that his heightened sense of irony just floated over my head.” Phil Villarreal Arizona Daily Star

So you’re hoping that the movie was a joke that’s over your head rather than a bad film? That’s a kind of loyalty usually reserved for uber-fans and cultists. You’re up Ghost Town.

GT: “It’s as if Rosie O’Donnell tried to slip into a Carrie Underwood-sized teeny weeny bikini instead of a tasteful one piece. Not enough material.” Willie Waffle WaffleMovies.com

Someone get that mental image a towel.

LT: “If an actor this talented is going to slum it in hokey, over-the-top thrillers, I’d prefer he direct his anger at those mother-effing snakes on that mother-effing plane.” Alonso Duralde MSNBC

GT: “British comic Ricky Gervais can play assholes the way Yo-Yo Ma can play the cello.” Dan Lybarger eFilmCritic.com

In the battle of the mother-effer versus the SOB, we go to the numbers to determine our winner.

My Best Friend’s Girl 0%
Igor 30%
Lakeview Terrace 40%
Ghost Town 87%

We laugh at our competition…and dead people

Paticus Rex

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