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A long time ago in geography far from realistic

Now that all Audian movies have been cost adjusted in the direction of inconsequent, we face a new query regarding quality assessment (can you tell that I just submitted a CCCC proposal?). Namely, where do you draw the line between a movie that is worth a lonely dead president and one that is not? This week’s movie (10,000 BC) will help establish a baseline with its embarrassingly low rating of 9% positive (113 ‘please stop’/11 ‘meh’). Prepare yourself for gems of negativity.

“A beggar’s banquet of milky CGI beasties and clunky battle-porn set-pieces, 10,000 B.C. is an extravagant waste of time, money and effort. Fans of caveman antics may want to go with something more historically accurate. Like The Flintstones.” Total Film

“Yabba-dabba-don’t.” Stephen Whitty Newark Star-Ledger

Okay, with two critics referencing the Bedrock boys I’d guess the campiness is fairly palatable. Also, does anyone else secretly wish that the Flinstones were historically accurate? Maybe it’s just me, but I really wanted a pet saber tooth tiger and a baby woolly mammoth for a vacuum cleaner. That’s my brand of silly.

“Oh my god: the silly, it burns. It burns!” MaryAnn Johanson Flick Filosopher

Yessh. Sounds more like the scary kind of silly; the kind that lights your eyes on fire for gazing upon an unholy sight.

“My poor brain hung in there for as long as it could, but it lost its grip during the giant chicken attack and I haven’t seen it since.” Rob Vaux Flipside Movie Emporium

Not only does it singe your ocular cavities but it makes brains flee in terror? Holy cow, this movie is killing people. We need a token positive review before someone croaks.

“Strictly a popcorn flick version of Joseph Campell’s hero’s journey that looks great even as it plays fast and very loose with geography, biology, and anything else that gets in its way.”Andrea Chase Killer Movie Reviews

So it’s a disposable adventure movie with less accuracy than a 1960’s cartoon. That’s the compliment? We’re in for a good one folks. Sounds like the kind of movie we hope to forget having watched.

“May indeed last until the end of time, kept alive in drinking games and in history and geography classrooms on April Fool’s Day.”Matt Pais Metromix.com

You hear that? We’ve been instructed by the professionals to make this movie a drinking game. See you at 7pm.

Prehistorically Damned Jerk

‘Yes’

No, but we wish ‘yes’

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2 Responses

  1. even jose cuervo hated this movie.

  2. Totally. Clearly no amount of alcohol could save this movie from its terminal badness.

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