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I know it’s juvenile, but Bangkok makes me giggle

Bangkok Dangerous
Opens September 5th

After a long hiatus of honeymoons and school start-up stress, I’m back with a roundup of a movie you really shouldn’t bother seeing. Bangkok Dangerous is the story of a morally flexible hit man who travels to Thailand to kill people, but learns something about himself along the way. If the premise doesn’t sell you on avoidance, how about the fact that it stars Nick Cage in a ridiculous wig? Still on the fence? Check for glue, then marvel at the mighty 7% positive reviews. There were so few happy reviewers that I’ll just go ahead and let them tell you why you SHOULD go see this mess.

“This version of Bangkok Dangerous is a respectable genre movie, but not much more.” David D’Arcy Screen International

Here’s Nick threatening the audience to like his movie

And here he’s protecting himself from rotten vegetables and other airborne complaints

Okay, it’s a respectable entry into the hit man genre, despite being an American remake from the original directors. We’ve established a concrete ceiling of positivity. Just underneath is:

“The Pang brothers take full advantage of their Hollywood budget to paint Bangkok skyscrapers in shimmering midnight blues.” James Christopher Times [UK]

Did the director’s literally paint some skyscrapers? Sounds expensive. But if the cinematography ain’t bad at least the movie has something going for it.

“Couldn’t the Pangs have spent some of that studio money on more lights?” Josh Larsen LarsenOnFilm

“Bangkok Dangerous pretends to have a lot on its mind. It moves slow as molasses and has the same general coloring.” Rafer Guzman Newsday

Not so much. Is there any reason to see this movie?

Not everyone’s happy about the remake

“The only reason to see a Nicolas Cage movie these days is to have a good laugh at his latest wig.” David Edwards Daily Mirror [UK]

Don’t worry; I can save you the money.

Maybe the director’s spent their money on sculpting yak hair in the shape of a dead squid. They way reviewers go on, it sounds like the mullet is the bigger star. Next summer see Nick Cage’s Hair in:

Con Hair!

If there was a strong gust of wind, I think he might take flight. This film doesn’t deserve any more of your time or mine, but let’s have a final thought anyway.

“Certainly lives down to its title, which sounds like a caveman giving travel advice.” Matt Pais Metromix.com

See movie bad. Save money good. Done now.


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